Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I found GAD

Some people find God and in the idea of a universe Creator they find comfort, guidance, and strength. But I wasn't looking for God, and have not ever harbored any inclinations that I might come upon Him or Her or It. That bridge was crossed years ago, and I arrived on the other side with no semblance of peace and tranquility. I did, however, stumble upon the idea of infinity, effortless work, and the illusory nature of cognitive understanding. The truths of this Universe are not tangible, they are subliminal and intuitive, occupying the space between its physical contents. Our minds are wrought with delusions of solidity, permanence, and control. These concepts were welcomed by a mind overwhelmed with its own perpetual churning. And it is this perpetual motion machine that has proven to be life's double-edged sword.

What is GAD? Let's start with what GAD is not. GAD is not an excuse, an handicap, or a reason for pity. It is not the sole reason for failure, and is not the only hindrance to success. What it is, is an explanation. It is an ancient, crackling light bulb tentatively pressing tendrils of dulled, fragile, amber light into a an omnipresent darkness. GAD is quite literally a state of mind that permeates the entirety of one's physical and cerebral self, creating a pervasive unease that becomes so endemic as to become invisible. GAD morphs into a murky, semi-translucent filter, altering nearly all sensory input, generating compromised output. In this way GAD disrupts one's central processing, subtly, but continuously, distorting reason and perception. GAD operates around the conscious mind, enveloping thought and feeling and action, without ever making its presence readily apparent. You only recognize its existence by having your eyes opened to its tells.

GAD is an acronym for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. According to the Mayo Clinic, generalized anxiety disorder is a chronic disorder that typically begins to manifest in youth and progressively grows more pronounced and disruptive throughout one's life. Their list of symptoms include personality traits that feel eerily familiar, including obsession with large or small concerns, depression, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, memory problems, and trouble sleeping. In children, symptoms like obsession with punctuality, perfectionism, and lack of confidence are commonly associated with the disorder. None of these things alone led me to believe GAD is the albatross I've hung round my neck, but combined with a lot of the medical literature available online, it was undeniable. The descriptions of GAD behaviors and accounts from diagnosed sufferers felt positively biographical.

Self-diagnosis is fraught with hazards. It is something modern medicine would universally discourage as something the layman should absolutely not do. The risk is that self-diagnosis will yield self-treatment, which could ultimately become self-medication. This is the stuff addictions are made of, particularly where anxiety disorders are concerned. It makes intuitive sense, and the medical community seems to agree, that anxiety disorders can often lead to destructive coping strategies. Anxiety keeps the sufferer under constant tension, and tension breeds pressure, and pressure begs an outlet. One need not make a massive leap of faith is assuming people would turn to the usual substances and activities when the search for a coping strategy begins. I am going to have to try something different.

Street drugs and alcohol are non-starters, that's just putting band-aids on a bullet wound. Prescription meds make more sense, but side effects can be severe, dependency is always a possibility, so there is no guarantee of ever being able to leave the medication behind. Prescriptions and sit downs with a professional are the fall back plan. For now, it is time to make an effort at finding some peace with this new understanding, alter some behaviors, and stay focused on the long view. Having open eyes and a patient mind are essential. This is just the first step in a long march toward balance.

Posted by Erik @ 10/21/2009 09:57:00 PM