Friday, July 28, 2006

Life's forks, Fate and Density, I mean Destiny

I have been thinking a great deal about the concept of Fate, my understanding of it and the implications of my belief in it. To believe in Fate, particularly in the literal definition of the word, is to acknowledge the possibility that Destiny is a real force in our lives. While I believe in my own version of Fate, I am not sold on the idea of Destiny. That said, there is some change creeping into my conceptualization of the Fate/Life and perhaps Destiny intersection.

The root of this renewed questioning is my return to school and my accceptance to Eckerd. Eckerd was one of the schools I dreamt of attending in my late teens. They were third on my list behind the Savannah School of Art and Design and Ringling, but they were most definitely on the list. At the time, I used money as an excuse to explain my choosing not to apply, but the only thing that truly stopped me from attending any of those three schools was my generally dark attitude and resultant complete lack of hope.

In short, I didn't care at all and when the time to make a decision came, I decided not to decide. I was sabotaging myself and limiting my possibilities because of what amounted to little more than self-loathing. Common to the point of cliche, sure, but it happened and it made a huge diffence in where I would go mentally and spritually over the next ten years. During that ime, I missed out on going to a school that would have excited me, went to work full-time, forgot about school altogether, got my office job and somehow rediscovered a spiritual aspect to my own existence. Eventually the idea started brewing that a return to school would not only be helpful to my career, but a benefit to me as person in a larger context. As the months went on, I realized that it was something I simply had to do. By the time June rolled around, I was absolutely sure.

This is where Fate and Destiny come in. I've come to conceptualize Fate as life's great provider. It presents us with choices, we make our decision and life moves forward accordingly. Not exactly the textbook definition of Fate's role in our lives, but then textbooks are really just guidebooks to help us find our own way. My personal vision of Fate's functionality does not gel well with the principles of Destiny, because of the free will involved. If we are free to choose, our future cannot be foretold, if we are not free to choose all of our choices have already been made and we are doing little more than connecting dots.

The idea of putting so much work into marching toward predetermined waypoints doesn't sit well with me. If that is our reality, then our lots are already cast and our achievements and personal victories, as well as fairlures and shortcomings, are effectively much ado about nothing. I find such an idea completely disappointing. However, there are times that the idea of Destiny seems like a plausible, real thing. Take my ending up an Eckerd student eleven years after the fact, for example. Things couldn't be coming together at a better time.

I'm free from almost all external constraints and find myself very excited about the idea of going back to school. It would seem that all of my choices to this point in life have led me here and a part of me is tempted to believe that it was meant to be. How much value I put in the idea varies by the moment, but the fact that it is there at all is interesting.

Maybe it is Destiny, maybe it is the dictionary version of Fate or maybe it is the product of my decision making and a little dumb luck. Whatever the case may be, I'm looking forward to the unknown. I have the distinct feeling that academia will be a lot more fun this time through.

Posted by Erik @ 7/28/2006 09:22:00 PM