Monday, December 10, 2007
Wherefore art thou Optimism?
It is when we are in danger of giving in to hopelessness and cynicism that we are most free to rediscover possibilities. We are less constrained by what we believe we might lose, while being more focused on those things that carry real meaning. When the struggle to find external sources of hope becomes difficult, or even impossible, we must look within, and find a way to be our own engines of strength. We must find coping mechanisms, otherwise we risk being swept away. It is so easy to stand at the brink of giving up on humanity, and it seems more difficult to step away from that ledge all the time.
Whether we realize it or not, we all yearn to find a situation where we feel a sense of belonging. When we are not in that space, it is inevitable that our internal drive for contentment will begin generating subliminal pressures, which begin manifesting in the form of stress and malaise. Regardless of what our useless minds are telling us, our guts will make it known when things are right or wrong. Right now, things are obviously not right for me here. Sleep and I have not ever had a good relationship, but we are hardly speaking these days. Late to bed, early to rise gives a burned out drone red-ringed eyes. The idea of making a fresh start elsewhere is increasingly compelling to me.
So the rumors I have been hearing that another round of layoffs (this time referred to as 'outsourcing') might be on the way haven't distressed me much at all. In fact, the idea of voluntarily being laid off has become more interesting all the time. I spend nearly 8 hours in this office, and during those 8 hours I am filled with a desire to be somewhere else. There is so little reason for hope here that the situation has become pervasively miserable. My gut is generating so much pressure to leave that I am literally knotted up with tension. This place is a miserable world to be in right now.
Outside of work, school sits as a reservoir of hope, but I have very little affection left for my surroundings. Aside from family and a very few friends, there is not much keeping me here. There simply is not enough of what I am looking for to be had here. I want to be surrounded by people who inspire me to hope and dream, not to despair and surrender. So few people I know seem to have any strength or vision, I can hardly relate with their motivations. I feel as if my optimism is constantly under attack by a massive propaganda campaign that would have me believe life is about unfulfilling jobs, dysfunctional relationships, unmitigated self-interest, rampant materialism, and celebrity worship. Aspiring to anything more is a fool's errand and should be discouraged at every opportunity!
Obviously, I can't escape any of that through geography, I know that people are like this everywhere, but the real trouble is rooted in my struggles to escape within myself, or through my interests. The pace of my art production has picked up significantly, but the quality hasn't improved as much as I would like(of at all), so there is a persistent frustration that multiplies in and over itself. I love riding, but time, weather, and circumstances prevent me from riding as often as I would like. I write…probably much more than is necessary…but the relief is short lived, if there is any relief at all. I workout, but not as often as I used to, and I can feel the difference, physically and psychologically. In general, I feel totally uninspired by my current circumstances, so something has to change.
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
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i'll make you the same offer i make all my friends when i sense them careening toward the brink of psychological disaster. if ever you want to get away, for a few hours or a few days, you are always welcome here in gainesville. not a lot of people have taken me up on this particular invitation, but those that have are rarely disappointed.
:)
If I didn't know you better, I'd think I was being propositioned! lol Don't worry about me, I'm just a burnt out old dreamer who has been feeling whiny lately. It'll be better after the holidays.