Friday, November 09, 2007
The wisdom of old men
What do you say when a 70-something years old man, we will call him Sayid, because that's his name, tells you that you are going to regret the way you live your life? More importantly, what do you do when you know he's right? Sayid told me in no uncertain terms that I would regret not having had more fun with girls in my youth, because eventually there won't be any more opportunities for fun. I understand that he is right, regretting some of this is inevitable, but I struggle with what to do about it. There's no point in pontificating about vision, hopes, aspirations, and the like, especially when everyone knows that the odds of building long-term contentedness are so slim. The deck is stacked against us, particularly in such a cheap and superficial culture. We are young and virile for only so long, and youth spent is lost forever, but this pesky vision, these wretched hopes, and terrible aspirations conspire to complicate things at every turn.
Out of necessity, the vision becomes a sort of surrogate lover, hopes metamorphose into a cerebral affair with optimism, and aspirations serve as fantasies of loves yet to come. I find myself daydreaming of simple times in a better place, surrounded by healthy, loving people. I hope for harmony and that these 30+ years spent climbing uphill will not have been for nothing. That is the most pervasive concern I harbor. In a place full of people who do not value values, trying to do something different where sex and relationships is concerned makes you more of a novelty item or pariah than a person of interest. You end up trapped between a desire to live your life in a certain fashion and the reality that most people do not share your desires. As time goes by, your options are reduced, and you become progressively more alienated.
Would Sayid understand any of that? Maybe, as a 70-something years old man, but his advice would be the same: go "enjoy" as many women as I can. He wouldn't understand that I am trying to take a different trip through this life, just as I can't understand what he must be experiencing as he nears the end of his years. My options are already drastically reduced relative to what they were at 20. By the time I am 40, they will be even fewer, by 50 incredibly scarce, and by 60 almost certainly nonexistent. So I can either hedge my bets and hope that I cross paths with someone I connect with before my time runs out, or I take opportunities as they come, out of fear that they one day won't be there. What to do with that knowledge is a difficult thing.
It is hard to accept that I have painted myself into a corner, but in effect, that is exactly what I have done. I have little or nothing in common with most women, so I begin to wonder, do I start letting up a bit in the name of "fun", or do I hold fast and keep hoping for a miracle? On top of everything else, my experience with women has largely been anything but "fun", so selling out and abandoning the high road provides no guarantees that things will get better. Chances are high that they would only become more complicated and discouraging. Guys like Sayid are probably right, but are they righteous? Am I? In a world without gods, does it matter? I don't know, but something has to change.
Labels: life
Read or Post a Comment
you could hold fast to your principles now, and still not relinquish the ability to loosen up (if you decided that's what you really wanted) later on. but if you gave in now to the urge to say "fuck it," you'd be giving up your respectable past for good.
at least that's my position.
Trust me, I'm not going to flip entirely...it's too late for that. I'm committed to this thing. I have not better way of living in mind and I am happy with my past, but something has to change. Ten years from now, if nothing on that side has changed, will I look back and be satisfied? I doubt it. Remaining on the high ground isn't optional, I have to, as it's the only way I can live with myself. The struggle is in staying there, and not growing old alone. I see liars, cheaters, degenerates, fools, cowards, etc experiencing, or at lest being given the opportunity to experience, something that I have not experienced. That's frustrating, no doubt about it.
i've experienced it. at the time i was a high school student at the top of my class, a varsity soccer player, and a devout catholic. i had never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never even kissed a guy, and certainly never slept with one. and i fell in love with a womanizing high school dropout with no interest in sports and a disdain for all religion. it was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. he's still one of my favorite people in the universe. sometimes, i think, happiness is a matter of looking outside the box.
Maybe, though my experiences have shown that relationships between people with fundamentally different values are impossible to maintain. Opposites attract powerfully, but they eventually collide and often repel one another just as powerfully. In the process it is inevitable that you gain some knowledge, but the lesson does not come without a cost. Such lessons become tiresome at my age. Life should be about fundamentally positive things: trust, honesty, progress, etc. If I am not surrounding myself with people who share those kinds of beliefs, what's the benefit?