Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Oh Yahweh, where for art thou?
This is a prayer to the Old Testament God. The God I prefer, honestly. I like the God of consequences, fire, and proactivity. If nothing else, at least that version of the great being was involved! Don't get me wrong, I dig what Jesus had to say, but his version of Jehovah is too passive and disconnected for my tastes. I like a god who gets his hands dirty, one that we know is watching, and most of all, one who seems to give a shit about this little ball of rock He installed life on. The New Testament's Supreme Being seems too much like a modern, average dad; too busy with distractions, so he misses what the kiddies have going on after school. Besides all of that, what good is being a god if you're not going to bring mass destruction once in a while? I think it's time he got back to cleaning house every couple centuries, so with that in mind I wrote him this letter.
Dear Lord,
You and I have had a fairly distant relationship, to say the least. I may have prayed to you in the past, but I lost any faith I may have had as I grew older and learned more about this world you allegedly created. Once I came to a better understanding of Humanity, I began to question the idea that any being with good intentions would let such animals run wild without any active supervision, hence the purpose of this letter. I would like to ask that you put down the remote, get off the golf course, or stop whatever it is you might be doing and check in on your Earth ant farm. Things have been a mess here for millennia now, and I think a vast majority of us would appreciate a little intervention. I'm not talking about cataclysm or Armageddon, but there are a few segments of the ever expanding population that probably need to be addressed post haste.
First and foremost, can't you do us all the favor of eliminating the world's malicious souls? Would it be so bad if the wicked spirits were just wiped from the face of the planet? My gut says no, and I'm inclined to listen to it. How many murderers, rapists, child molesters, drug dealers, and the like do we need, really? Once you've got that handled, maybe it's time to consider snuffing out a large number of your supposed faithful. I mean, how many times can you let your own believers piss in your face before you make a move to slap them back in line? Surely even you have your limits, as I can't believe you would want people like Ted Haggard and Pat Robertson representing you to the unwashed masses. You have to be downright pissed about guys like Creflo Dollar and the Farting Preacher (whose real name you already know, so I won't bother to look it up). Can you really blame people like me for taking several large steps away from that brand of faith? Something tells me you would probably empathize.
Next, let's start replacing modern politicians with people who actually want to make a difference and while we're at it, let's make them the sort of people whose integrity isn't for sale to the highest bidder. If you've got the time, how about removing the world's she and he-whores? While they may seem to be little more than a nuisance, they are contributing quite a bit of hardship onto society in the form of STDs, illegitimate children, and broken homes. How are we supposed to get things straightened out when people incapable of keeping their genitals in check are reproducing like rabbits? The foundation of a society is in its families, and over half of America's families are splitting up. If you didn't intend for us to be married and monogamous, at least have the balls to come out and tell us so! Perhaps you are, through your continued inaction. If so, what the fuck was the point of all this anyway?
The rest I leave to your discretion. Considering the fact that you provide people like George W Bush the power to wage war, and people like Anna Nicole Smith fame and fortune, I find it highly unlikely that you will do anything in response to this request, but it never hurts to ask. If you should end up getting back to work, and I should end up being one of the people you decide to erase - because of my lack of faith, or the few sins on my tally, or just because I pissed you off - I want you to know that I will accept my fate with dignity. After all, it would be a relief to know you're back on the case, and your presence would be all the evidence I need of an after life, so that little question would be answered definitively. In The End, what's left to worry about anyway?
Thanks for your time!
Your Pal,
Erik
P.S. Is Anna Nicole with you? Apparently there are a lot of people here who would like to know.
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Well, you may be going to Hell now (or possibly reincarnated as an untouchable), but I guess I will too since I found this letter to be hilarious and fantastic. However, I would think the Supreme Being would appreciate poignancy and wit.
Seriously, I hope something is out there listening. It's bad enough that we're forced to endure the monotony of the human species - breed, consume, breed, consume, die, repeat - but to be stuck with that monotony AND to be totally on our own without any hope for a rescue or reprieve, is totally not-fucking-fair man, not-fucking-fair!! lol