Thursday, November 29, 2007

A pep talk for the mirror

Life, time, circumstance, and our fellow humans take so much away from us, why then do we willingly surrender so much more? Why aren't we fighting tooth and nail for the dreams and visions that fill our lives with possibility? We settle, learn to accept, live in denial, all in an effort to make stifling ourselves and our dreams somehow acceptable. It is in no way acceptable. By convincing ourselves that average is OK, that enough really is enough, we cripple our potential and resign ourselves to living life with a perpetual limp.

We dream of who we could be, but find a way to accept less than who we are. We dream something impossible, accept it as such, and without so much as trying, dismiss the idea. What we fail to see is that the pursuit is the thing. The journey - really living is embracing the journey! The physical, emotional, cerebral, and spiritual miles are brush strokes that shape us. These are the things that add layers of richness to our lives. The smiles, the struggles, the crushing defeats, and magnificent victories all conspire to create a deeper, more textured personality. Without these things we are hollow, two-dimensional cutouts only good for consumption and reproduction.

Nothing ventured nothing gained is about more than taking risks in hopes of attaining rewards, it is about the multi-layered evolution we undergo as we pass through the experiences which constantly tint, shade, and color our lives. We are the sum whole of an infinite number of physical, emotional, and spiritual parts. Every day, every breath, forces outside and within us are working to cease that summary progression. Every force in life works to restrain and confine us, from gravity to social precepts of normalcy, we are lashed by countless leashes, all feeding on our fears and insecurities.

The world is little more than a container seeking to restrain and encapsulate our dreams. Why would we ever betray ourselves by helping reinforce that confinement? Have no illusions, that is exactly what we do every time we succumb to the negative conceptualizations of our cognitive perception. When we give in to fear, when we allow our questions to tighten life's noose of limitations around our necks, we are lost.

We are lost, but in becoming lost, we open another avenue for discovery. Whether we are discovering new aspects of our internal world, or the world outside our skin, we are never so ready for exploration as when we are lost. Off the beaten path, out where the wild things play, there are new understandings and unknown possibilities to be had. If we forever constrain ourselves to the road most traveled, we only give ourselves the chance to go where everyone else has been. As far as I am concerned, that is truly being Lost.

I am lost, but not Lost. I am seeking and very slowly, almost imperceptibly, I am finding. The journey is the thing, and I am doing my best to keep journeying.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name


U2 - Where the streets have no name

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She walks!

Evelyn is up and fully bipedal! She's clearly pleased with herself and mommy is obviously thrilled. "Yaaaay." ;)

Evelyn strutting her stuff

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Horse cart

Sitting here at my desk, getting caught up on back logged work, I have not ever been so certain of my desire to leave. I need to find a place where I am surrounded by healthy, happy people in a healthy and happy situation. Sadly, regrettably, this ain't it…not by a long shot. I want to be part of something good. I want to work and interact with people who feel the same way. I want to find people who are motivated to build something more than a 'career', whatever that is. I want to find those quaint places and smiling faces I see in Norman Rockwell paintings.

Our surroundings have an incredibly powerful effect on how we feel, which has an undeniable effect on how we think and behave. While I was in Kentucky, this place was the furthest thing from my mind and I felt good. I slept better, I ate better, my thoughts were clearer, it was easier to focus. Surrounded by family, seeing the limitless possibilities embodied in The Twins, laughing, and generally having a good time, I did not feel a hint of the looming darkness that seems to pervade this place. The tension that turns the muscles in my neck to steel chords and drains my energy like some invisible parasite was conspicuous only in its total absence. I was free to relax and enjoy the passing time, which was such a welcome change. I want nothing more than to enjoy my time.

This environment is an hourglass imprisoning my time and with it my aspirations for harmony and tranquility. There was a time when I did not feel this way, but it is apparent that there is no getting back to that place from here. Things have changed so drastically that any hope of returning to a feeling of goodness and positivity in this environment is almost impossible. We are too far gone and my dreams have wandered so far away from the basic premises here that there is no sense in trying to realign where I hope to be with where I am. I feel as if I am surrounded by depression and discouragement while at the office. The whole situation feels unhealthy and dark.

My options are plainly obvious, leave and work elsewhere, or stay and find a way to cope until graduation. I will end up staying, since learning a new job and figuring out the financials are complications I do not need right now, particularly with my Senior year starting in the Spring. It will be a long 18 months (graduating in the Fall of '08 means 'CLEPing' 2 classes, which I do not feel comfortable doing). I haven't confirmed that SCAD accepts Masters students during their Fall term, but I'm hoping that they do. I'll be 32 when I start my Masters work, which keeps me on my current 'ten years late' scholastic schedule, but better 32 than 42.

I have more or less given up on finding anything resembling serenity here, so I will continue to focus on school and my artistic aspirations. Nothing else seems to provide much satisfaction. Graduation feels like a carrot in front of my horse right now, but if chasing that carrot gets me closer to something better, I'll be that horse pulling the proverbial cart.

And as I walk on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony


Peace Love and Understanding - Brinsley Schwarz

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Freezing my troubles away

I hadn't ever experienced motorcycle riding in the cold before mounting up in Kentucky. Dad and I had done a little under 200 miles on Tuesday, but the weather was relatively warm and pleasant. By Friday, things had cooled considerably. With highs in the 40s, and lows in the 20s, it was clear that Winter was on its way. The sun sets early this time of year, and by 5:00 in the afternoon, things start to get chilly. Knowing this, I set out on a solo ride just before 4:00.

If you head East from Scott and Laura's neighborhood in Cecilia, you head toward Elizabethtown. However, Scott informed me that there were some rural towns and less traveled roads West. Eager to get some solo saddle time in, I suited up and pointed my bike in the direction of the setting sun. Temperatures were in the low-40s, so I dressed myself in insulated gloves, both layers of my jacket, wool socks, and thermal leggings underneath my jeans. Unfortunately, I thought it would be reasonable to set out with only my half-helmet and goggles protecting the skin of my head. In less than five minutes at 55mph, the exposed flesh was screaming for me to rethink my desire for exploration. Unable to tolerate the pain, I turned back for my full-face Arai. Scott suggested I add a 'gator neck' to the ensemble, which seemed like a great idea, and I was off once again.

Riding alone gives me an opportunity to disappear into the clarity of purpose brought about by motorcycling, so that I can clear my mind, and better focus my thoughts. On this particular journey, I was rolling around the usual subjects. I remembered how much I enjoyed riding alone with no defined destination, letting the bike carry me as it will, letting my mind meander around life's circumstance. As I rode along with nowhere to be, it occurred to me that I was beginning to rediscover the joys in being alone.

If I can find a way to remain in that place, content to let the world do as it will, so long as it let's me do as I will, I think there is a real possibility I might be free of the persistent questions which have haunted my thoughts off and on for most of my adult life. Being alone and free to go my own way is a comfort against the questions that surround life's intersections with human beings. Accepting that humans are unpredictable and uncertain necessitates a certain distance for me. Whether or not that reaction is the byproduct of fear is debatable.

With these thoughts fluttering through my conscious, I found myself riding on into the cold longer than I had originally intended. My mind wandered with the winding of the road in front of me and before I knew it, I crossed the city limits of a little town called Leitchfield. The time was nearly 4:30 and Cecilia was now 30 miles back the way I had come. The prickly burning in my hands served as notice that the temperature was starting to drop and the time to head for home was upon me. With some earnest I turned Audrey East and set the engine to soothing my troubled mind. As the minutes and miles rolled by, I started realizing that being caught out after dark in my relatively light gear would make things incredibly unpleasant, so I picked up the pace and tried my best to chew back the desire to stop and get warm.

My front tire crossed the threshold of Scott's garage at just after 5:00. I had been forced to stop once on the way home in order to get feeling back into my hands, and was having some trouble working the hand controls at times. The air had found its way into my boots, turning my feet to fiery lumps at the ends of my legs. Fortunately, my core, legs, and head were all reasonably warm, otherwise I might have had to slow my pace to a crawl. In less than 30 minutes, the cold penetrated so deeply that it took more than 20 minutes to get feeling back in my hands and feet.

In retrospect, I think the mid-to-high 30s are as cold as I can stand without a windshield or fairing to protect against the windchill. Any colder and I would have started having trouble using the controls at all. That said, I am glad to have gone for the ride. Opportunities to do some solo exploring have been far and few between the past couple months, so it was nice to get on the motorcycle and discover a new corner of the world. It would have been nice to have been warm and comfortable during the process, but no one said self-exploration was always a pleasant enterprise. :)

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Now playing: The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Home at last

When I left Scott and Laura's home in Cecilia, the time was 7:15 in the AM, the ambient temperature was floating in the upper-30s, and a thin frost was on the ground. As I pulled into the driveway here at home, the sky was partly cloudy, the moon full and bright in the Eastern sky, and the local temperature was right around 75. The trek took 13 hours and covered 846 miles of highway. Needless to day, I had plenty of time to reflect and contemplate.

It did not take long for me to conclude that this was easily the most enjoyable Thanksgiving I have ever experienced. All of the elements were there: several generations of our family, chilly weather, homemade food, Fall foliage giving way to barren Winter branches, etc. With family dogs and infants crawling around, it was as close to being a postcard as our family gets!

Laura prepared a delicious Thanksgiving dinner that was very vegetarian friendly. The Twins put on a show as only they can as their personalities become more distinct. Evelyn is considered and careful, while Ava is reckless and adventuresome. Evelyn was usually in no mood to deal with a group of people invading her kingdom and schedule, while Ava seemed all too eager to be distracted and entertained. With both sets of grandparents on hand, a slew of Baby Einstein videos, and a room full of toys at their disposal, there was rarely an idle moment for either of them.

The week was filled with activity, starting with my stopover in Atlanta last weekend, which gave me a chance to get enough of a taste for ATL that I now have to find a way back for a more extended stay. Once in Kentucky, Scott and I went for a trip out to the Maker's Mark distillery in Bardstown. Maker's is one of America's best whiskeys and seeing their production process firsthand bumped their brand up a couple of rungs on my list of favorites. After the 'rents arrived with Audrey, Dad and I rode out to Bowling Green for a tour of the Corvette manufacturing facility and museum. Later in the week, I went for my first ride in sub-40 degree weather. In the process, I learned what being cold on a motorcycle really means!

The entire family took a trip up to Indiana for the selection and cutting of this year's Christmas tree, which served as a lovely capstone on a week of family and relaxation. I honestly forgot about the things troubling me at home for nearly the entire trip, which was exactly what I needed. Seeing Scott, Laura, and the Twins reminded me how nice it is to spend time with family and reinforced the notion that time is incredibly precious. It is so important to spend time with people we enjoy and trust. Spending that time away from Florida, surrounded by family, recharged my proverbial batteries and restored my sense of clarity.

Florida's question marks and frustrations were far from my mind for most of the trip, which allowed for opportunities to truly relax, something I rarely do while I am here at home. Coming back to Florida, I realized that the tension was returning and how much I would rather be elsewhere. Maybe it's the people here, or maybe it's my past and present, or maybe it's the place. Florida will always be home, but it no longer feels very welcoming. Thanksgiving was exactly what I needed and I was happy to see the family together again. I already miss the munchkin twins, but everyone will be gathering here for their first birthday, so it won't be long before we all reunite again. :)

More to come later...

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Now playing: John Lennon - Imagine
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Friday, November 16, 2007

Time for a break

Tomorrow I leave for a week-long, Thanksgiving trip to Scott and Laura's home in Kentucky. I will be stopping for a night at my friend Mark's place in Atlanta on the way up. He and his wife are Georgia Tech alums living in the heart of the city. A variety of art materials and projects are making the trip with me and I plan to get some work done in the wee hours, when the muses are swimming most vigorously. My hope is that the drive and the time away will help clear my head of the mess I have been living with of late. This place feels like a colorless, soundless docudrama in front of a treadmill of late.

Almost everything in my life having to do with people feels like a futile exercise and I am beginning to associate Florida with dark times and fruitless efforts. My mind is tired and my spirit is growling at me to get away. Human interaction is the primary cause of stress in my existence, so it will be nice to limit that interaction to family for a week. After all, the people in our lives should bring us joy. Friendships should be mutually supportive, positive experiences, but that hasn't been the case of late. Some people seem to live in hopeless helplessness, resigning themselves to their fates as if they were passengers on some drunk driver's car accident life. That sort of outlook is incredibly difficult for me to deal with. How do you show people that they are their own greatest asset? That their life is their choice, and that they have the power to overcome all obstacles, were they only to believe they are capable?

It goes without saying, being away for a while will do my spirit some good. Putting distance between myself and the shadow that seems to hang over my Monday through Friday existence will be a welcome reprieve. I will see an old friend and we will have some laughs. I will spend time with my extended family and we will have some drinks. I will put in some work and hopefully make a little visual alchemy. My nieces will laugh and smile and my engine of hope will be refueled. With any luck, the weather will allow dad and I some riding, so that I might shed this crackling husk of stagnation into the wind. My bike and I have been separated since Tuesday and it feels like an eternity!

With any luck, I will come back recharged and reinvigorated. At the very least, I hope to return well rested and physically renewed. Not that I have an audience to speak of, but for the few people that read this regularly, I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I won't be making any posts while I am away, so most of you won't be hearing from me for a week or so, which is hugely disappointing, I'm sure. :)

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Now playing: Bush - Distant Voices
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Thursday, November 15, 2007

I have not ever been in greater need of a vacation in my entire life

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

Just an urchin livin' under the street
I'm a hard case that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case, so buy me something to eat
I'll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line

Rags to riches, or so they say
You gotta keep pushin' for the fortune and fame
You know, it's all a gamble when it's just a game
You treat it like a capital crime
Everybody's doin' the time

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home

Strapped in the chair of the city's gas chamber
Why I'm here I can't quite remember
The Surgeon General says it's hazardous to breathe
I'd have another cigarette, but I can't see
Tell me who you're gonna believe

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

Captain America's been torn apart
Now he's a court jester with a broken heart
He said, "Turn me around and take me back to the start.
I must be losin' my mind." Are you blind?

I've seen it all a million times

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

I wanna go
I wanna know
Oh, won't you please take me home?

I wanna see
How good it could be
Oh, won't you please take me home?

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

Take me down
Bring me 'round
Oh, won't you please take me home?

I wanna see
How good it could be
Oh won't you please take me home?

I wanna see
How good it could be
Take me home

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home?

I wanna go
I wanna know
Oh, won't you please take me home?

Yeah baby, please!

Paradise City - Guns N' Roses

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Standards? What standards?

Standards, they define us, the protect us, they determine what sort of life we will lead. We should hold ourselves and those we care about to high standards. Doing so improves our chances of leading good lives free of the troubles that beset those with lower standards. High standards keep us safe from conformity, and set us apart from the middling or bottom-dwelling herd. Elevating our standards gives us courage, strength, and bolsters our integrity. If our standards and our lives are in sync, we will find balance, and be better able to weather life's various storms. The opinion of others will become irrelevant, so long as we subscribe to and live by higher standards. What are higher standards? They are a stronger commitment to the common knowledge passed down through our collective history.

I think of higher standards as being a benchmark by which I can measure my own integrity. Everyone knows the core characteristics that define a good life: honesty, honor, generosity, etc. Everyone understands The Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated. Living a "good" life is as simple as committing to the basic principles behind The Golden Rule and doing our best to embody the characteristics that we believe to be the foundation of a just existence. I know this is truth because logic, religion, and basic intelligence all validate this opinion. It sounds simple and it is simple, so long as we have a little will power and a bit of personal integrity.

If our standards and our lives are not in sync, our integrity comes under attack and we will inevitably suffer. There is nothing magical or spiritual about it, it is simply a byproduct of momentum. Live one way, believe another, and eventually the opposing forces will begin to cause an imbalance that topples us over. You can only lie to yourself for so long. Lately, I have born witness to another way contradictory standards can topple hopes for balance and contentment. When lives are lived under a double standard, the chances for finding balance and contentment are just as slim. We cannot hold ourselves to one standard, the rest of the world another, and expect to be satisfied with life. The disconnect between what we accept from within and what we accept from without breaks down the validity of our beliefs. If our beliefs are invalid, what can be said for our foundation?

I'm fairly confident on this one, because I have seen the results firsthand, both in myself and in others. Two friends of mine have manifested this contradictory dynamic in their lives and neither seems to be the better for it. One holds their significant other to a higher standard than themselves, while the other does the opposite, lowering their standards to accommodate the behaviors of someone they care about. The results in both cases seem to be disorder, unease, and loads of stress. This should not come as a surprise to anyone! We cannot hold ouselves to a low standard of behavior and expect others to behave at a higher level. It is intellectually and emotionally dishonest to expect better from others than we do ourselves. No matter the justification or rationalization behind such double standards, the repercussions of such a disconnect are inescapable. Eventually such dishonesty comes home to roost.

On the other end of the spectrum, expecting less of others than we do ourselves will cause similar feelings of disquiet and even misery. The only rational outcome is repeated and perpetual disappointment. Someone committed to honesty who makes an emotional investment in a liar will suffer. Someone committed to charity who makes an emotional investment in a person driven by greed and self-interest will suffer. I could go on and on, but the point is simple: accepting less of others than one would accept of one's self inevitably creates a gulf that can only be bridged by a perpetual state of cognitive dissonance, which is really nothing more than a lie we tell ourselves. Again, you can only lie to yourself for so long.

There was a time in my life when I used to steal food from the grocery store I worked for. At the time, I was chronically depressed, perpetually angry, and more interested in my own expiration than in living a decent life. I used my depression and fatalism as a means of justifying not caring about the repercussions of what I was doing. The items I stole were written off, so the store wasn't literally losing money, but the profits that would have been made on those items went down my throat and into the trash compactor. At the time, I thought myself to be an honest, decent human being. Not surprisingly, I was never so miserable as I was during my time as that person. It's fortunate that I survived myself and changed my way of being, though I am still far from convergence with my ideal.

Double standards are lies we fabricate for ourselves to help rationalize or justify unacceptable behaviors in ourselves or in others. It's that simple. When we stop allowing ourselves those lies and start bringing our external and internal expectations in line, we are getting closer to truth. The closer we are to truth, the more valid, solid, and real our existence will be and the better we will feel about existing.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Buddhists have it wrong

Slade shared this link to a chapter from Pope John Paull II's book Crossing the Threshold of Hope. This particular chapter deals with Buddhism and lays out some of the deceased Pope's thoughts on my favorite Asian faith. I found his ideas interesting, though there is an obvious bias and dismissive tone to the passage. There is no denying that I am in no position to debate or point-counterpoint with a man who spent most of his adult life pursuing a greater understanding of Christian history and heritage. I am no theologian. Even where Buddhism is concerned, I have a layman's understanding, at best, but my opinion is very different than Paul II's.

He portrays the Buddhist practice of seeking transcendence as inherently negative. His argument is that this world is his god's creation and as such is our soul's bridge to his god's grace. The argument is that by disconnecting from the physical realm, a seeker actually limits his development and lives counter to the Christian god's will, as attested to in this passage:

The Second Vatican Council has amply confirmed this truth. To indulge in a negative attitude toward the world, in the conviction that it is only a source of suffering for man and that he therefore must break away from it, is negative not only because it is unilateral but also because it is fundamentally contrary to the development of both man himself and the world, which the Creator has given and entrusted to man as his task.

Obviously, there is little room for making an argument, as a man like the Pope is operating from a position of fundamental belief in Biblical principles. He believed that the Earth was created by YHWH or Jehovah, so his perceptions of the Earth as an object are going to be fundamentally different than someone who does not agree with that foundational assumption. If the Earth was not created by a god, and man is not the product of that same god, then there is no reason to hold an allegiance to either the Earth or a god. Where a Buddhist sees this realization as an essential first step toward greater understanding and transcendence, a Christian, Jew, Muslim, etc will see such thinking as silly, or even blasphemous. In some places, those same children of god will kill you in the name of their love for a god, were they to learn of your dissention. That's one hell of a way to prove a point, but I digress.

So you either embrace the world as god's charge to Humankind, or you are wrong, which means Buddhism is inherently incorrect and thereby blasphemous or sinful. That's the position being taken and it seems to be more than a little negativistic in itself, if not outright egocentric and exclusionary, but a singular god is the core of Christian/Judaic/Muslim understanding. You are either with them, or you are wrong. In effect, their god declares that you can get onboard or you will be left behind. Each monotheistic movement declares that its teachings (and its teachings alone) are the absolute and only Truth as prescribed by their god. They are all trying to monopolize spiritual Truth, some in a way that is very reminiscent of power mad Kings or greed fueled Capitalists. The very idea that humans are so unrepentantly arrogant as to proclaim themselves adjunct possessors of truth is enough to make turning my back on organized monotheism an easy decision. I want no part of people who would presume the will of something they admit to being incapable of understanding, particularly when the primary record of said will is thousands of years old.

Buddhism is a faith of harmony, oneness, and spiritual ascension. It recognizes the perils of the physical world and seeks to find truths where there are so many obvious lies. Every aspect of physical existence can easily be understood as being self-perpetuating falsehoods. From ownership of property, to the significance of social power, to the importance of our species. Take all of it away, wipe every person from the face of the Earth, and what happens? Life goes on. Does that mean I am not as susceptible to losing my sense of perspective as anyone other primate walking the planet? Of course not. I still get angry when someone steals or damages "my possessions", I still seek out abstract sensations like love and acceptance. I am as guilty as anyone, but I do not condemn other peoples' beliefs, so long as they do not harm others while being genuine and sincere in those beliefs. Anything less than sincerity is an escape from integrity and of no real value.

As I have said many times before, I am not a theologian, so I cannot claim to have anything but a basic understanding of formalized religions and faiths. All I have is what is left of my mind, and what I am able to glean from the murmurs coming up through my gut(or dandien, as the negativist Buddhists would say). I believe there is more to this world than haves and have-nots, the in and the out crowd, the saved and the damned. I believe that good people are a benefit to us all, regardless of why they are good. I also believe that people are neither inherently good, nor inherently evil, we are only self-interested. I do not believe any loving, caring god would forsake the good souls because of the name they have chosen for it or the way they have chosen to express their goodness in this world.

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Now playing: Slipknot - Prelude
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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Chicks on bikes

There are two types of women on motorcycles, riders and passengers. In my opinion, it takes more courage to be a passenger, but it's always better to be the rider. Passengers are, by definition, along for the ride. They are effectively without any control of what is going on around them, which means they are literally trusting the rider with their lives. That type of vulnerability is completely foreign to my way of thinking. I have a hard enough time riding along with someone in a car, being on the back of a bike would be an experience not unlike having my teeth pulled.

Passengers have guts, particularly passengers straddling the tail section of a sportbike. Two modified Hayabusas pulled up next to me at a light on the way home tonight. Both bikes were two-up, and both passengers were very petite girls. On almost any bike, the passenger sits a bit higher than the rider, and the 'Busa's passenger seat is typical in this regard. However, most cruisers provide a bit more butt and legroom than your average sportbike. The two unfortunate ladies I saw tonight were perched precariously on the minimal passenger space available to them in what were effectively fetal positions. Not the way I want to travel around on two wheels.

I ride pretty regularly these days, but the only explanation I can come up with for putting yourself in such a vulnerable, uncomfortable position on bikes capable of reaching 190+mph is insanity. That is the best I can come up with, because any girl who would trust her life to a rider with a mohawk attached to his helmet, a stretched swingarm, and a nearly 200bhp motorcycle has to be out of her mind! lol

Female riders, on the other hand, are a different breed altogether. For reasons I do not understand, most women seem to be content as passengers. Maybe they are afraid of learning the controls, or perhaps they are simply happier on the back seat, whatever the reason, a majority of women give over control of the motorcycle to others. But once in a while, a woman decides that she would rather be clutching, throttling, and leaning a bike for herself. The effect is powerful. Getting off the backseat is a statement of self. Instead of deferring your safety, and a significant portion of the motorcycling experience, to another, you take the handlebars in your hands and assume the responsibility of piloting your journey. In that way, motorcycling makes for a wonderful life metaphor. And in life, there is no one more powerful and free than those with the courage to grab hold and set their own direction.

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Now playing: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
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Friday, November 09, 2007

The wisdom of old men

What do you say when a 70-something years old man, we will call him Sayid, because that's his name, tells you that you are going to regret the way you live your life? More importantly, what do you do when you know he's right? Sayid told me in no uncertain terms that I would regret not having had more fun with girls in my youth, because eventually there won't be any more opportunities for fun. I understand that he is right, regretting some of this is inevitable, but I struggle with what to do about it. There's no point in pontificating about vision, hopes, aspirations, and the like, especially when everyone knows that the odds of building long-term contentedness are so slim. The deck is stacked against us, particularly in such a cheap and superficial culture. We are young and virile for only so long, and youth spent is lost forever, but this pesky vision, these wretched hopes, and terrible aspirations conspire to complicate things at every turn.

Out of necessity, the vision becomes a sort of surrogate lover, hopes metamorphose into a cerebral affair with optimism, and aspirations serve as fantasies of loves yet to come. I find myself daydreaming of simple times in a better place, surrounded by healthy, loving people. I hope for harmony and that these 30+ years spent climbing uphill will not have been for nothing. That is the most pervasive concern I harbor. In a place full of people who do not value values, trying to do something different where sex and relationships is concerned makes you more of a novelty item or pariah than a person of interest. You end up trapped between a desire to live your life in a certain fashion and the reality that most people do not share your desires. As time goes by, your options are reduced, and you become progressively more alienated.

Would Sayid understand any of that? Maybe, as a 70-something years old man, but his advice would be the same: go "enjoy" as many women as I can. He wouldn't understand that I am trying to take a different trip through this life, just as I can't understand what he must be experiencing as he nears the end of his years. My options are already drastically reduced relative to what they were at 20. By the time I am 40, they will be even fewer, by 50 incredibly scarce, and by 60 almost certainly nonexistent. So I can either hedge my bets and hope that I cross paths with someone I connect with before my time runs out, or I take opportunities as they come, out of fear that they one day won't be there. What to do with that knowledge is a difficult thing.

It is hard to accept that I have painted myself into a corner, but in effect, that is exactly what I have done. I have little or nothing in common with most women, so I begin to wonder, do I start letting up a bit in the name of "fun", or do I hold fast and keep hoping for a miracle? On top of everything else, my experience with women has largely been anything but "fun", so selling out and abandoning the high road provides no guarantees that things will get better. Chances are high that they would only become more complicated and discouraging. Guys like Sayid are probably right, but are they righteous? Am I? In a world without gods, does it matter? I don't know, but something has to change.

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Thursday, November 08, 2007

Internal Combustion

This is an awesome vid of an internal combustion engine at work. A super-high speed camera was positioned at the top of a cylinder, so that the crown of the pistons and vales were visible. Forget about the environmental impact of what you are watching and absorb the coolness for a minute. I have a new appreciation for Scooby and Audrey now. :)

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What we need to know forgotten

This is inspired by, not necessarily directly about, the little munchkins. :)

Ought not saddle unbridled dreams
racing wild toward yonder horizons
without first the fall embraced;
peaceful in life’s harrowing jeopardy
and these dreaded potentialities
beneath its promise-filled bosom.

Like children chasing the breeze
sway and flows the heart's whimsy,
but for the rarest, precious exceptions
an everlasting trip and tumble
over sun speckled pathways
on bare soles encumbered and raw.

The Little Ones step light and beautiful
free for exploration’s discovery,
life’s song an easy harmony -
effortless notes floating weightless
distill troubled thoughts to ether
to evaporate far, far and away.

Infant smiles born of the heart
purified water to feed soulful germination -
pristine eyes gather life as itself,
unadulterated, accepting and sincere,
these things we would be, should be
would trepidation not be our god.

What we need to know forgotten -
play as innocents in ancient sand
whirl as eagles on Southern winds rising
race as porpoises through oceanic depths
dance as angels atop spirit’s fire
knowing again what has been forgotten.

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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

This video makes me smile every time I watch it

Literally every time. :)

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Just too damn picky

When people tell you to stop being so picky, what they are really telling you is that you have unrealistic standards. That is to say, what you're after either does not exist, or is beyond your capabilities. You will be encouraged to compromise. They will tell you that it is better to compromise and be "loved" than to hold fast and be lonely. Humanity's social norms seem to be one founded on codependence, rather than interdependence. If being with someone requires that you compromise your core values, beliefs, hopes, or aspirations, what good is being? The only real purpose of love is to uplift, support, comfort, and encourage. Love is a positive force, so anything having to do with love is inherently steeped in positivity. Anything less is not love, it is ownership. Compromising who you are to satisfy another is not sacrifice in the name of love, it is martyrdom in the name of another human's gratification.

I could not tell you how many times in my life that I have been encouraged to compromise, but I have always wondered what exactly this sacrifice would be for. What is so wrong with my standards to begin with? What do the masses know that I need to learn? My fellow humans have taught me more about what I should not be doing than how I might find my way to where I want to be. Being alone can be hard, it can be outright devastating, but it is better to be devastated alone than to be consumed. Compromise consumes us in tiny nibbles. What begins as a clear, crisp vision begins to muddy and blur as compromise scratches at the lens of our lives. Like a beach we put ourselves at risk of slowly eroding to little more than strips of sand butting up against life's storm walls. Compromise chews our bodies, minds, and spirits.

Obviously, we all compromise. Life is nearly impossible without compromise, and any relationship becomes untenable if there are no compromises being made, so the question becomes one of degrees. How much of who you are is worth surrendering to have someone there. This is question each person answers for themselves, as some are willing to relinquish nearly everything, while others will surrender almost nothing. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. This is all opinion, of course, but I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle. To know love, we much know compromise, but these compromises cannot be of the fundamental variety. If someone is asking us to compromise our foundation, and that foundation is largely healthy or happy, they are not expressing their love, they are expressing their desire to change who we are. It's one thing to give up a hobby to spend more time with a significant other, but shedding the things we are passionate about is not an option.

So many times I see people sacrificing in the name of what they call love, but I know that their idea of love must be different from mine, because such sacrifices would not even be asked by people sharing what I conceive of as love. Anyone asking or demanding that we change who were are fundamentally is not interested in loving us, their primary concern is controlling and limiting us. We are possessions that should think as they would have us think, and do as they would have us do. They are not travelers sharing a journey, but passengers shouting at us from the seat of a rickshaw we find ourselves pulling.

I understand that some things must be compromised, but I also believe that some people are fundamentally ignorant of what it means to be picky. When you are talking about falling in love with someone, how can you not be picky? Rejecting someone for purely superficial reasons, like the length of their toes, the sound of their laugh, or the car that they drive is not being picky, it's being asinine. Being picky is about willfully being alone if you cannot find what it is you are looking for in another person, whatever that may be. Who we are is all we really have, in this physical world, so anyone that would ask we sacrifice who we are is not asking out of love, they are asking because they believe that who they are is greater than us and therefore worthy of our sacrifice. That is not love, as far as I am concerned.

Then again, most people would argue that I cannot know anything of love. Most people would describe me as unrealistic, assuming that they are feeling kind, but I do not believe it to be unrealistic or unfair to expect as much from others as you do yourself. In my mind, that is the essence of fairness, as asking no more than you are willing to give would seem to be the essence of love. Maybe I have it all wrong. After all, I haven't ever been in a healthy, long-term relationship. Let me rephrase that, I haven't ever been in a long-term relationship, period, so there is a real chance I have it completely wrong, in which case, the rest of the world can piss off and leave me alone! :)

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Monday, November 05, 2007

Progress report

There are all kinds of things I would like to write about, but none of them would be anything new, so I'll post a progress photo from the painting I am working on. I use the word progress loosely, but at the very least, it is different than the last time I photographed it. :)



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Now playing: Bob Marley & The Wailers - No Woman, No Cry
via FoxyTunes

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

Bars, bikes, and booze

I couldn't pick up a girl in a bar to save my life. I don't have the type of charm necessary to pull off a one night stand, and my time spent in bars was about getting drunk with friends, not finding a girl to spend the night with. Yet, I didn't ever really have a problem being around the type of people who were into that version of Russian Roulette, which is a good thing, because I went barhopping with a bunch of bikers on Friday night and "getting some ass" was all I heard about the whole-fucking-night!

Now, I know that I could probably get laid more often - a comatose person could get laid more often than I do - were I to give it some(any?) genuine effort. Could I score every night out? Hell no - I'd be lucky to find a willing soul once a year, assuming an every-weekend work ethic, but among males, only those with wealth, fame, uncanny charm, or power enjoy success rates approaching 100%. You wouldn't know it by listening to some of the guys I was hanging with on Friday. Don't get me wrong, they were a fun group and I discovered a genuinely cool bar during our extended lap around the Palm Harbor area, but these guys were preoccupied with "pussy", "trim", and "ass" in the same way a dog is concerned with cars. Assuming they had all bedded as many women as they claimed, my only conclusion would be that they had slept with nearly every woman in central Florida at one time or another between them.

Needless to say, we had some philosophical differences, but none of that really mattered to me. As preachy as people think I am, when it comes right down to it, I would rather let people do what they want than try to stop them. So I let them do their thing and I did mine, the end result being that we all had a good time. Every bar we hit, we made an entrance - bikes roaring onto the sidewalk, engines thudding off the buildings, pedestrians standing aside, some smiling while others rolled their eyes. I have to admit, it was fun. :)

In my opinion, the best time of the night was had at Slugs on Racetrack Road. By 10:00, the bar was packed full with an enthusiastic crowd, and the space was filled with a surprising number of beautiful women...unusual for a bar around these parts. One rider in our group knew the owners, so we were introduced to their lovely female staff members, and the seeds of a Tuesday night bike night were planted.

Ironically, Slugs seemed to be the last place most of the group wanted to be, despite the high loveliness ratio. I questioned why they would want to leave the best venue of the night, and their response was that most of the girls were there with boyfriends. I disagreed, but they were moving on anyway. Before we had been there an hour, all but one rider and myself left for another bar I had no interest in visiting, so we stayed put for a while to enjoy the atmosphere.

By this time, my sole remaining riding buddy was almost certainly well on his way to being drunk, which made kick starting his '55 Panhead(gorgeous bike!) something of a struggle. After a minute of trying, the old lady fired, and we were off. Again, I'm not going to stop a grown human being from doing what they want to do, especially when I hardly know them, but I did keep an extra eye out. I made sure to cover myself while we were rolling out and would have done something, had the guy been weaving all over. As it happened, we made it to our destination without issue and no one was injured or put in harm's way.

After Slugs, V's Martini Bar was a huge letdown. The air was heavy with smoke, the atmosphere more reserved, and the scenery less interesting. We hung around for a bit before the rest of our crew made their entrance, and the night progressively wound down. By 1:30 in the AM, I was on my way home, riding sober and alone. As far as I know, all of my one-nighter hunting comrades went home alone as well, though the sober thing was debatable. Would I do another night of bar hopping? Maybe, but it's pretty clear that the bar scene simply isn't for me any longer. The smoke sucks, I rarely drink, and I have all the charm one would expect from someone with a mild case of social retardation, so there's really little point these days. :)

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Now playing: The Beatles - Hey Jude
via FoxyTunes

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

One heaping helping of ignorance to go, please!

The nature of seeking "The Way", meaning my Way(as we are all seeking our own Way), is to understand that the only certainty is that in all actuality we have no fucking clue what our Way really is. I believe we find it in a subliminal, intuitive fashion, if we find it at all. This is why the how and why behind the progression from seeking to finding eludes our intellectual efforts. The paradoxical tap dance between seeking knowledge that is essentially unknowable is part of the journey. I have to constantly remind myself, no matter how confident or sure I may be, that my reality is predominantly ignorant, rather than enlightened. I know much less than I don't know, which is to say I am effectively ignorant, but where's the bliss? My concern is that I may be too ignorant or arrogant to learn my lessons and properly assimilate them into the core of who I am.

Were we all to conduct an audit of our worldly understanding, I have a feeling most, myself included, would be living under the auspices of incredibly oversimplified assumptions. For instance, my general opinion of humanity is cynical in nature, if not outright negative. I see the good in humanity as exceptional, and believe that most humans are creatures driven primarily by self-interest. Our species is prone to violence, cruelty, and exploitation. The proof is all around us, from our incredibly inadequate leadership, to the pervasive, vacuous mud puddle that is American(pop) culture; as a species we are very much the same as we were in the times of Egypt, Greece, or Rome. We have not evolved in any substantial fashion since the age of Sumerians. For all intents and purposes, I see our species as little more than the same savages that have been slaughtering one another since Mesopotamia, though we have refined our ability to destroy beyond almost anyone's imagination. In the West, we make violence less personal with technology, but that doesn't mean there aren't humans chopping one another to bits with machetes in places like Rwanda or Congo. Where we go radically astray is in believing that people like the Rwandans are a lower form of life because their life-taking is so brutal. Fact is, they are not using machetes because they are lower forms of life, they are using machetes because their access to machine guns and explosives is limited. They have no money, so they use the tools they have at hand. The end result is the same, even if the methodologies are different.

There is something to be learned in that. For all of our technological advances, we are still the same primitive, brutal, nasty species we have been since the first Homo Sapiens stood upright. If science and monotheism are correct, we are all distant products of ancient incest. Many modern scientists, according to articles I have read, believe the Homo Sapiens evolutionary process began with a single mother. The world's dominant monotheist religions are founded on the Adam and Eve story as related in Genesis. One mother begetting 6+ billion offspring…creepy, yet, here we are. And you would think that this would humble us, but its effect is actually the exact opposite. We are the rulers of this world. We claim ownership of the land, the sea, and the air. Our species covers nearly every habitable acre of land on the Earth's surface. If you can build a house and/or sustain life there, someone will go, to be followed shortly thereafter by a Wal-Mart and a CVS.

So how does the inbred offspring of a thousand incestuous generations find his or her Way through the morass? Simple, we make it up as we go along. I have my version of existence, you have yours, and the next person in line has theirs. We are making it up. If our minds are processing data and we are acting on that data with no input from our spiritual selves, or without considering our spirit at all, we are living in a completely detached state of reality created entirely within our minds. We are not tied to reality as it is, we are tied to reality as we want or believe it to be. So we live our illusions of superiority and pseudo-godliness, but all the while, we are still several evolutionary advances short of being what we imagine ourselves to be. This doesn't stop us from pretending, and our species certainly has no trouble acting as if we know, that we are certain, of the causation behind our here and now, but I return to my initial point: we don't know shit.

Right now, I'm feeling particularly ignorant. My body is tired, lack of sleep is leaving me mentally weary, and loneliness is nipping at my heels continuously of late. I wonder if I am not chasing rainbows, or if all of this thinking and hoping and work will one day result in some form of contentedness. For now, I find myself pursuing people and ideals that seem unattainable, in hopes that the pursuit will one day lead me to where I am supposed to be. I dream of a safe, loving, healthy niche in the greater space of chaos and disease, even as I question components of my own mental state and capabilities. I know that I am little more than an ignorant monkey, but can't help hoping that I might one day be a wizened owl. Most of all, I am tired of seeking alone, but remain aware that in this I am nearly powerless. They say ignorance is bliss, but I'm more inclined to think that it may be our Way of living, but that seems to rarely be touched by bliss.

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Now playing: Alice In Chains - God Am
via FoxyTunes

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