Saturday, August 26, 2006
It ain't easy being human
I have been learning some lessons the hard way lately. At my age, that's a tough pill to swallow, but I'm doing what I have to. Of course there is no other option, but a quiet statement of resolve never hurt anyone. And for the first time in a long, long time the realization that I may be on a path to deeper insights into my psyche and my path through this life feels like a real and tangible thing. Of course, such knowledge is always hard earned and elusive, but if we take the time to stop, consider and reflect, the pieces eventually fall into place.
I am becoming more aware of the tenuous nature of our perceptions and the idea that we are all "only human" is taking on a new resonance in my cognitive understanding of what it means to be alive and learning. The idea that we can only plug the dam so long before the water begins to find its way forward is becoming more and more appealing to me. In many ways, the dam I had built in my early 20s has begun to show signs of cracking this year and I am finally ready to admit that I am ready for it.
There is an element of struggle, as this new flow of water has to be managed, adapted to and directed if it is going to be of any use, but then nothing worthy of pursuing is ever easily won. The real understanding that I am human like everyone else, that this is ok and that I am still very much the man I had hoped I would be at this age, despite the events of these past 8 months, is a comfort. When I look at the good versus the ill in my life, I still see a surplus of the positive and a modest accumulation of the negative.
This makes the pursuit of deeper truths that much more satisfying, as there is still no doubt in my mind that I am trying my best to bring good into this world. Now that obsession with goodness and morality is being tempered by more compassionate motivations. The compulsive need to judge, subsequently welcoming in undo worry and stress, is not burning as hotly in my gut lately. And honestly, I am thankful for its cooling.
It is hard to admit that you are struggling under the load of life's burdens. There is a certain shame in accepting that you are being drained by your mind's encumbrances, but that is the reality of my situation on August 27, 2006. Restarting my academic career with Eckerd is playing no small part in realigning my perspective, but life experience; real in-the-trenches experience, is the driving force behind my cerebral cargo and the unqualified admission that its pressure is ever present.
I think I will retire from the judgment game. I think I will listen to good music, read a few good books, write a few exploratory essays, get a few A's and allow my mind to regain some of its flexibility. Stretching out and taking the time to properly reflect and absorb can do nothing but good for all of us. It has taken me 29 years to find a place where I can sit and honestly consider such things, but 29 years is better than 35, 40, 60 or never.
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holy vagueness... care to expound at all?
Nope. ;) It's not one specific thing, so much as an accumulation of events, lessons and a new sense of reality. I'm not turning my back on my principles, so don't let your imagination run too wild. This is another step in the process of getting alright with being human, which is actually a bit difficult for me. Don't worry, I'm still championing the causes of good, virtue and spiritual ascension. :)
i'll have to take your word for it.
hmmm I wonder if this is something like a mid-life crisis?
My word is my bond and your insinuated doubt or cynicism is not the most encouraging thing I've read all day, but it is understandable. Have no fear, I'm still a decent human being. :)
And this had better not be my mid-life!
i wasn't trying to be adverse, you've just got this enigmatic "my historical hardline stance is softening but i don't want to get into" thing going on.
;)
Well, some things simply aren't for public consumption. My view on other peoples' behavior is softening, but my personal standards are still intact. The real point of my post was that I am finally accepting that we are all humans and that we cannot live perfection. We can only do our best to live good, honest lives while keeping the things that happen along the way in their proper perspectives. People say it all the time, but it has finally sank into my mind as a real truth...as something I can finally live with.
Don't assume the worst...that's all I'm saying.