Monday, September 24, 2007
The endless conundrum
I try very hard to do the right thing. Yes, I am aware that the "right" thing is a subjective concept derived of the individual's personal understanding of what right really means. Yes, I know that always doing the right thing is nearly impossible, as we will all falter at one point or another. Failure is an inherent part of the human condition, after all. But generally, I feel that I succeed in living my version of right, though I am not always certain 'living right' necessarily makes me a more valuable, or more whole person.
Things get complicated when I start exploring the motivations behind my actions. Generally speaking, I do the right thing because I believe it to be the right thing and because I believe living right within is a necessary part of having real worth in the world without. On its face, that probably seems to be pretty clean and dry, but it's not. The problems start when I begin to explore the truths of those actions. Do I do the right thing because what's right is at the core of my conscious, or do I do the right thing simply because I recognize that doing the right thing is better than doing the wrong? What I mean by that is, does my desire for righteousness come from my head or my heart. My only honest answer is that I am not sure.
My mind is sure of what it perceives as living right, to the point that right has become a sort of destination which I am always arriving at, while simultaneously perpetually driving toward; it is definite and clear and I am faithful in where the road is headed. Experience tells me that there is no reason to worry or question, but it is my heart and its direction that raises concerns. My heart, and by heart I mean my ‘gut’ or dandien, recognizes what is essentially right and welcomes it unconditionally, but the welcoming is something of a remorseful, melancholy affair. The ideas I believe to be the core principles of righteousness are basic and ancient, and as such, they are diluted in an increasingly complex and modern world. The core principles still apply, and always will, but with more people on this Earth than ever before, the core principles are being interpreted on a mind-by-mind basis more often than they ever have. As a result, the core principles are under assault from more and more directions all the time.
So my heart is dogged by questions surrounding the value of ‘right acts’. By right acts, I mean things like volunteering, giving to charity, small acts of kindness, and that sort of thing. It seems silly to question the worth of such actions, but in a world where it seems so futile, I think questions are natural, if not certain. Worries that living right may be nothing more than polishing brass on the Titanic plague my heart’s commitment. I have little faith in my species, or at least very little faith that we will ever have a world which is harmonious and balanced. Is my heart in it? That is far less certain. If my heart isn’t in it, and I do not believe any difference will be made, is the act of right just that, an act? Am I pretending for my own self-satisfaction, and not because I genuinely care? These are all legitimate questions for which I do not have concrete answers.
In my experience, there is more ugliness and malignancy in our species, than beauty and kindness. Acts of genuine care and consideration are rare enough to be exceptions proving a rule, while only the most heinous acts of ugliness are singled out from a steady drone of black noise that seems to be forever with us. We save a few thousand lives, and thousands more die in a war. Millions die hideously in wars and genocides, while we save a few thousand refugees from ovens or machetes. We live in a country where food is so plentiful that obesity is a plague, yet some still suffer malnutrition, or even starvation. The duplicity of Man, and the selfishness that drives it, make our species’ general worth questionable. I can glance at a newspaper, or have a five minute conversation, and learn of ill being done in the world. Conversely, I have to go digging, searching, and sifting to find the good.
That reality weighs on my sub-conscious, as much as it constantly presses against my conscious processes as well. With so many people doing so many shitting things, and with some of those being so heinous, can we create acts of goodness that will match these acts of wickedness in scale and magnitude? How do you remove the stain of evil put upon our species by things like the holocaust, or the mass killings brought about by the use of nuclear weapons to close the last great war? How do you hold out hope for a species capable of such things?
And I know that I am not the first, and certainly won’t be the last, person to chase their tail with these questions. Unfortunately, understanding does not make the chase’s cessation any easier. There is goodness out there, of that I am certain, but its quantity and quality, and its subsequent power, are highly debatable. There is no giving up or giving in, but the only alternative is pushing forward in the knowledge that all your personal efforts may end up being for naught. We do get a bit of a reprieve in the form of hope, but then hope can be as much a source of stress as it can be a release.
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Well, now I know why you can't ever it get a good night sleep... you brain never takes a single second of the day off :) While I think we all have the same questions and thoughts you do to some extent, most of us take the time to relax and do something absolutely mindless. You on the other hand are always thinking (that's not a bad thing)
do you worry that your heart not being in it makes a good act less righteous? it seems to me there's an argument to be made that we are all animals, first and foremost, and as such, naturally maslowian - that we are hard-wired to seek to fulfill our needs for sustinance, security and sex, at any cost - and that our brains are the only things capable of resisting such impulses. when you do right, therefore, your act is all the more laudable because it was a conscious choice. as far as actions having little net effect, i see how one could get discouraged. but acting out of principle even when the outcome is not what you'd prefer affirms a spirit of integrity. have you seen the movie "blood diamond"? in it, one of our co-protagonists says something to the effect of "this whole country is at war. why should i help just one person?" and then she pauses. "i can't believe i just said that." i can't speak for you, but i believe that every life has value in and of itself.
L - I think all the time, I can't seem to turn it off. There are times I wish I could, just as there are times I wish I had thoughts some things through more thoroughly. Contemplating all of this stuff is how I relax. I need therapy... :)
S - Every life has an intrinsic value, but some waste it, some forfeit it, and some never seem to realize it. Others try to compound and expand it. I see your point and there is certainly truth in it, but there also seems to be something missing, you know? Given what we are capable of, and given where our species prefers to be, isn't it a little early to expect widespread goodness? I think we are several evolutionary mutations away, intellectually. We are still too close to primates, so efforts in that direction, while necessary and honorable, are ultimately pissing in the proverbial wind. That kind of thinking is what most 'concerned' souls battle against, it seems to me.
do you need widespread goodness? your choosing to do what's right shines even brighter when not that many other people bother.
"Need" might be a bit extreme, but I sure do desire it in a huge way. I'm no saint, so what I do really isn't anything special to begin with. What really bothers me is that so few people seem to be interested in doing their own small part. It's the massive amounts of apathy that allow the ill-willed minority its controlling powers that really drive me insane. I don't have to stand out…my extreme opinionation and social retardation ensure that I'll always be outside the norms. Honestly, I'm not asking for utopia, I just want to know what it's like to live in a decent place and time.
all i'm saying is that their refusal to their small part should have absolutely no influence over whether or not you keep doing yours. the good you accomplish, however minute it might be on its own, is in no way diminished by its rarity.
Gotcha. At the very least, we have to chip away where we can. Hopefully it will pay dividends in the long run. I've just been in an off mood of late. Must be all the rain we've been getting. :)