Friday, September 14, 2007
Celibacy ain't easy
Celibacy ain't easy. Voluntary or not, religiously motivated or forced by a lack of opportunity, celibacy can be incredibly difficult to deal with. At times, it is downright nightmarish, as you are forced to float on the ebb and flow of hormonal tides that at times make thinking about anything except sex incredibly difficult. As animals, we are not biochemically programmed for such willful acts of self-denial. By making the choice, or having the choice made for us, we are taking the body out of alignment with the mind. Some would argue that such imbalances are wholly unnecessary, even unhealthy, and would prescribe a regimen of casual sex without reservation. Their position makes sense on a basal, primitive level. In a time and place when there is plenty, it makes no sense to starve. I see things differently, and not just because of some higher moral standard I like to envision myself striving toward.
Succumbing to the physical drive is part of the "I want that, I'll take that" response we see everywhere in nature; animals, children, and plenty of poorly developed adults exhibit the behavior. Honestly, the argument that denying this drive is wholly unnatural makes a great deal of sense to me. It is unnatural to withhold physical pleasure from ourselves, particularly when denying the basal urge in the name of some form of higher understanding or awareness. This is what the body wants, why isn't it what the body should get? Much of our so-called culture has embraced this ideology, but there is a reason that most of our culture is not singing merrily in the streets, praising the bliss of primal existence. The human mind and the human spirit seek more than simple pleasures. Emotionless fucking is enough simply not enough to satiate the mind's hunger for love and the soul's desire for ascension.
Replace sex with any other form of pleasure stimulation and you get the same results. Intoxication, adrenaline highs, body modification, etc and so on, eventually they all fail to bring us lasting, pervasive happiness. Gratification of the body is incapable of sustaining a sense of contentment and well being, because the body is a physical mechanism built around stimulus and response. It is not sentient in and of itself. Our bodies are vehicles in which truly precious cargo is carried. Where the matter that makes up our physical selves is 'dumb' material, the mind is something much more wondrous and complex. The mind is electric and mysterious, in many ways it is a uniquely unfamiliar experience we have every day of our lives. Our mind serves as a literal gap between the formless energy of the spirit and the solid physicality of the body. Our minds are infinitely more powerful, and far less limited, than the case in which it resides. Where the body is subject to the rules of physics, the mind is capable of breaking nearly all bonds put upon it, yet it still is subject to a finite, physical existence. We can consciously imagine infinity, but our minds will not ever know it and this is where our spirits rise to create a balance. On one side, the body, with its temporary reality and all its weaknesses. On the other, our spirits, which are formless and indestructible. Where the body fails, the spirit accels. When the body ends, the spirit continues on unabated. One is nothing more than matter, while the other is boundless energy.
What does all of this have to do with celibacy? It's complicated, for me anyway. Let me make something clear, I most certainly do not, and never have, wanted to be celibate. Entering into that state of being is a byproduct of not being in a relationship, not an expression of religious devotion or moral purification. There is nothing wrong with sex, so long as it is an intimate, multi-faceted thing. I do not engage in casual sex because I do not believe it has any real value in my big picture idea of transcendence. Life is not cheap, my soul is not cheap, my ideals are not cheap, therefore sex is not cheap. I am incapable of separating the act from the feeling of caring deeply for someone, and I refuse to learn how one creates that separation. Putting the body before the mind and spirit is an error at any time in a life, but particularly when sharing your body with someone else.
Man is an intellectualized animal capable of understanding higher concepts like love, honor, respect, dignity, and self-discipline. Giving in to the yearning is akin to surrendering up any want of those ideals for something that may only last minutes. When the endorphin rush settles, and the sweat has dried, we are left alone with our self, as we were before, but diminished for having taken something potentially beautiful and cheapening it for a few moments of pleasure. Eventually, after enough psychological chipping away, all that's left is cheap solitude to comfort the mind and stir the spirit.
So I remain involuntarily, willfully celibate, with the understanding that most people would see such a thing as a foolish waste of time. In a Wal-Mart world, putting value on anything seems almost absurd, but I have always had a soft spoke for absurdity. Or maybe all of that is just an overstated way to explain away the why behind my not getting laid. I'll let you be the judge. :)
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