Wednesday, March 12, 2008

There is hope for us yet

A recent study reports that 1 in 4 female teens has, or has had, a STD, according to this AP article hosted at CNN.com. Clearly, such a miniscule number is an extremely disappointing result! Am I to believe that our country's teens cannot do better than a 25% success rate? What has happened to the American work ethic when only 3 million of an estimated 12 million female teenagers currently are, or have been, infected with a sexually transmitted disease? Where is our national pride, our American 'can do' spirit? Certainly, no American should feel content with a meager 25% infection rate! Were we being graded on performance, our great country would be so deeply mired in F-ville, we would qualify for a G or even an H! As Americans, we have to make it our mission to raise our collectively abysmal performance to a C standard, at the very least, and we must do so as soon as possible! Failure to do so puts us at risk of losing another generation of young women to the scourge of underachievement ravaging this country today. We cannot let this stand!

To ensure we rise from these ignominious ashes to be reborn as a glorious, American phoenix, fully ablaze with righteous, herpetic fire, I propose that we undertake an infestation agenda in this country immediately and without debate or forethought! Our goal should be nothing less than an infection rate of 90% or more by 2020. With a concerted effort, we can make our national dream of near total infection a reality, but we have to work together. It is our right, nay, our duty as Americans to act on these unacceptably low rates of success in a manner that properly exemplifies America's standing as the most sexually confused, quietly promiscuous country in the world!

I dream of a country where every teenaged American knows the joy of HPV infection. In my mind's eye, I see long lines of American boys and girls waiting their turn at STD clinics and walk-in doctor's offices, eagerly seeking confirmation that their rash or discharge is in fact the result of a viral or bacterial infection. What a proud day for any family when young Suzie or Billy bursts through their front door, test results in hand, crying out with almost psychotic glee that yes, finally, they are prideful hosts to Chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis! Imagine the tales of glory to be shared as the young boy or girl's tale of struggle and strife, random hook-ups and unprotected penetration unfurl before the eager ears of mesmerized parents, siblings, and friends. Oh lovely day! In an age when America's influence is slipping and we find ourselves searching for national identity, it is important that we grab hold of such opportunity with both hands!

With enough diligence and directed effort, a 90% infection rate is not only possible, but highly likely! The stigma of our current mediocrity could be erased forever, and our rightful place at the forefront of human enlightenment could be secured for ages to come, all within a generation! I hereby call on every teenage American to gather into random, indiscriminate groups for the express purpose of engaging in monumental amounts of unprotected intercourse. Let there be no discrimination based on race, color, creed, religion, or level of physical attractiveness. Bring drugs, bring alcohol, bring whatever it takes to loosen morals and ignite libido! Let's make this the decade of infectious disease; let's put America back on top, once and for all! We can do this together, in fact, we must do this together!

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Posted by Erik @ 3/12/2008 04:28:00 PM