Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Life singularly
Some of us are built and bred to be alone. Before you start thinking, "Oh no, here comes some sort of emo rant and whine session", stop...it's not that kind of thing at all. This is more of an exploration as a means to explanation and perhaps a source of insight into my thought processes.
There are those amongst us, the majority I suppose, that feel being in a relationship is the normal, healthy goal for any of us. They would tell you that single people are lonely, incomplete or somehow inferior, because that is their experience of being "single". They would suggest that someone arguing an alternative is likely in denial or being less than honest, because their experiences with being single are unpleasant or uncomfortable. Regardless, I take the position that you can in fact be happily alone.
I have very limited relationship experience, as I have typically chosen to stand outside and look in, watching the rest of humanity go about their business. In many ways I am utterly average and common, but in this particular way I stand aside much of the norm. It has been an educational experience and while I admit to its faults, I still believe the argument that much can be learned through observation is still a valid one, even where life experience is concerned.
An overwhelming number of my breaths in this life have been processed as a single person. Single is my normal. Single is my known quantity, my basis for consistency and my frame of reference. I have been single so long that relationships are becoming more and more alien to me. Given the abnormal nature of such a viewpoint, I am inclined to believe that there is a reason for this beyond simple denial or self-delusion.
Perhaps it is the fact that single is safe and controllable and consistent, as I have experienced it. There are fewer variables, distractions and inconsistencies. When I am alone, my routine is an asset, rather than an obstacle. With so many questions surrounding life and its intricacies dancing through my head at any given time, that sort of stability and congruence is highly desirable. I literally depend on it for a sense of solidity.
And sure, for most the idea of having someone there to share their days with is appealing or even essential, but for me it has always seemed to be something of an improbable reality. Subsequently, my dreams and aspirations have always more or less revolved around living and being alone. When I dream of retirement, I envision myself alone on a beach, drink in hand, enjoying the peace of sunset amidst the sound of rolling waves and the cool sea breezes.
I want to write, to draw, to take long moments of silence for quiet reflection. Children, grandchildren and the like rarely if ever factor into my thinking. My first inclination has always been to let "the others" repopulate the Earth. They seem to have it all figured out, after all, so let them have at it.
The idea that I haven't "met the right girl" is always being suggested, but then who is to say I ever will? I can't be sure in the least and at present I am unmotivated to pursue anyone, so the question is effectively irrelevant. The general standards of behavior make no sense to me and I have stopped trying to reconcile where I stand with where it appears I should be.
I am not a realist where relationships are concerned and I must admit that I do not desire to be. The gratifcation gained from holding on to an ideal is more pleasing than the idea and sacrifices of compromise. Something in my brain must be wired differently, because I genuinely seem to be incapable of approaching normal on this one.
Of course, it's possible that I could be making a terrible mistake and that one day I will regret not having done more with more people. There's no telling until the time has passed, but looking at the lives of people I admire, I'm fairly confident that it is better to hold onto your beliefs rather than compromise and give into "reality". Do this honestly and conistently and regret becomes a non-issue, because you can look back with the knowledge that you walked the walk, despite it being difficult or abnormal thing to do.
For the time being I am convinced this is the right choice for me, but make no claims that this is a position for everyone. I recognize the fact that we evolve and change as the years work us over, but for the time being, my mind is set and my vision is clear. As I breath now, I belong by myself, for better or worse, come what may.
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that's weird as hell. i was getting ready to write on exactly the same topic and thought "i'll take a quick look at erik's blog first." no joke!
Great minds think alike! lol The proverbial masses have it all figured out...look how happy and fulfilling their lives are. As hapless loners, our misery knows no bounds. Maybe, just maybe, if we step away and watch them, learn their ways and adopt their attitudes, we too can find the path to happiness they have so obviously set out upon. That's my plan, anyway. What could possibly go wrong? ;)