Saturday, October 13, 2007

WTF is going on

You ever find yourself in a situation where you can't seem to make sense of what's going on around you? I'm discovering that I may be living one of those situations and I am in no way sure of what to do about it.

There are times in our lives when the things we know, or the people we know, become the things we thought we knew, or the people we thought we knew. There are times when the mysteries behind other peoples' eyes become the mysteries occupying our minds. I think I am living some of those times, and I am in no way sure of what to do about it.

Knowing that these mysteries cause me distress, I try to share my mysteries as much as possible, though I still fail from time to time. In reality, these so-called mysteries are little more than truths others would not have us know. In the interest of letting someone know everything that I can think of, I share here, I share with the people I talk to, almost anyone who feels compelled to listen. I am not overly concerned that I Know them, so much as I am compelled to let them Know me. I suppose my hope is that I might somehow escape being ensnared by my own mysteries. In some way, putting my thoughts on display for anyone to see frees me from having to maintain the effort it takes to conceal our mysteries.

I am plain. I am boring. I am obvious. I am utterly predictable. In a world full of people huddling in the shadows of their mysteries, I feel these arguably negative personality attributes to be a form of salvation, a sort of freedom from my internal confinements.

I have given up on ever understanding people. There may come a time when I completely understand myself, but I know now that there will not ever be a time when I understand others completely. I am also acutely aware that in all probability, I will not ever meet anyone who understands me. Obviously, I am not alone, unique, or original in this feeling, but I am as sincere as anyone (and everyone?). Understanding people seems so impossibly massive a task that I do not believe myself intelligent enough to have any hope of finding my way toward even a basic level of comprehension.

And I'm tired. I am so tired. I lose sleep for lack of understanding. I lose time for lack of understanding. At times, I lose patience while searching for understanding, but all the while, I am tired. All the while, a part of me becomes more and more convinced that all these illusions, all these imagined fears and troubles we saturate ourselves with, are a side effect of some base cowardice we all share as living things. It seems that our burden to bear is our own filtration systems, and it is a heavy one.

We actively filter inputs and proactively filter outputs, so as to gain a false concept of control, when in reality the only means of control we have is through honesty. Everything outside of honest is a free radical that might one day turn cancerous and grow beyond our control. So it is that I find myself questioning what is cancer and what is honesty, and I am in no way sure of what to do about it.

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Now playing: Radiohead - Reckoner
via FoxyTunes

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Posted by Erik @ 10/13/2007 12:26:00 AM