Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Sometimes I offend
I think that I may have offended a woman at the gym yesterday. Been a while since I have said something someone found so distasteful that they literally got up and exited the area, but I managed to bother this particular woman that much without even trying on Thursday. The conversation wasn't about anything unusual, the modern social order, declining morality, that sort of thing, but at some point things veered off into a raucous discussion of open relationships. Naturally, I was loving it, as any opportunity to rail against the absurdity of banging two or more people and calling it a relationship always makes for good comedy, or at least a good laugh.
So I'm relating a story about a girl who assists my hairsytlist Starr(yes, I have a hairstylist and her name is Starr...fuck your judgment), who makes sure that I have neatly trimmed hair and a nicely scrubbed scalp every 4 to 5 weeks. One of Starr's assistants, whose name I can't recall, looks like a stripper/porn star stereotype; pencil thin, deeply tanned, beach ball boobs, etc. She also exhibits a lot of eyebrow raising behaviors; friendly in that "too friendly" sort of way, flirtatious body language, telling me "you're funny" fifteen times in a ten minute conversation in which I wasn't being particularly funny, etc. Oh, and she had a wedding ring on, which is a sure sign of insanity. ;) Let me just say that I am not judging the girl, I'm sure she's a wonderful, golden-hearted lady. I'm just making some observations and relaying my first impressions of the female in question, so the preceding paragraph probably says more about me than her.
Be that as it may, Starr and I get to talking and I make a comment about how "friendly" her new assistant seems to be. Come to find out, rumor has it that the girl is a swinger. Obviously, my first thought was, "makes sense". Then I start theorizing what it must be like to be a guy who's into watching other guys pump bodily fluids into your wife and can't help but laugh. Seriously, you're a guy, you're humping away at some other guy's wife while "other guy" is mercilessly doing the old "in and out" with your wife at the same time, and all of this seems normal and healthy to you. How does that even happen? lol What switch gets turned on, or more accurately, which wire gets crossed, that makes a guy think, "Hey, you know what would be hot? Some guy shoving his love stick satchel-sack-deep into my wife's baby baker!" The whole concept is so ridiculous to me that I find it utterly and endlessly amusing.
I'm going to digress from my digression for a second at this point. Thinking or talking about swingers always reminds me of a scene from Raising Arizona. If you haven't seen it, you're less of a person, but the scene goes something like this:
GLEN: Hear about the person of the Polish persuasion he walks into a bar holdin' a pfle of shit in his hands, says "Look what I almost stepped in."
GLEN bursts out laughing; Hi walks on in silence.
HI: ... Yeah, that's funny all right ...
GLEN: Ya damn right it's funny! Shit man, what's the matter?
HI: I dunno ... maybe it's wife, kids, family life ... I mean are you, uh, satisfied Glen? Don't y'ever feel suffocated? Like, like there's somethin' big pressin' down ...
GLEN (solemnly): Eeeeeyep ... I do know the feelin'.
HI: I dunno-
GLEN: And I told Dottie to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen!
He roars with laughter and slaps Hi heartily on the back. As he chuckles sympathetically:
... No man, I know what you mean. You got all kinds a responsibilities now. You're married, ya got a kid, looks like your whole fife's set down and where's the excitement?
HI: Yeah Glen, I guess that's it.
GLEN: Okay! That's the disease, but there is a cure.
HI: Yeah?
GLEN: Sure; Doctor Glen is tellin' ya you can heal thyself.
HI: What do I gotta do?
GLEN: Well you just gotta broaden your mind a little bit. I mean say I asked you, what do you think about Dot?
HI (puzzled): Fine woman you got there.
GLEN: Okay. Now it might not look like it, but lemme tell you something: She's a helicat.
HI: That right?
GLEN: T-I-G-E-R.
HI: But what's that got to do with-
GLEN: Don't rush me!
GLEN lays a companionable hand on his shoulder.
...Now the thing about Dot is, she thinks-and she's told me this-
He looks around as if to make sure they are not being overheard.
... she thinks ... you're cute.
HI: ... Yeah. . . ?
GLEN: I'm crappin' you negative! And I could say the same about Ed!
HI: What're you talkin' about, Glen?
GLEN: What'm I talkin' about?! I'm talkin' about sex, boy! What the hell're you talkin' about?! You know, "L'amour"?! I'm talkin' me'n Dot are Swingers! As in "to Swing"! Wife-swappin'! What they call nowadays Open Marriage!
Beaming, he takes his hand off Hi's shoulder and spreads his arms.
GLEN: I'm talkin' about the Sex Revolution! I'm talkin' about-
Hi's fist swings into frame to connect solidly with GLEN'S jaw. GLEN'S feet leave the ground. He flies back and lands in a heap.
HI: Keep your goddamned hands off my wife!
GLEN: Shit man! ... I was only tryin' to help!
After seeing that movie, all swingers are GLEN and DOT to me. :) Anyway...
So I'm just starting to express my bemusement with the whole concept, using public-space safe language, mind you, and apparently this middle-aged woman had heard enough. Now keep in mind, I had only JUST gotten to the part about the girl possibly being a swinger, hadn't even had a chance to break down the psychology, or make any commentary on the matter whatsoever. In Offended Lady's defense, she probably sensed what was coming, but she could have at least let me get to the punchline! Instead, she says something inaudible, jumps up from the ab machine she had been using (at an incredibly pedestrian pace, I might add), and storms out in a huff. The remainder of the crowd seemed to be enjoying the monologue as much as I was, so I carried on and finished up...I'm a pro, I know. Naturally, my operating assumption is that Offended Lady is, or had been, either a stripper, or a swinger, or probably both. :)
Labels: swingers
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