Tuesday, May 13, 2008
We should all be as strong as a deafblind little girl
The argument goes that we need all grow up and act our age. While most people seem to see me as a fairly mature person, there is no doubt that peoples' perception of me will be tinted by the facts that I have not ever owned a house, or been married and had children. I enjoy machines and gadgets and spend a great deal of money on both. Most of my free time is spent seeking out impractical things, often of an intangible, transcendental nature. I have my 401k, some stocks, and a bit of money in savings, but for the most part, people probably see me as fairly stunted or immature in my priorities. But I would argue that their perceptions are more of a problem than my lifestyle.
I have occasionally asked friends for their honest opinion on my lifestyle, and the general consensus seems to be a simultaneous sense of envy and sympathy. On the one hand, I have had people tell me that they envy my freedom and independence. On the other, they seem to see my living situation and relationship history as being pathetic, to put it bluntly. But their perceptions are inherently skewed by elements of social normalization. The accepted thinking is that, at my age, I should want a house, I should be thinking about settling down and raising a family, I should be giving up on the naïve ideals of youth in favor of more practical and realistic hopes and aspirations. Norms dictate that we are not whole, or complete without these things, but norms are little more than benchmarks for individuals who are willing to accept the current concept of "normal", which throughout all human history has been an evolving and transient thing. Normal is a fabrication, as no one actually attains it or lives it, though most claim to seek it out, or be it in their lives. Chasing normal is a fool's errand.
So you give up on normal and norms and do your own thing. What then? In some ways, you come to understand how illusory the idea of "growing up" really is. Most people do not grow up in the commonly accepted sense that they gain wisdom and a deeper understanding. In my experience, most people grow out, physically, and recede mentally. Very few people follow their passions or explore their absolute potential, so the vast majority, the average, typically end up falling short of their hopes and aspirations. They live lives guided by practicality and safety, rather than impracticality and risk. The exploration and curiosity of youth is replaced by a desire for safety and security, and to a great extent, fear of uncertainty.
Of course, this gives them the advantage of relative safety, but in the end, no one is actually safe. Safety, like normalcy, is a fabrication of the mind. Helen Keller has a fantastic quote on this topic and I marvel at her wisdom every time I read it:
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all."
Without ever seeing or hearing the outside world, Helen Keller attained higher states of education, insight, and wisdom than most able-bodied individuals ever manage. What does that say about the physically capable majority? Their fear and their conformity make them mentally and spiritually weaker than a blind, deaf woman. Helen Keller grew up in every sense of the word, but she never lost the childish idea that life should be an adventure. In my mind, that is the ideal; growing in every significant way without sacrificing a sense of child-like wonder for the world. The classical, Western idea of growing up sounds about as enjoyable and interesting as getting one's teeth drilled sans Novocain. Been there, done that, brush 3 times per day to prevent going back again.
Labels: life or the lack thereof
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lifestyle, well in my opinion you should no care about what people think, some people is going to think is great others wrong, the thing is that if you are happy with how you live, thats the point for me. after all if we were "normal", what will be the sense of life?
No one is normal, and who can determinate what means "normal" in this world. when some things are normal for us are strange for others and then become the different s cultures. so this become is a huge topic.
cool blog,I like to read you.
regards,
(Long I know, but I wanted to get my point accross - and I hope I did because everyone should take their own path and not judge other people for the path they choose)
Everyone should do what is right for them. Not everyone wants kids, not everyone wants a house or marriage. If that is what they truly want than they should do that and not look back or question it. I have a friend who wanted a house and marriage but no children and she is perfectly happy with that. She has never questioned herself or felt pressure to do something else. She knew what she wanted and that’s what she did, end of story and everyone who knows her respects her for it. In return, she has never questioned my choices, never compared them to “getting one's teeth drilled sans Novocain”.
We also have another friend who was always single, he swore he never wanted kids but then he met a girl and fell in love unexpectedly. His son is two weeks old now and this is a quote from his email he sent to us, “Things here are better than I could have ever imagined. It's amazing how quickly life changes. Sonny has been home for about two weeks now and he is doing well. Work is going good. No plans for a deployment in the near future so I should have plenty of time to enjoy being woke up in the middle of the night for feedings and all the other good stuff that comes with a new baby. Honestly though, I am already loving being a father.”
I didn’t include that to say one day you’ll change your mind, I just wanted to show you that life changes and things are unexpected so just live one day at a time and make the choices that are right for you and don’t worry about what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Your life will go down the path you want it to and that path may change directions time and time again or it may not… just so long as it’s yours.
In my opinion, I think you feel pressure or take criticism for your lifestyle because people don’t believe that what you have… is honestly what you want. The fact that you ask people for their opinion about your lifestyle, and always seem to have this inner-struggle gives people the idea that you aren’t happy with your choices and therefore pass their choices onto you. I’m not saying that it is right to do, but I think that’s why people do it. I could be all wrong, but that's my take.
Just as much as people may criticize you on your life choices, I feel you are equally hard on the people who want a marriage, children and a home. I don’t feel I ‘accepted’ what was normal and let that dictate my life. I wanted more than anything to have a husband, children and a home. So while some may be ‘chasing normal’ many are actually chasing their dreams. It just so happens that many people share the same dream of creating life with someone they love, raising that life in a loving home and trying with everything they have to protect it and watch it grow into this amazing person. If you succeed, there is nothing normal about that… it’s a miracle.
Referring to the last line of Helen Keller’s quote… “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all”
She is so right, but trust me when I say that just because someone chooses to have a relationship, children and a home… does not mean that they have in some way settled for safe or are missing out on a daring adventure.
Watching Scott hold our children for the first time, change a diaper, give a bath, etc., etc., may seem like the most ordinary things to some people but for me… I fell in love with Scott all over again in ways that I never knew were possible. I cannot speak for Scott, but I would bet any amount of money that for him, watching me go through what I did during my pregnancy and then watching my surgery and his children come out of my body made him fall in love all over again in a way he never imagined.
Watching our girls do something for the very first time, watching their faces as they’re studying something trying to understand what it is and why it exists, listening to them laugh… these are moments that I will never forget, moments that I can’t imagine living without. Raising them in our home, trying with everything we have to protect them, nurture them and raise them to be good people is and will forever be the biggest challenge of our life. It is an adventure, and we love it. But that is what we wanted. Does that mean that we might have less toys, and less going out money… probably, and sometimes that can be a downer, but I know for a fact neither of us would go back in time and decide against children for the sake of a new car or a motorcycle.
In the end my point is that if you don’t want these things, good for you and you should chase your dreams, and never look back… but, don’t assume to know why everyone else makes the choices they do and turn it into a boring choice we’ve been programmed to make. Everyone should be happy, and Scott and I want nothing more than our family to be happy. Sometimes people have different ideas of happy and we all need to accept that.
Hi G, thanks for the vote of confidence! I think you're getting the gist of what I was saying, normal is a subjective experience, so there is no real normal, but we do have social norms that try to create a structure which can be used as benchmarks for the so-called "normal".
Laura - I think you're misreading what I meant by this specific post. I wasn't trying to comment on marriage and child-rearing so much as I was talking about the idea of being "grown up". What I was really intending to talk about, and I guess I missed this in the post, was that most people do not actually grow up, they just grow old. Part of that is tied to social normalization, but the simple fact is that there are a LOT of people who have children, but look at raising them in a very different light to the one you described. I think it's wonderful that you and Scott have such a solid relationship, I really do, but I think you are increasingly in th minority. Most Americans grow old, but they do not grow, and we all suffer for it when those types of people reproduce and start the cycle of dysfunction anew in their children. That, and I was just annoyed at having been asked when I'll find someone and settle down. My stock answer has become something to the effect that, in a place where you can have all the milk you want without committing to sheltering, feeding, and protecting the cow, it makes no sense to settle down and build a farm. My time has passed. :)
Sorry I misunderstood your post, and that people are questioning you about your lifestyle... I think it's great that you know what you want and you know that you don't want to "settle down and build a farm" (lol) and your reasons for that are no one's business... don't explain yourself, don't even acknowledge someone who asks you about it... just live your life the way you want to and don't worry about the rest.
However, I still feel like you are becoming quite the pessimist. Lately you seem to only see the people who are out there doing bad or wrong and have started to block out all the good in this world. Don't get me wrong, I don't have my head buried in the sand... there is so much bad out there - it's scary. But every day I see good in people. I still know plenty of people who are in a loving relationship who want to raise their children in the same way I do. I still see the people who are constantly striving for more from this life. I don't let the negative take away all the good that still remains.
Whether it be girls, relationships, the overall way people are living their life... you only seem to see the bad or at least that's all you talk about. Kind of like the news media, we all know there are positive things happening all over the world, but the news media would never report that... who wants to hear good news, right? That's not to say we should put blinders on to the bad that's out there, because then nothing would ever change and we couldn't learn from the mistakes of others... but we shouldn't let the bad over take us and blind us to the good either.
No doubt pessimism is a very vocal component of my world view. I feel like people (in the general sense) give me many more reasons to lose faith than to reinforce it. The sad truth is that I am tired of people. All I can do at this point is take steps to make sure my life has as minimal a negative impact on the lives of others as possible. When I have an opportunity to do something positive, I do it. Not sure what else to do these days.
life is ironic,
you say you are tired of people, I think the same, that there are just "free,easy, trashy cows" around, I say that there are just players, immature guys that just want to live "la vida loca", that dont want to committed, feed and protect the cow , (plus I dont think that you should compare women with cows, but ok...is an analogy) so in the end, is true that there are a lot easy/stupid cows but also there are good/smart women, we want commited, respect and if you want to call old fashion...yes, I am one of that old fashion girls.
and sometimes I am pessimist and I give up about find love and someone that have respect and dont think that everything is about how you look, money , drama, shit.
so you are not the only one BUT even when sometimes I can be sad, disappointed about life/people (and my life have not been easy, you dont have idea)I have faith ... why?
because life is too short to be unhappy, if you dont feel good about something in your life, well...try to change that and don't complain about it.
there are so many people in this world that live worst situations and go ahead with their lifes...that is something that I always remenber when I have been in a bad situation.
Ps. Sorry if I am rude or too much direct, dont take it in a wrong way, I like to say what I think. regards :)
The idea that life is too short to be unhappy is a distinctly Western thing. I like the Eastern perspective: life is too short and too filled with nonsense to get upset about. That approach suits my general mentality better. The thing is, I am committed to moving forward n my life, it is the general trend of things around me that wears at my optimism. We live in a world that could EASILY be paradise, but we are collectively too stupid or too selfish to make it so. And I am not sure that I want to learn to accept that as the way things have to be.