Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Modern marriage may be the answer
I read that nearly 50% of America's families are headed by a stepparent. The divorce rate is floating in the 50%+ range. The obvious question is why are people getting married at all? A coworker and I had an email conversation that ended up touching on the subject and it occurred to me that marriage almost seems like a pointless enterprise in modern America. Honestly, I wouldn't bet $10 if I felt my chances or winning were less than 50/50, so betting my life on marriage, when over 50% of them are falling apart, seems like madness. I know I have written on this before, but my recent thinking on the matter has started opening new avenues of understanding for me and I think my attitude toward dating may be metamorphosing as a result. This idea ties into my previous post about not having a definitive idea of what to do about my annual case of Spring Fever.
Historically, I have had issues with girls' sexual histories, primarily because I have almost no history, so I do not relate with those who embrace the prevailing social norm that sex is a casual or disposable act. It always seemed logical that I have nothing to offer a girl with a prolific sexual history, since our ideas on sex, which serve as an integral part of a relationship in my mind, would be so vastly different. Promiscuous people fit better with other promiscuous people, if a long-term relationship is the goal. At some point, the difference in sexual attitudes and histories will surface, inevitably resulting in conflict. That just seems logical to me. The more people have in common, particularly on such an important thing as sex, the better their chances of having a healthy, long lasting relationship. Here's where my thoughts start to be conflicted.
Genuine issues like this one only become deal breakers when love gets involved and where love is involved for an extended period of time, we are socially programmed to start thinking about marriage. But what if you take marriage completely off the table? What if you declare it a non-option? What affect does that have on one's concepts of love? What does that mean If you have no intentions of ever being married, what difference does a girl's history make? If you reject marriage outright, does it become acceptable to refrain from allowing yourself to fall in love? If you reject the idea of marriage, do you free yourself from the confines of love?
At 30 years old, I have the relationship history of your average 18 years-old suburban kid. I'm not ashamed of that, quite the opposite actually, but I concede that my lack of sexual history speaks to the presence of dysfunction on some level. Whether that dysfunction is in my thinking and behavior, or in the functioning of modern females will inevitably depend on who you ask. My guess is, most people would point their fingers in my direction, but it has to be recognized that their opinions would be greatly influenced by their histories, ideals (if they have any), and the degree to which they embrace social conformity. Ultimately, the source of dysfunction is irrelevant, because I feel no need to change my attitudes toward sex and it is highly unlikely that society will pull back from the philosophy of promiscuity during my sexual lifetime.
So I am presented with a stifling conundrum. How does a sexual novice like myself function in a world of more experienced women, or women with other extenuating circumstances(children, addictions, mental disorders, etc)? I actually find myself physically and mentally unsettled by the question. Combined with my advancing age and the dwindling availability of options, the sense that I have painted myself into a corner feels more real than at any other time in my life. My only option is to start climbing the walls. Unfortunately, I can't go hog-wild and abandon the last 15 years of self-discipline and work. That just isn't an option, because doing so would mean sacrificing beliefs and ideas I am not prepared to live without. What I can do, and what has been on my mind lately, is find a way of freeing my approach to dating through the understanding that marriage and long-term commitment are not even factors. Instead of thinking, "is this the kind of girl I could be with for a year, or two, or three", I embrace the idea that there is no reason to worry about staying with a woman for an extended period of time.
If it happens, fine, but such an occurence is so unlikely as to be effectively impossible, so the energy spent thinking about it is best directed elsewhere. After all this time, it has become necessary to face the reality that I almost certainly could not function in a long-term relationship. Compounding the force of that realization is the fact that removing marriage as a potential outcome means that any relationship I enter into is ultimately fated to end at some point, regardless of my intentions. Just one more thing to think about as time races on...
Labels: life or the lack thereof
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I think you need to stop thinking, to a certain extent anyway.
If you meet a girl you like, don't worry about how long it will last - just enjoy it, and if it does last... great! You don't need to take marriage off the table, just let things play out and if you’re in a relationship that you know isn't working, get out and move on.... if you're in one that is working and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, pop the question.
I think you make things too complicated and over think them to the point where you stress yourself out. Just date and enjoy the ride - wherever it leads you.
That's the thing, I'm a thinker. My brain works overtime all the time. What really bothers me most and makes me generally melancholy about the whole thing is the powerlessness of it all. I am as powerless to change the way people behave, but at the same time, I am incapable of joining them in the mess.
How do you keep it simple in a world where the chick is always at least "talking" to another guy, which is to say they're hooking up, and everyone seems to be engaged in games or struggling with issues? It's only simple if you meet up, hook up, and move one and can do so without any struggles of conscience. Maybe it's this place, I'm not sure. Things have degraded to the point that it really isn't enjoyable. Dating often feels more like work than fun and I'm pretty sure I have rarely been the party that makes it complicated.
Honestly, I'm just not wired properly for all the bullshit that comes along with dating. I'm too trustworthy, honest, and boring. lol