Monday, March 05, 2007
I have to admit
I miss sex in a bad way. It's been a while since I had any, and even longer since I had any that was healthy and happy, which is really what I'm after. For a while, I was intentionally abstaining, primarily because last year had been such a bad one for me, I was not in the mood to think about it. As time has gone by, my head has come back around to the fact that I really miss everything involved with intimacy. I miss all the subtle levels of contact that make the physical experience such a fantastic compliment to the emotional and cerebral ones.
Sex is natural and pleasurable and spiritual for me. I like it, a lot. There really isn't anything about sex with someone I care for that doesn't please me on every level, right down to my soul. It's not the purpose of life and it isn't love, but it is, or at least can be, a beautiful part of both.
So what's the problem? After all, we live in a place where getting laid is easier than finding a real relationship. People throw sex away like it's a disposable cell phone. That IS the whole point of modern "enlightenment", to make sex the equivalent of a particularly enjoyable hobby. Love is for old people and fools. Maybe the marketing agencies and the elite sheeple are right.
Then I start asking myself questions like, "Do I really want to look back on my life and see a couple dozen(or more) meaningless faces, all of whom knew me in the most intimate way possible for one night or a few fuckbuddy hookups?" Fuck no, because nothing empties someone out more than turning the most intimate and physically pleasurable experience two people can share into something mundane or meaningless.
The point is, I have a dilemma. I am the type of guy who does not want to have sex outside of a relationship with someone I care deeply about, but I am tired of waiting. I've spent most of my life patiently waiting, staying disciplined and dedicated. I never once asked to get laid. But I've found that Fate is a fickle bitch with a bad sense of humor. I see Fate as the metaphysical equivalent of Ann Coulter, right down to the boney legs, knobby knees, and lifeless eyes. Fate makes a game of us, and all we can do is fight back with everything we have, which I do constantly, but we do so knowing that the struggle is ultimately one of princicples, and thereby utterly futile.
In a world where lying fucktards, sociopathic shitbricks, and even spineless cowards get laid regularly, I willfully refrain, continually hoping for a nod from the karmic regulatory agency for the effort. And I wait...and wait...and wait. Meanwhile, my fellow males pursue, coax, and conquer random ass on a nightly basis, some of them corraling multiple asses in a single night out. These men are hardly men at all by my estimation, but then that all depends on one's perspective. I have always been fine with lagging behind them in quantity, since it was inevitable, given my mindset and direction. Sleeping with a hundred whores does not make you a hero in my eyes. Anyone can sleep with a slut, there's really nothing to be proud of in it.
Being proud of sleeping with an easy woman is like being proud of peeing in a toilet bowl. Congratulations asshole, you've managed to do what countless others have done before you! Here's your ticket to Disney World and directions to the nearest STD clinic!
The problem is, every hetero guy I know is subject to the drive. Really, any human with a healthy outlook will be subject to their biological drives on some level. We are animals, social animals, and we will crave contact. There is nothing we can do about this. The root of my frustration is really in having to check that drive all the time, while so many people in this fucked up world are screwing like dogs amidst the dumpsters in Ybor's alleyways.
In a world where cheap and easy is the road to Valhalla, I really do enjoy sophisticated and complex, but the clock is ticking, I'm weary from fasting, and this place is not getting any less demoralizing. At the pace I have set in this life to date, I will be near retirement and completely dependent on Viagra the next time I get a shot at experiencing intimacy with someone I'm emotionally connected with. How the fuck does that happen?!?!
I keep asking myself, "What should you be doing?" The only answer I can come up with is "being yourself", and I hit one of those nasty, moral/spiritual road blocks. Being me in this world means going without, walking alone, and doing what I can to stay out of the herd. Why the fuck does getting laid have to be so goddamned easy, while finding a real, healthy relationship is so fucking hard?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY!!
Shouldn't we all be asking?
And there you have it, a taste of what is circling in my brain constantly of late. Fun, right? lol I've said it before and I will say it again, manwhores are the smarter, wiser, better men...they are the enlightened ones. They will bang a hundred women and be forgiven for it, if they play their cards right. Having your cake and eating it too...isn't that the dream?
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Wow, my life exactly. I think the only thing you can do is, like you said, keep being yourself. Seems to be women call all the shots any way. I can't think of a deep relationship where I was the instigator.
I have to keep thinking that we ultimately experience the world alone anyway. I mean, you can be in a relationship and feel lonelier than out of one.
You have a good head on your shoulders. I know it's hard. I have some very good female friends, that I've purposely kept as friends, and avoided those impulses to turn it into sex (which usually puts an end to the friendship). I'm not as frustrated when I have a good group of friends, both male and female, to balance things out.
Don't know what all that is worth, but I'm with ya.
In some ways women do have the power, but finding a woman you connect with who doesn't abuse that power is the ultimate goal, right? Who knows. I'm not sure where I stand on facing life and death alone. Ultimately, we are encapsulated within our own bodies, but again, sex is a means of transcending the jail sentence, or at least it can be.
Keep fighting the good fight and thanks for stopping by. We're not dead yet, and that bitch Coulter has to get distracted eventually...
"You need a prostitute."-- Old man at bar from The Wedding Singer. Kidding, that would be gross.
Speaking of Ann Coulter (and subtly changing the subject), I used her as an example of why you need to cite sources accurately during an MLA/APA presentation tonight. See kiddies, not only will incorrect citations and plagiarism get you F's and kicked out of school, but they can also turn you into a "right-wing bitch" (see reference http://bootnewt.hostingzero.com/rightwingbitch.htm) and get you humiliated by many!
"Prostitutes...isn't it all prostitution, when you get right down to it?" - Old Man saying from real life melodrama
Ann Coulter is incredibly intelligent, but that intelligence harbors a ridiculous amount of arrogance, and a highly overrated wit. She's physically repulsive to me, but beyond that, she is just a repulsive person. She is the skeletal, right-wing equivalent of Michael Moore. I find them both painfully boring.
There's nothing better to get my mind off of sex than picturing Ann Coulter spread eagle and asking for it. I suppose I will have to carry that image around with me for a while, though I'm afraid it might stain what's left of my sex drive forever...