Sunday, November 12, 2006
The worst year of my adult life...
isn't over yet. I received a stark reminder of this today(Saturday the 12th) in the form of yet more damage to my beloved Scooby. This time the passenger's side, rear quarter panel had a close encounter of the expensive kind with a taxi's rear bumper. Scooby was parked on the street in front of the house, unoccupied, quietly minding her own business, when a cab ran out of room backing out of a neighbor's driveway, despite having 95% of the street to do it. No one was injured, but my pocketbook is going to take another hit, though this time insurance will be involved. In and of itself, the money isn't a great hardship. It is the aggravation, the seeming endlessness of life's bullshit, particularly surrounding this car, and the attacks my personal morale has had to withstand, that are taking a toll. Which leads me to thoughts on karma, gods, God, how spirit factors into this seemingly nightmarish equation...generally speaking, life philosophy.
This year has been a bad one, but things seemed to have begun so promisingly in January...it seems like a lifetime ago, now. I was debt free, optimistic about work, happy with the trajectory my life seemed to be taking, and generally content. I met a girl, fell for said girl, and that was nice for a while. By the end of February, I was a pretty happy camper. Then, in April, the wheels came off, and everything has degraded since. Fast forward 7 months and the girl was gone, Scooby had been injured and repaired (at a non-trivial cost), the work situation had begun to sour, and my purse strings had tightened considerably as a result. For the first time in a long time, I found myself stewing in regret and uncertainty, but I allowed myself to feel sure, believing that I had weathered the storm.
My return to school, combined with a plot to bring Scooby new, fire-breathing, time-warping life, reignited my sense of optimism. Things seemed to be getting back on track and as a result, I was beginning to get back onboard the optimism bandwagon. Then another proverbial speed bump sprung forth from the bowels of destiny. Now, I am inclined to feel that life fired a warning shot across my bow, reminding me that things are not sunshine and rainbows. And that is where my struggles with faith, spirituality, etc come in.
If I am to believe in a thing like fate, then it would appear that I am to sit passively as Fate continues kicking my ass for the remainder of the year...and perhaps beyond. At this rate, I am no longer sure it will ever end! If I am going to believe in something like karma, then this was all meant to be, but worse, the sequence of events that have unfolded were determined by me, the inevitable outcome of a karmic boomerang effect. If there is a God, I have to be contented with the idea that he is having a laugh at my expense, watching me struggle through these various emotional, financial, and motivational hardships from some pearly throne...something like a supernatural toilet, I would imagine.
To be honest, none of those options are very appealing, particularly God's toilet. I actually prefer to think that "shit happens", sometimes mighty, Earth-shaking, life altering shit, but shit nonetheless. The random in "random misfortune" makes things much less personal and therefore, easier to deal with. After all, if there is no one to blame, and no punishment being meted out, then there is nothing to be angry at, which makes being angry much more difficult. If God doesn't hate me, karma isn't punishing me, and Fate isn't whimsically taking cheapshots at me, the ups and downs of this year become less like pushing a massive boulder up an increasingly steep mountain.
Sure, there are still problems, worries, stress, and uncertainty, but there is less acidic reflux inducing anger, and sleep destroying worry. It is a shitty thing, and it has been a sometimes painful, sometimes heartbreaking, and sometimes maddening year, but it is not the end of the world. With Thanksgiving approaching, I still have an assortment of things to be thankful for: my health, my family, my friends, the forthcoming arrival of twin nieces (twins!!), my return to school, and the like. The icing on the cake is that only 38, just 38, days will remain in 2006 after the Thanksgiving feast has passed. I can only hope they go by quietly, peacefully, and without incident...maybe that is asking too much. How about 38 days without injury to myself, my car, my emotional well-being, or my mental stability. Even that might be a little much, but I am going to hold fast. After all, it never hurts to be optimistic.
Labels: general, life, spirituality, whining
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in my opinion, describing a fender bender as a "speed bump" from the "bowels of destiny" is taking a minor annoyance and giving it a lot more power over your emotional health than it really needs to wield. take a deep breath and realize that the tao you're so passionately seeking most likely isn't going to involve a materialistic adoration of your car. life is what you make it!
Minor annoyance? Maybe, but the car was looking at 3 days down time for the drivetrain swap. Now I'm looking at another 3-5 days, depending, of downtime for parts and repair, plus my $500 deductible. I normally don't worry about money, because I normally don't have to, but this could not have happened at a worse time. It's a speed bump, as opposed to a pothole, roadblock, lane divider, or cliff, so it's not the end of the world, but believe me, this is not the only stress tugging at my mind right now.
That said, you're right, it's not the end of the world. I'm just bumming because I have not caught a break this year...and I really did start this year in a very optimistic state of mind. Now I feel tired and beat up, so I needed to whine a bit...or a lot.
The metaphor was fun though, right? :)
We're sorry to hear about your car, I know how frustrating it must be and it’s never any fun to spend money on that sort of thing. Having said that I’m going to say something that is probably going to ANNOY you because I know how much it ANNOYED me when everyone said it to me last year and still says to me now...but after I think about it for while I realize it's true:
Things could be so much worse!
Yesterday I was lying here feeling sorry for myself because I just wanted one normal pregnancy and then the nurses told me about the girl next door who is going through the same thing as me except her husband just left for Iraq...I felt pretty silly afterwards for thinking I had it bad. Last year after the two miscarriages, my Aunts death, my Nanna's death, Jaffa’s death and Scott being in Iraq I thought it couldn't get any worse and I didn't know what I did to deserve it...but then I went to 49 memorial services of soldiers who will never come home, a friend of mine delivered a full term baby that died within the first month of life and I thought…at least my Nanna and Aunt were able to live relatively long and healthy lives, Jaffa was loved by all and my husband made it home safe. In the end I didn’t have it so bad, but that’s not to say I didn’t have my moments of pure anger and resentment for my misfortune.
Trust me I know how much it sucks when things aren't going right, and all you want to do is have a moment to yourself...to feel bad for yourself. Sometimes I think that it even helps you heal and move on, but in the end my faith comes in and I know God won't give me anything I can't handle and I end up being a stronger person for it.
So, I’m not writing this to tell you that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, in fact just the opposite…I think it’s very healthy, normal and well deserved. I’m just saying things will get better, hang in there!!!
I'll admit it, I am whining a bit. Hopefully, it isn't coming across as "oh, woe is me", as I know there are people who would love to have my problems. It's just a shitty thing and I've been pissed about it since yesterday. I'll get over it.
I hope you're right about things getting better...another year like this, and I'm going to have to abandon my worldly possessions and head for a life in the woods. :)
I'm with you... 2007 can't come soon enough.