Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sometimes sleep does not come easy

I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning on a Sunday in August, awake and restless, with my mind scrambling to address all of the things that, for whatever reason, can't seem to wait until tomorrow. Things like: Will I have the bike paid off in time to make a move to Savannah feasible? Was that a legitimate "strange sound", or ordinary house noise I just heard? What happened to social grace and decency? Can I manage to pay off the bike, save a little safety net money, and put a new motor/ECU combination in Scooby? If I never make love to another woman in my life, will I look back on past opportunities with regret? What will Savannah be like? Would cousin France be willing to put me up for a couple of weeks at her house in England, so that I might see London and Paris on the cheap? And on and on and on! There is no good reason to be awake at 2:30 AM and there is nothing productive in a mind running laps around itself. These are the sorts of nights/mornings that tempt me to take a Tylenol PM.

In my gut, I know that things will work out as they will, and that there is only so much I can do about any of it, so there is no point in questioning, but on nights like these, the mind simply refuses to respond. Maybe I am still neurotic on some level, and fatigue allows those old harbingers of insomnia and worry to rise up from the mysterious crevices they normally call home. Whatever it is, I am already finding that typing this out has helped. Some of this endless loop excites me, i.e. thoughts of Savannah, Europe, and the continual modifying of Scooby like Dr. Frankenstein. Others raise the heralds of worry about money, change, loneliness, and the like. As I fatigue, my ability to confidently shrug off such concerns wanes and my psyche puts itself on a treadmill, the end result being a lot of work for little or no gain.

For better or worse, I probably think about a wider variety of seemingly random things than most people would deem worthwhile. These sorts of nights are an unfortunate side effect of that cerebral activity, and they rarely ever lead to any definite resolution. My best thinking is done when I am full of energy and able to actively engage in a productive internal debate. For whatever reason, tonight is a night that everything had to be thought of at once in scatter shot fashion. Hopefully a hot shower and a little music will clear the congestion. Night!

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Posted by Erik @ 8/19/2007 02:26:00 AM