Saturday, February 03, 2007
Lonely in the in crowd
How do I know that I'm feeling lonely? I start thinking about things I shouldn't be. Example: There's a cute girl at the gym, we'll call her Gym Hotty 07. GH07 has been coming into the gym for about a month. She's probably 20 years old...maybe. Her complexion is of the "naturally tan" variety, hair is dark and straight, and she's petite, pouty, and altogether very attractive. To say that she reminds me of someone I once knew, right down to the way she carries herself, would be an understatement. On top of all that, she makes eye contact and holds it in the "I'll look away when you do" fashion that sends all kinds of mysterious messages.
Anyway, I know just about all of the late-afternoon, pre-dinner regulars. Working out 4-5 days a week at the same place for 5 or 6 years makes this inevitable, so a large group of us talk and joke around without any regard to our surroundings. While we're there, the free weight area is effectively ours, with a few strangers meandering around to serve as background for the show. As a result, our crowd is ever growing, because newbies on the fringes find themselves being sucked in by the endless banter, goofing around, and generally friendly vibe going on.
So it is that GH07 gets caught chuckling at one of our conversations, which serves as Big Joe's crack-in-the-door to begin the indoctrination process. We XY chromosome slaves had all taken note of said GH previously, so it was only a matter of time. As the only single male under the age of 40 who is in the "in crowd", I am the first to get the "you should hook up with that girl" nod. It comes with the territory and it is never ending, despite the fact that all of my beliefs run contrary to the idea.
What does all of this have to do with being lonely? Well, despite the bad feeling in my gut, the "something has to be up" demeanor, and knowing better, I find myself tempted to strike up a conversation and begin the dance. I haven't, and I won't, but a part of me would like to. It was much easier not to when I was a kerosene-fueled 20 year old. I believed it was an absolute certainty that I would eventually find someone to have a real relationship with, sooner or later. There was no question that I would meet someone, we'd hit it off and the rest would be making-love-all-the-time-in-the-sunshine history. Ten years on, and that old faith is gone. There are no guarantees in this life, and any hopes I may have had to enjoy a lasting, healthy relationship in my youth are irretrievably lost to time. For someone like me, that's distressing stuff.
So GH07 reminds me that I've been alone for a vast majority of my life, and that I am no longer as fond of being absolutely alone as I once was. She reminds me that my commitment to finding something real in this land of falsehoods is not, and will never be, easy. For all I know, she's engaged or married or otherwise involved, which I hope she is, otherwise I'm going to be nagged endlessly by the "Erik, look at that girl...what the fuck are you thinking???" crowd. It's a shitty thing and thinking about it puts me in a shitty mood.
If pumping my DNA into as many women as possible had been a life goal, things would have been so much easier. I guess that's life in our enlightened age. Where's Doc and his Delorean when I need him?
A thought occurred to me after having scribbled this down last night. It's a single sentence that more or less sums up the entirety of the human journey for me.
At some point in a worthwhile life, we realize it is better to find lasting love in one beautiful soul, than to find momentary bliss in a hundred beautiful bodies.
I should have that tattooed somewhere...
Read or Post a Comment
Some lonelyness never goes away, even when you have someone of the opposite sex that loves you. I still feel lonely all the time.
This is NOT helping! ;) I understand what you're saying, but I'd take a touch of that intangible energy that comes with connecting with someone over the lull I'm in lately.