Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I think something just snapped into place for me
I guess you could say I've been walking around with a psychological limp for a while. Given my abnormally light history, last year was a difficult one for me. For the first time I became deeply enamored with a girl and things went on a whole other level for me emotionally. The girl wasn't in the same place, and things unraveled in a hurry. When the dust settled, I was left wondering what had happened and sort of floated for a while. She moved on to another guy, and the rest of the story has been chronicled here ad nauseum.
The whole experience left me feeling like I had been beaten up. I realize that I'm a guy and that my supposed role in this world is to fuck, fuck some more, and keep fucking until some girl wraps my heart in her bosom and shows me the error of my ways, or I knock someone up. But that's not how the story has gone and while I've been lamenting the end of my 20s, I've lost sight of the fact that I am still something of a rarity in this world. I forgot to let myself be proud of actually caring for the ex last year, despite what she may or may not have felt for me. Does caring make me a sucker? That probably depends on who you ask, or what kind of mood I am in, were you to ask me. I can't say I'm ashamed of how I handled the situation, the episode in August not withstanding. The girl in question probably won't ever understand, or even care, how I felt about her, but I'm not sure I have a big problem with that. For the most part, I did the right things, even as the relationship was rapidly unraveling. I did what I had to do, even if a part of me wanted to do something else. That's not something every person does.
I didn't let my fear of being alone again stop me from making a very difficult decision. For months I struggled to get myself back on track, then took a huge stumble, which meant that I had to start over again from the beginning. But I pushed through, eventually finding a way to put some of that mournful energy to good use in returning to school. It hasn't all been fun, but then life rarely is. Six months later, and I find myself in a crisis-of-yearning, but I think that fever may have broken as well, or at least I may have regained some perspective.
Life alone cannot match what it feels like to care about someone in an intimate relationship, there's no denying that, but we cannot let the yearning overcome our senses and lead us into a poorly thought out series of actions. Where the yearning makes our hearts ache in an ebb and flow that is as mysterious as it is persistent, actions have a way of haunting our minds for months or even years. Yearning tugs at our thoughts and emotions, but it is temporary and manageable. Actions may only last minutes, but their residue can stay with us forever. All obvious stuff, but sometimes it helps to write things out. The pain of yearning is worth experiencing, as it reminds us that we are human and that we still believe in love. A couple of recent conversations have reminded me that believing in love is not a foolish thing, particularly in a world so short on it. Going without is hard on the mind, body, and soul, but this suffering should develop a higher appreciation for what love really is, and thereby heighten the experience of it, when we find it again.
And I will find it, for some reason I feel sure of it. I have not known it well and have only been able to enjoy it for an instant in this life, but so long as I am still breathing, there is a chance to be immersed in it again. Perhaps next time it won't be so fleeting. Hopefully it will be mutual. If nothing else, I hope it will be healthier and happier than anything I have known to date. I'm just relieved to have been reminded that there will be a next time...
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GOOD TO HEAR!