Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Rain dance
I have been single for over 2 years now. In and of itself, being single is not a bad thing. As we all know by now, single is my normal and 2 years is not a long time to go without a relationship. Hell, 2 years is just a warm-up, I'm only just starting to stretch my legs! But 25 months is a long stretch of datelessness, even for me, and the unnerving truth is that the longer I go down this road, the wider the divide between myself and modern women becomes.
The aging process begins eliminating options by default. Eventually, no matter how well you take care of yourself, you begin looking older, so early-20-somethings become increasingly out of the question - barring a dramatic rise in income, power, or notoriety. Unfortunately, I have no interest in income, power, or notoriety. On the other hand, women my own age are typically looking to settle down, establish families, and start working on their version of the American "dream", which seems even less appealing to me than dedicating my life to money, power, and/or fame. Rocks and hard places are always a bitch.
So what we have is the sun beating down from above, conspiring to draw the well down to near nothing. I have come to see myself as a caricaturized, aboriginal shaman, dancing and chanting in hopes of inspiring new rain despite the increasingly arid nature of the ground beneath my feet. When I was younger, all the commotion and carrying on was much more enthusiastic. After all, it seemed like rain was always just behind the next gust of wind. Surely, the Fates would bring the rain and chances would always be plentiful! At 20, time seemed to be an ally in the process, you're meeting lots of people, doing lots of things, going lots of places, generally having a good time. The dance is something like the spins of a whirling Sufi, energetic and informed by a subliminal optimism. By 30, time is starting to take on a different character and presence. You learn that time makes no promises beyond its own perpetual motion and that the rain dance yields very little usable precipitation.
At some point, after all this movement has gone on for a while, you might find that you are dancing for its own sake. The belief that rain will come becomes irrelevant, and the dance becomes its own purpose. Of course, the act of fruitless rain-dancing brings its own revelations. You learn to survive without rain, and you begin to understand how much of the available water is acidic. When the rain does come, more often than not weeds grow in abundance - all too rare are healthy, flourishing trees. So the dance has to become an end unto itself, a sort of moving meditation that has less to do with rain than it does with expression, otherwise the shaman finds their knees on the ground, their lips and tongue lapping at a puddle of silt. What good is rain if its only product is shrubbery? What good is drinking gallons of acrid water when all it produces is toxic piss? A single shower of clean, cool, cleansing rain is a greater experience than a continuous drizzle of pollution. Am I crazy for thinking it is better to go thirsty for want of clean water than to surrender one's self to a life of settling for soupy dirt?
Is being alive, living on one's knees, suckling at puddles of mud, better than the alternative? When you stand up triumphantly with your teeth full of grit and your stomach full of silt, are you really winning? I would say no, but opinions vary. Maybe it is a tragedy to seek clear water in a world polluted by contaminants and darkened by muck. Life is short and our opportunities to drink are finite, so the argument goes. But I think it better to die seeking something clean and fresh and clear, than to live with the taste of soil on your tongue and dirt in your guts. The consumer of dirty water might enjoy greater quantities of the stuff, but will they be better for it? I would say no, but opinions vary.
Labels: life or the lack thereof
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There is this perfect idea of a woman you've created in your head... which by the way I haven't really figured out what that is yet, and if you don't find that - well then you'll have nothing at all. It’s either clean, cool, cleansing rain or soupy dirt with you, nothing in the middle. I don’t think you’ll find a couple out there that found everything they were looking for in each other, but yet there are countless numbers of couples who are truly, deeply happy and in love – interesting?
When you talk about women, whether you mean to or not, you portray them as just downright bad! “Sluts, acidic, cum dumpsters, etc...” I hate to tell you, but we're not all bad. Everyone has a past and nobody is perfect… but come on, there are PLENTY of good women out there. Maybe not in your circles… maybe that is all you have ran into, but if that is truly the case then maybe you need to rethink your circles and what attracts you to a woman.
Girls in their early 20’s that are hot, single, and hanging out at a bar, probably are cum dumpsters that have nothing but issues... you know who those girls were in high school, so maybe it's time to rethink what you're going after in a girl.
You are absolutely right in the fact that - you shouldn’t just date any random girl just to date BUT you also have to realize that maybe your expectations are too high and to stop being so critical of women.
I guess maybe it’s just the way you write, but it really comes off that you don’t like women. If a girl sleeps around, you refer to her as a cum dumpster… what does that make a guy who does the same thing? I’m just saying that you’re harsher on women than men. I’m not disagreeing that there are plenty of sluts out there, because there are plenty and also plenty that have other issues but not everyone is.
Maybe deep down you’d just rather be single and that’s why you haven’t found her because I’m sure of the fact that there is a girl out there who is pretty, intelligent and not a slut. She may have a past and she may not be perfect but if you never give her a chance then you will never know if she was perfect for you.
You should be happy and you shouldn't have to drink soupy dirt, but relationships are built on compromise and you constantly have to work them... if you do, your reward is AWSOME!
I'm not hating on all women, but there's no denying I have my issues. The thing is, and I use this constantly as a means of explaining why I think the way I do, is that I do not expect anything more or anything less from others than I expect from myself. Hell, I'm not perfect, not by a long shot, but I feel like I have a pretty solid track record, so I'm not being totally hypocritical.
And don't think I am any easier on guys. In a roundabout way, my problems with my fellow males feed the problems I have with women. Many of my fellow males, particularly my peers here in Florida, are insecure, manipulative, cowardly fucktards. Women seem to recognize this, as they are constantly complaining about male behavior, but at the end of the day, a large portion of the women out there still willing sleep with and date the same guys they constantly bitch about. It's difficult for me to respect that...honestly, it's impossible. lol
And the few girls I have dated or went further with were anything but angels, so it's not as cut and dry as it sounds. The trouble is, when I say "dating", that's all that's going on. When most people say "dating", what they really means is "sleeping with, still holding an option on relationship with". That just doesn't impress me. Girls should strive to be women and women should strive to be ladies, otherwise it's all just glorified, rationalized chimp behavior. Same goes for guys.
All these years and you haven't heard her me rant about my male cohorts? I find that hard to believe - I am an equal opportunity critic! lol The key factor here is that I am not compelled to have naked fun with guys, so their behavior is irrelevant to me.
And for me, it just make more sense to be single. The older I get, the truer that statement becomes.
And furthermore!!! :)
Just wanted to add that I hope it's clear after all this writing that the problem is bigger than loose women and manwhores. Those two things are integral parts of the human animal and neither is going anywhere, but the real problem is the cheapening and diminishing of EVERYTHING. Nothing is sacred, nothing has value, and everything should operate on a gratification level.
It's so frustrating to see people with the intellectual potential to be something more than genitals with a credit card so consistently fall short of our collective capabilities. Florida is full of this mentality..cheap and easy, cheap and easy...it drives me nuts and contributes to these occasional outbursts. That and the hormones. :)