Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Woman, stand by your man
Why do women forgive their cheating husbands? This video on CNN is an excerpt from an interview with the former first lady of New Jersey, Dina Matos McGreevey, who was married to former governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey. For those that don't know, McGreevey was caught up in a gay sex scandal during his term as New Jersey's governor. At one point in time, he was pegged to be a rising star in the Democratic party, but his star came crashing down when this scandal broke. CNN talked to Matos as a means of gaining insight into what is going through Silda Spitzer's mind as her husband Eliot, who just so happens to be the governor of New York, becomes entangled in a prostitution scandal. So far, Silda is standing by her man.
My question is why? Why would a woman stand by a man the FBI has apparently caught soliciting a prostitute on more than one occasion. From what I've read, these prostitutes were of the high dollar variety, as ol' Spitzy ran up a $15k+ tab...tax money well spent, for sure! For now, she's staying and it is beyond my powers of imagination to understand why. Obviously, there is the shock and distress of effectively having one's marriage ruined while simultaneously being shamed in public by the circumstances of its undoing, but that seems all the more reason to get out immediately, and without hesitation. That seems like the rational, sane thing to do, but she's staying put, for now.
What makes people stay with cheaters? A person who cheats once will almost certainly cheat again. At the very least, knowing that they are capable of cheating would be enough for me, but it seems like much of the world is populated by people for which this is not enough. Somehow, people find ways to convince themselves that the cheater is worth tolerating, that they are somehow worthy of trust. But that sort of violation is not the kind of thing that happens in a vacuum, it is the byproduct of a more general disrespect or at the very least, disregard.
It's not that adultery is rare. Hell, it's as much a part of the human condition as war, competition, or materialism. Cheaters are everywhere, I know more than one, and know of several more. People seem to cheat the way they run to the grocery store for milk or stop at he ATM for a few bucks on the way home. And maybe that is the why behind women (or men), who hang around and continue to expend time and energy on cheaters. If everyone is doing it, is the Devil you know better than the Devil you don't? Are people really this cowardly?
I just can't make sense of holding on, regardless of the time invested or what may have been, because the only time that really matters is now and what may have been was very likely not what the cheated imagined it to be. And to cheat with a prostitute...isn't that the most insulting slight a woman could experience? We're talking about chicks who have become so soulless and so materialistic that they are hardly human beings anymore, and your husband is running off to pay thousands of dollars to fuck them. He is paying thousands of dollars to be the 1,885th penis said prostitute has allowed entrance into her well worn vagina. That has to be a nightmarish thing to do deal with. I suppose it could be worse, she could be living with the fact that her husband was so bent that he left her to partake in unknown quantities of man ass. At least Bill Clinton had the good sense to let his whores come to him, for free, but one of my biggest issues with Hillary Clinton is that she did NOT leave.
Staying seems weak and pathetic to me. Getting out and getting rid of them, while taking them to the proverbial cleaners, seems a much more respectable course. Staying says, "You fucked up huge, but I can live with what you did and what you are". Why would anyone put themselves in that position? I just don't get it.
Super-fantasmous update: The ex-wife of former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy allegedly had threesomes with her then fiance and the man who would eventually be identified as his gay lover, according to this article at CNN.com. People are awesome! lol
Labels: politics
Read or Post a Comment
I just got into a heated discussion about this very same topic last night with my two male co-workers. We got drinks after work, and I got the uncensored version of how and why they cheat (and how they convince themselves it's ok). I'm not a judgmental person so to each their own, it's their relationships, but I told them if it were me, I would not stand for that.
One of the guys said his gf used to say the same exact thing but ended up taking him back. It seems to me like once she took him back, the cycle repeated and each time and it was easier for him to come back.
My coworkers know me as this very passive, tolerant person and were shocked when they heard my blunt response. I said that no matter what circumstance whether I had been with someone for 20 years or 20 days, if they cheat on me, even if they kiss someone, we're done. It sounds callous, but it's a self-respect thing. I would never do that to another person and I deserve the same respect. I don't care about excuses like alcohol or "accidents." I'm upfront about my tolerance to that and if they want to risk it and lose me it's their choice. I'll easily find someone else more worthy of my time or even better, just be alone for awhile.
So how these women can take their men back after such heinous acts? I have no idea. But I have to think that aside from the obvious things (being in love/attached/financially bound to another) it may be self-esteem issue.
The only answer I can come up with is that they are WEAK! They let their husband, his team of advisors and lawyers bully them into pretending and standing there next to him at a phony news conference. Weak, weak, weak... they need to say, "F' you, stand there and give your fake apologies on your own, buddy." He's not sorry he did it; he's just sorry he got caught. These kind of women give the rest of us a bad name… when they stand their looking utterly pathetic, pretending to support their cheatin' man, not to mention the message she sent her daughters - "If your husband ever does this to you, suck up your pride and make it better for him" Aaagghh!!! She should have showed her daughters that women deserve more respect than that and we don't need to take this kind of shit and eat it too! Unfortunately, mothers have been teaching their daughters this for generations….
I grew up with this crap, so I know firsthand what it’s like. My mom stuck around for a while too. For different reasons… she was afraid to be a single mom, afraid to be alone, wanted to keep that “family” life intact, etc. - but all these things added up to one thing, she was WEAK! Why??? Because that was the message my grandmother set for her. My grandfather cheated and my grandmother swallowed her pride and pretended it was okay. After all, she was taught to stand by her man no matter what (what a joke) they moved to FL to “start” over (really, to hide from it) and spent the rest of their lives together. So…. When it happened to my mom, she did as she was taught, swallow your pride and pretend everything is okay and make your marriage work. For some reason, back in the day, woman thought they had no choice but to deal with it but in this day and age… set a good example for your daughters for goodness sake. My mom has gone so far as to tell me over the years, “If a man cheats, it’s just physical, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.” Are you kidding me???
If my husband ever did that to me, I’d be out the door so fast. I would teach my daughters to think that it is acceptable for a man or a woman to cheat.
They’re all WEAK!
It the bottom of my post, it was supposed to say... I would teach my daughters that it is NOT acceptable =)
I think much of this comes back to self-esteem and social conditioning, as you both mentioned, but it is beyond my ability to understand how low self-esteem leads one to tolerate such disrespect. It's baffling to me. There was a time in high school, when it was really clear to me that I had no place among my peers, that I thought of myself as a lower life form. Even then, I held on to some semblance of dignity and did my best to discard people who did not show me adequate levels of courtesy, if not outright respect. But like Laura mentioned, some women take this, "It's only physical" attitude, as if sex isn't the most intimate, physical act humans engage in. Spitzer was paying $4k for 4 hours of fun with some 22 years old whore, and it is conceivable that his wife of nearly 20 years may be thinking something along the lines of "she may have his dick, but I have his heart". For her sake, I hope that's not the case.
I'm feeling so disconnected from humanity lately that most humans are becoming more and more like brutish caricatures all the time. It's silly that prostitution is illegal, given that it goes on every day at all levels of society, but that is what makes humanity so pathetic. As Laura said, it comes down to weakness. I'm less outraged than amused by Mr. Spitzer's undoing. In the end, it's as laughable as it is pathetic.