Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Horse cart

Sitting here at my desk, getting caught up on back logged work, I have not ever been so certain of my desire to leave. I need to find a place where I am surrounded by healthy, happy people in a healthy and happy situation. Sadly, regrettably, this ain't it…not by a long shot. I want to be part of something good. I want to work and interact with people who feel the same way. I want to find people who are motivated to build something more than a 'career', whatever that is. I want to find those quaint places and smiling faces I see in Norman Rockwell paintings.

Our surroundings have an incredibly powerful effect on how we feel, which has an undeniable effect on how we think and behave. While I was in Kentucky, this place was the furthest thing from my mind and I felt good. I slept better, I ate better, my thoughts were clearer, it was easier to focus. Surrounded by family, seeing the limitless possibilities embodied in The Twins, laughing, and generally having a good time, I did not feel a hint of the looming darkness that seems to pervade this place. The tension that turns the muscles in my neck to steel chords and drains my energy like some invisible parasite was conspicuous only in its total absence. I was free to relax and enjoy the passing time, which was such a welcome change. I want nothing more than to enjoy my time.

This environment is an hourglass imprisoning my time and with it my aspirations for harmony and tranquility. There was a time when I did not feel this way, but it is apparent that there is no getting back to that place from here. Things have changed so drastically that any hope of returning to a feeling of goodness and positivity in this environment is almost impossible. We are too far gone and my dreams have wandered so far away from the basic premises here that there is no sense in trying to realign where I hope to be with where I am. I feel as if I am surrounded by depression and discouragement while at the office. The whole situation feels unhealthy and dark.

My options are plainly obvious, leave and work elsewhere, or stay and find a way to cope until graduation. I will end up staying, since learning a new job and figuring out the financials are complications I do not need right now, particularly with my Senior year starting in the Spring. It will be a long 18 months (graduating in the Fall of '08 means 'CLEPing' 2 classes, which I do not feel comfortable doing). I haven't confirmed that SCAD accepts Masters students during their Fall term, but I'm hoping that they do. I'll be 32 when I start my Masters work, which keeps me on my current 'ten years late' scholastic schedule, but better 32 than 42.

I have more or less given up on finding anything resembling serenity here, so I will continue to focus on school and my artistic aspirations. Nothing else seems to provide much satisfaction. Graduation feels like a carrot in front of my horse right now, but if chasing that carrot gets me closer to something better, I'll be that horse pulling the proverbial cart.

And as I walk on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony

Peace Love and Understanding - Brinsley Schwarz

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Posted by Erik @ 11/28/2007 10:30:00 AM