Friday, February 23, 2007
It's official - I'm emo
I'm not sure how it happened, or when things started spiraling downward, but I found myself feeling totally defeated the other day. It started with work. My workload increased exponentially after we lost two of our most experienced people. We had another one take a 4-6 week leave because of foot surgery, so we were down to one of our newer additions, the new girl, and myself. Needless to say, things have been shitty and I am beginning to show signs of burnout. On top of everything else, the new girl has become something of a conundrum for me. She has been in a long-term relationship with an older guy who seems to be nothing short of a dickless jackass. The more I learn about the guy, the more I question his sexuality, but that's all fine and good. They were in a relationship, it's their business, and I keep my nose out of such things, unless asked for my opinion. The trouble started about a month ago. Apparently, the relationship has been going sour, even though they had recently gotten engaged. Long story short, new girl starts flirting, I fail to recognize it at first, start to wake up to what's going on, and subsequently get sucked in.
Before you jump to any conclusions, understand that I have not so much as hugged this girl. No inappropriate contact, no passionate rendezvous in a conference room, not anything even remotely in that ballpark. We did grab some drinks after a particularly awful day at work last week, but all we did was talk. I am fairly certain that I am in the friend zone and that's probably best. The bottom line is, anyone in a relationship is off limits, period. I have enough self discipline to leave it alone, even if it seems like there is something worth exploring there. It's difficult, and it's definitely something I didn't need right now, but there is no such thing as a "good time" for this sort of stuff to happen. The bigger issue is this: I am attracted to the girl, but recognize that there is some manipulatin going on. Here's where the emo really starts kicking in...
This girl and I are probably not going to happen for several reasons. First and foremost amongst them being the fact that she is still with this guy. They have apparently decided to sell the house they bought together, and one would assume that means she is parting ways with him, but experience tells me that assuming anything in such situations is a dangerous mistake to make. Even if she does leave, she is going to need some time alone to decompress, figure herself out, etc. And I'm not sure she really wants to leave him. My feeling is that she keeps hoping he'll come around and change. She strikes me as someone who is willing to wait and wait and wait, even if such a change is nearly unheard of in human beings. Maybe he will make that abrupt U-turn, but in my experience, such a change in direction is incredibly rare. Regardless, she reignited a yearning in me that I had more or less put away after the Motorcycle Girl episode last year. Now my mind is stuck in a loop of pathetic self-pity and lamentatin which has to stop.
I keep thinking about love and how much I would like to have experienced it at least once by now. With everthing going to shit at the office and my stress level going through the roof, I keep thinking about how nice it would have been to have had someone to lean on during times like these. My friends have always been around, but I rarely put anything like this on them, because I've always felt that it was my burden to carry. And I still feel that way, but a part of me wishes that things didn't HAVE to end up like this all of the time. Just because we can handle something on our own, does not mean we want to handle it alone every time, but that is some peoples' fate. At times it has been by choice, sometimes it has been the result of bad luck, and still other times it has been the result of some girl's decision. I guess I'm jealous, in a way, of the selfish, dysfunctional, and dishonest people who get to reap the benefits of that support system. It has to beat starving.
And it goes on and on like that, endlessly and without respite. I suppose it's pathetic, but I also know that it is something every healthy human being with a soul experiences at one point or another. Like everything else, this is temporary. Eventually I'll get my head right, get back on track, and work my through, but the transitions are always such a pain in the ass.
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but what you're aching for is not a healthy support system. if you wanted a healthy support system, you could get it in friends and family. i mean that. look to the people in your life already, who care about you, to talk you through the hard times. that's what they're there for. if you're finding it difficult to carry your load, they are who can help.
relationships aren't about that. no girl is going to be the solution to your problems, and you can't allow yourself to think "if only i were in love, everything would be okay." making your life okay has to come first. you can try to do it the other way, and i'll be honest. it'll feel amazing. like a drug, right? when you're in that high, there's nothing better, right? but then you come down. you always come down. the feeling is temporary - a fleeting, indulgent denial of reality. and it's easy to become dependant on another person in just the same way as it's easy to become dependant on that drug. but it's also a hellish mistake in just exactly the same way. i promise.
I know what you're saying and your logic is spot on. I don't even disagree with you, for the most part, but don't think I'm looking for codependency. You know me better than that. :) I'm not talking about a girl to help me solve my problems, I'm talking about a healthy relationship that makes solving my own problems easier. I have a few close friends I can and do turn to, make no mistake about it, but it is simply not the same as talking to someone you are intimately connected to.
Here's the deal, I have been alone. I have done, and done, and done the go-it-alone thing and I benefited immensely, but I'm also a little tired of the alone thing. I've been there, I've done that, shit, I've practically written a book's worth of material about it in blog posts here and elsewhere! lol
I'm not saying I'd take anything, I'm not suggesting that I would settle, what I am saying is that there are times when it would be nice to lean a bit, rather than always being leaned on. Shit, is it a bad thing to want to find someone and fall in love? In my limited experience, anything resembling love really only fucks things up, but my version of love=happy, healthy, supportive, etc. That's what I'm talking about when I talk about. You have known/known of me for years, you know how I carry myself! I'm sure as hell not looking for someone to prop me up, but having someone in my life that I care about and who I can trust...you're damn right I'd like to have that. I really don't think there is any shame in that. In fact, I think it is natural and healthy. What isn't healthy is turning something that isn't love into love, just for sake of saying you're in it. That I do NOT want to do and in that regard, I agree with you, fo sho!
sure, i have known you for years, and i have respected you, very much, all the while... because you've always been strong and independent-minded (among a plethora of other wonderful qualities). so i'm warning you about succumbing to viewing a girl as the thing that would, you know, make it all easier to handle, NOT because you're weak, or seeking out codependancy, or anything of the sort, since i consider you to be not a single one of those things, but because sometimes, no matter how concsciously we know we shouldn't, as you obviously do, sometimes, we still want things for the wrong reasons. we're human. it happens. yes, even to you. just... make sure that when it does happen, you're not so convinced you're above slipping into the trap that you... well... jump into the trap. does that make sense? probably not, lol. sorry.
put another way, i love that you want love. i just hate that not having it is becoming its own burden. i think you should fight that.
point-oh-two.
:)
And I'm telling you not to worry, that's not how I'm looking at it. It's not that not having love is its own burden, so much as ALL the time I've had to spend without it...we're talking about an entire fucking life here...30 years. That's some tiring shit right there, believe me! lol
I was fooled, or I fooled myself, once and it derailed my thinking for a while. I won't let that happen again. At the same time, I can't say that I enjoy being single nearly as much as I used to. Am I miserable because I am single? No, not at all. Being single is better than being in a dysfunctional or unhappy relationship, this I am absolutely certain of. I'm just tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. Luckily it's helping my art...I have a VERY black, cathartic piece in the works as I type this.