Thursday, June 07, 2007

Ramblings of an old man

It is hard for me to fathom, but my 30th birthday is only days away now...16 days, to be exact. In a way it will be a relief to have it over and done with. I'm not planning any sort of celebration, and as far as I know, my friends and family are going to let the day pass without making a spectacle, which would be my preference. As far as I am concerned, it is just another day, so I'm quietly hoping everyone else will treat it that way. My plans are to keep it quiet and low key. A long, solo ride at a slow, leisurely pace is the most appealing idea bouncing around my cranium at this point. I'm thinking leave at around 8:00am, ride through a full tank of gas, and go nowhere doing it. Honoring the passage of one more year with a relaxed journey through time and space with no defined destination seems somehow appropriate, given the manner in which my life has unfolded to this point.

Of course, it's not all bad. In the past two weeks I have had two younger ladies guess that I am 24 or 25, and they did it without giving the impression that they were just being kind, so that was a bit of an ego bump. The funny thing is, I find myself relating less and less to the concept of age and associated social expectations. Honestly, I am not even certain what is expected of a 30 years old male in a place like this. There was a time when the expectation would have been marriage and children, an expanding mid-section, a station wagon, family trips, and so on. Honestly, there is a certain appeal to the idea, assuming that the family is a loving one and the mid-section expansion is reasonable. Obviously, that sort of life was not in the cards for me, which is fine, as there is a real risk of the Norman Rockwell ideal metamorphosing into something like a Hieronymus Bosch painting, should things go sour.

The problem with worrying about societal expectations and norms is that subscribing to those expectations instantly robs us of our ability to properly define ourselves. At nearly 30 years old, I am far behind the curve of society's expectations. Whether or not that is a problem is going to depend on your perspective. Where some people see a loser renting a room from his parents, others might see someone who is free from the labors of home ownership. One might see my car and motorcycle as monumental wastes of money, where others might see them as investments in life's enjoyment. My honest assessment is that all of the aforementioned opinions are valid and accurate, but none of them matter and therein came something of a personal breakthrough. I'm not sure when it happened, or how it came about, but at some point I came to understand that the opinions of others are wholy irrelevant. Similarly, I have come to understand how little value there is in my own opinion.

In this life, the only thing with any real value is action, because only action can exact any change and change is the driving force behind purposeful existence. So I haven't met any of society's benchmarks: no wife, no kids, no college degree(s), no house, etc. But what does all of that mean? Does any of it contribute to a real understanding of what it means to be alive? Again, it depends on one's perspective. Is this life about fulfilling expecatations? What are those expectations? How many of those expectations are learned or taught, and how many are integral to our existence? These are key questions, even if most people find them irrelevant. I don't expect I will ever meet anyone's expectations, but at nearly 30 years of age, I am old enough to realize that there is no point in caring.

Posted by Erik @ 6/07/2007 11:25:00 AM