Friday, December 14, 2007
Remember when...
I remember being 6 or 7 years old and looking out my bedroom window up into the midnight sky. My brother and I were watching for a sign. It was Christmas Eve and we were unable to sleep, so we watched out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rudolph's red nose. We were so sure that Santa's arrival was imminent, and at the same time worried he might skip our house, were he top discover we were still awake. It is hard not to smile when I think back on nights like those.
If I try hard enough, I can remember how I felt at the time and reattach, at least in some tiny, indirect, nostalgia-laden way, with who I was then. More innocent, more comfortably naïve, certainly less encumbered by the cerebral burdens I have since taken on. Like most children at that age, I was content in my ignorance, because I did not know what I did not know and in so many ways this made me free.
I remember the annual Charlie Brown Christmas Special telecasts and find myself taken back to a time when it was fun to believe. At that age, almost all of us have enough innocence in our hearts to openly and freely Believe. I had not yet discovered that elves, reindeer, and a flying old man had nothing to do with the toys I would scramble to admire at 4:00 in the morning on Christmas Day. Life had not yet revealed how absent Christ is in this allegedly Christian holiday. I was years away from becoming a hopeless skeptic and nearly full-time pessimist. Christmas was still simple and The Peanuts were still relevant to my state of being, rather than a catalyst for reminiscing.
The power of music to conjure such ancient memories is a beautiful and essential thing. Christmas has become almost completely insignificant for me after all these years. With so much distance between my sense of spirituality and the Christian ceremonies that revolve around the holiday, there is no longer any integral attachment. I enjoy giving gifts, but do so for reasons that have nothing to do with the holiday. An attractive, 21 years old woman (who just so happens to think that I am a negative person - see previous post) asked me if I celebrate Christmas. Another gym patron and I were having an impromptu, philosophical debate and the subject came up. My answer was that I participate, but do not celebrate.
These things I think I know may make me wiser, but they certainly do not make me lighter. With some effort I try to stay in touch with that younger incarnation of myself. I think we all do, to some degree. There are still toys and sleepless nights, but the toys cost significantly more and the nights are often filled with questions that will not be answered by neatly wrapped presents under a shimmering Christmas tree.
Updated with a pic. :)
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Now playing: Vince Guaraldi - Christmas Time is Here[Instrumental Version]
via FoxyTunes
Labels: life
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All I can say is having children of our own for the 1st time on Christmas is even more magical than it was when we were kids. Even though they won't remember this Christmas, the girls are having a blast in this moment.
Evelyn can say Santa now and Ava trys real hard, but it doesn't quite sound like Santa =) If you ask them to, they can both point out the reindeer, Christmas tree, Santa, etc. in their books, they LOVE their Christmas books. We've made Christmas cookies together, and we're just starting all of our own family traditions... it's the most amazing thing!!!
Scott and I both feel like little kids who believe again!
Very cool! I would imagine having the little ones around gives the holiday an entirely different feel. Wish you guys were here!