Thursday, January 18, 2007
Artificial sphincters as social commentary
I am a long-time Loveline listener, though I rarely catch the show these days. It just so happens that I had the radio on the other night when Dr. Drew mentioned something I was not aware existed, the artificial sphincter. Apparently, and this is strictly based on my memory of what Dr. Drew mentioned near the show's conclusion, 25,000 artificial sphincters were surgically installed in American anuses last year. That number seems absurd to me, but that's what I remember hearing. So where's the social commentary come in?
Well, Dr. Drew was pondering the possibility that a significant number of young ladies, and gay males, may end up in need of their own artificial, anal-dam device. The wear and tear of having a penis rammed up one's manure main street has been known to do enough muscle damage to cause what is affectionately known as fecal incontinence. Which is to say, there is scientific evidence that being anally invaded on a regular basis can lead to the development of a condition which sees the unfortunate sufferer rendered incapable of restraining life's most unpleasant, organic byproduct. For a little anal love today, shyte your pants uncontrollably tomorrow.
This is almost too good to be true! lol Now don't get me wrong, I fully empathize with those who develop fecal incontinence as a result of some physical abnormality, accidental (non-sexual) sphincter injury, or just plain bad luck, but the thought of Jenna Jameson being unable to hold back a deuce because she was busy getting steamrolled in the anal canal for most of her 20s is laugh out loud stuff! It doesn't get much more lowbrow, I'll admit, but how do you not laugh at a supposed sex symbol shitting her pants? For my money, that's good funny.
The irony here is that, for most guys I've known, giving a girl an anal exam with their penis had a lot less to do with exploring sexuality and lot more to do with making a power statement. News bulletin ladies, most guys laugh to their buddies when they talk about venturing in the out door. Chances are, if your man is entering no man's land, it's probably because his ego needs some affirmation, while yours takes a hit or two. Of course this is all just my opinion...maybe it really is a lovely loving thing.
The few girls I know who admit to having done the doodoo dance have universally stated that it hurts, at least the first time, and I can't think of a more unpleasant place to put one's penis than someone's colon, so it's definitely not the sexiest act either party could be engaging in. Even if you disregard all of that, the fact remains that the poop shoot is overrun by bacteria, the mechanics of the entire area are designed specifically for elimination, not intrusion, and generally speaking, the anus is a fairly unpleasant area to visit. Of course, that doesn't stop some people from stuffing penii, bottles, light bulbs, etc up there, though their motivations will forever mystify me.
To each their own, I suppose. But take a moment to imagine a world of anal aficionados walking the streets with inflatable, artificial sphincters restraining their fecal flow and ask yourself, is this the sexiest, most physically enlightened age ever, or what? :)
Labels: commentary, loveline, sphincter
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Your blog is hilarious! Kind of reminds me of hearing about the new "porn star" thing to do... anal bleaching. Answers.com explains that "Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the darker pigmentation of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes." That sounds like such a healthy idea! Who wouldn't want to put Clorox in their ass?
I can't imagine anything going wrong. In fact, I am going to start shoving foreign objects in there today. I'll be getting bleached ASAP!