Thursday, April 17, 2008

Not to whine, but...

Burnout is setting in like a gangrenous infection on an open wound these days. The simple act of thinking is becoming increasingly difficult, and I am beginning to feel like a kid with ADD. My focus is all over the place, my blood pressure is probably through the roof, and my energy level is through the shithouse floor. In short, I am stumbling along right now and it's as amusing as it is distressing. Amusing because I have the memory of a 90 year olds man, distressing because I am beginning to look and feel like a 90 years old man.

Work continues to whittle away at my well being, and school continues to be a load I am just barely carrying. In all my 30 years on this Earth, I have not been under so much continuous stress before in my entire life. Over a year of this is starting to make scribbles out of my mental processes. There are times when I will find myself drifting off into la la land in the middle of meetings. Just tonight, I lost track of what a woman in class was saying to me while in the middle of a conversation. She laughed, so I smiled and chuckled along, but I could not tell you what was so amusing to save my life. That type of thing is pretty discouraging.

On the flip side of that discouragement is something curious, something almost like optimism. While the stress and strain is taking a toll, it also strikes me as remarkable that I am able to hold up as well as I have. Somehow I have sustained this pace for a year and I feel confident that I can maintain it for the remaining 8 months of my time with Eckerd. I'm no longer certain all of this work will have even been worth it, at least in a tangible sense, but none of that matters now. In a weird way, I'm worried about what will happen after I graduate, since my work situation and the usefulness of my degree are both in question.

That's not say I am having second thoughts about getting a Visual Arts degree. Creating images is what I am good at, it is something I have always done, and I am getting better, so there really isn't any point in denying that in favor of a more utilitarian degree. There are plenty of business and finance majors in the same position I am, so there are no guarantees attached to any specific degree. The worry really arises from how to best leverage my next move using this degree and my experience. As of today, that piece of the plan is very much a work in progress.

But nothing is certain, in this life, so I try not to worry myself with that sort of thing. I do know one thing, I will finally be moving out again. Too many years after I originally moved back home on a "temporary" basis, I'm more sure than ever that it is time to get back out into the world. It's not that I have any trouble with 'rents, I'm just too goddamned old to be here, so it's time to go. Once I'm out, project Nótt begins. Nótt is the Norse goddess of night who gave birth to Earth and Day. Here is a brief entry from Wikipedia explaining her birth and position in the Norse pantheon:

There was a giant living in Giantland called Nörfi or Narfi. He had a daughter named Night. She was dark and swarthy, like the family to which she belonged. Her first marriage was with a man called Naglfari, their son was called Auð. Next she was married to Annar, their daughter was called Earth. Last, Delling married her, and he was of the family of the gods. Their son was Day, he was bright and beautiful like his father's side. Then All-father took Night and her son, Day, and gave them two horses and two chariots and put them up in the sky, so that they should ride round the world every twenty-four hours. Night rides first on a horse called Hrímfaxi, and every morning he bedews the earth with the foam from his bit. Day's horse is called Skinfaxi, and the whole earth and sky are illuminated by his mane. - Young's translation

So what is project Nótt? My next bike, of course! My brother has been slowly assembling his own custom and he's inspired me to see if I can make my own vision a reality as a sort of reward for having finally graduated college. Details to come, but needless to say I am stoked about the idea.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/17/2008 11:28:00 PM