Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Filling the time
I was thinking about something interesting as I fell asleep last night. If you added up the entire time I have dated/been in a relationship over the span of my life, it would account for less than 1% of my time on this Earth. Actually, it would be a fraction of a fraction of 1%, and to be honest, I have mixed feelings about that fact.
On the one hand, there is some disappointment, since I do recognize that my youth is over, and that I will not ever have the opportunities I have had in the past as life goes forward. As we age, opportunity dwindles, it is just a natural effect of the process. I am OK with the idea, and genuinely feel no sadness or sorrow about the way things have unfolded. The realization that my way of thinking has no place in this modern world is something that settled in as part of my psychology years ago. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not built for relationships in the real world, with real people, so it's neither some great tragedy, nor a reason to bemoan my fate.
My disappointment arises not from a lack of opportunities for the physical joys that come with dating and relationships, as most people seem to think it would/will as I grow older. The fact is, I have had plenty of chances, and passed on nearly all of them willingly. You can't regret doing what you believe is right, and you can't be disappointed with being true to yourself. What really disappoints is how few opportunities any of us have to really experience love in this life. Then again, love is different things to different people. There is the TV version, which can last a month, a week, or a few hours. This is the version most people seem to experience in their youth. Then there is the kind of love that seeps into your soul and changes your world, hopefully for the better.
This more pervasive, penetrating variety is the kind that life seems to reserve for a very, very limited portion of the species. In my life, I have only gotten a glimpse of it, and then only from a distance. That is a difficult thing to reconcile, given that I, like anyone, would like to think I am worthy of experiencing such things. Alas, a miniscule minority of us are destined to know it, while the rest can only dream, if they are fortunate enough to dream at all. I'm fine with being a dreamer, if that is my fate, because it is better than the alternative, but I would have liked to have known what it felt like once in my youth. As we age in the real world, we naturally develop a certain level of cynicism. So rare are the genuine experiences and people in our lives, I feel it is only natural, and to some degree is beyond our control. I know that I will not ever look at the world with the eyes of an innocent again, if I ever had the chance to begin with, and this underlying cynicism will have an affect, whether I am aware of it or not. Such is the nature of living among, and dealing with, people.
I do take some satisfaction in the feeling that I have filled my time on this Earth productively. Where I could have spent my hours living for someone else, or mourning the lack thereof, I used the opportunity to read, write, create, exercise, learn, explore, and expand myself. My intention is to continue to do so until there is no longer life in this body. I feel as if I have a better understanding of myself and my reality than I would have, had I been continually distracted by the dramas and demands relationships bring about as a matter of course. In the process, I rediscovered and redefined my concept of spirituality, finding many personal truths that may have remained hidden from view, had I not had the time and energy to seek them out. In no way is my journey complete, but I do believe it to be further along than it would be otherwise. I believe that this is all that really matters to the spirit that fuels our living.
Reading stories like Frankl's, or the accouns of Socrates, or the poetry of Robert Frost, confirm and reaffirm this notion that what really matters in life is life, not the silly distractions, the temporary frustrations, or the momentary lapses. The larger arc of our lives is what holds value, not the passing pleasures and pains. How we shape that arc is what defines us, and so far, I am mostly satisfied with the way I have defined myself. That sense of satisfaction can only grow as I complete school, do some traveling, and continue learning. One would hope, anyway...
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I think a lot of what your feeling is from the fact that we are getting older (as much as it pains me to say it). Just from talking with new friends/co-workers I've met who are our age, it seems like everyone has so much baggage now... kids, exes, debt, assorted problems. Ideally it would be great to meet someone when you are young and be with that person forever. But unfortunately that is rare.
Relationships of course take a lot of effort, so I don't fault you for not wanting to get involved with that. However, I still believe that if you could experience a real, lasting relationship with someone (yes I still believe in the concept of soulmates), your life would be so much more complete. What could be better than to share your life, hopes, dreams, fears, body, and soul with another human being who loves and respects you that you could trust completely?
I agree that there probably is nothing more satisfying to the human animal than the ideal relationship I think all healthy people dream of. The problem is, so few people ever find it, which makes searching for it something of a masochistic exercise in perseverence. Life will see only a select few of us ever getting close to this type of relationship. It is possible, but I think everyone would agree that it is very rare in this modern world. My gut tells me that my time has passed in many ways. I don't think it is generic despair or cynicism, but something else that is creating this feeling.
It's hard to explain, but as someone who is going to be 30 next year, it is time to face some of life's cold, hard, facts. I am not good at handling the baggage you describe, and there is little hope of avoiding it as we grow older, because of the nature of our society. Love is cheap, sex is a recreational activity, the rise of "nature theory", which excuses human promiscuity and infidelity with theoretical, genetic dispositions. These things are all becoming more prevalent pieces of the general groupthink that drives the proletariat. In an environment where being committed to a higher sense of existence is seen as something on the verge of silly, it is difficult to hold on to hope.
I see what you're saying, but I also believe that some of us are better off alone. Sometimes it is better to hold fast to an ideal, than to compromise for the next best thing one can find in reality. Lately I'm wallowing in how phony, hollow, and pathetic most people seem to be, so that is having a big influence on my thinking as well. It's not all bad, but it certainly ain't all good. :)
okay, i want to first of all say that 1. i love being single, 2. i have no interest in getting involved with anyone, and 3. i've really warmed up to the idea that i don't need a partner in order to lead a fulfilling life.
that said, you are being really melodramatic here my friend! one of the cutest sights in the world is that of a young romance between little old man and little old lady. every day people find love and companionship in all the most obscure and unexpected places. moreoever, the testimonial of my own family is as follows: my dad was thirty when my parents got married, and they've been together now for more than twenty years - happily, i might add.
point being, it's okay to be independent, but don't make excuses!
I'm not trying to make excuses, just explaining my position. It would probably require a lot more typing than I am capable of to relate how my outlook on this subject has been shaped. Suffice it to say, I have made a fairly unusual journey of this one.
Melodramatic? Probably, but I can guarantee that you have probably not met many people who have gone down the particular path I have. Trust me, I'm weird! There's no getting around it. lol Not only that, I'm tired. As you said, sometimes these things come together in bizarre and unforeseen ways, but there is also a possibility that they do not come together at all. Honestly, I would prefer the latter, if the former means settling, you know what I mean?