Friday, January 12, 2007
Is this it?
Is this all there is? Once you alleviate the trials of Man's fight for survival, is all that's left a world of superficial accumulation and self-indulgence? Is life given purpose by the stockpiling of money, sex partners, material goods, and power? If we dedicate our lives to the pursuit of truth, are we wasting our time in a world where the story is never straight?
Looking back, I find myself wishing I had made better choices. Not going away to college was a huge mistake, and while I am working to correct part of that error, the experience of getting away from this place is one that cannot be regained fully. I can move away to get a taste of what lies beyond, but it will not ever be the same as it could have been. The world is a very different place through the eyes of an 18-years old than someone crossing the 29.5 threshold.
Certain questions haunt my thinking when the topic gains a hold on my conscious. Would I have met someone, settled down, made a life somewhere, freeing myself from ever having to manage the nagging questions that constantly dance in the back of my mind today? How bad would having one great love in this life be, compared to the reality of repeated failures? Isn't that what most of us want, after all? If life denies us that, or we are born into a time and place where such a thing is more running joke than attainable reality, how do we NOT become somewhat discouraged?
And I am aware that much of this is being brought to the surface by the births of Scott and Laura's daughters, but these thoughts have had a hold on my soul for well past a decade now. With a little over six months left in my 20s, one of my biggest regrets is not having had at least one loving, long-term relationship to look back upon. Those years and my youth are now cast forever into the stream of history, never to be lived or experienced again. I have no regrets about my behavior, as I think I did my best to remain true to the concepts of goodness and honesty that have become increasingly more dear to me. My lament is focused more on the lack of real opportunities life has presented, and the reality that my options will always be more limited than most because of my nature.
I never wanted to sleep with a hundred women, or make a billion dollars. The thought of waking up next to someone that would always make me smile was a million times more appealing than a thousand nameless faces and a pillow overflowing with money. The fact that I have not ever even been able to even come close is pretty telling. Modern people seem to be chasing a life fashioned after some bullshit, contrived sense of commercialized existence. They are chasing TV-inspired moments that will not ever be reality, inevitably failing to attain the mass marketed dream, ending up hoping for a salvation that will very liktely not ever come.
But I digress...and digress...and digress. School starts up again tomorrow morning...I have not ever been more excited about a Saturday morning class! Finally, I can get back to being busy with something other than work, which is miserable, and relationship ruminations, which are tiresome. I've started sketching one household object per day, in an effort to sharpen up my graphite skills, and have made further progress on my first ever Painter painting. There may also be some interesting news on the altruism/volunteering front in the near future. All things to keep me busy, which is a good thing. Less downtime equates to less time regurgitating what could have been, and more time spent on building what is to be.
Things can't get rolling soon enough.
Labels: bitching and moaning, general, life
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Just wait. It will happen for you.
I appreciate the sentiment, but at 30 years old, my optimism is more or less depleted. The closest I've come is a few months and that ended in a mess. The kinds of girls I am drawn to are just not monogamy/relationship oriented, which is fucking baffling, because I am HARDWIRED for both, but that's the pattern. The "why" behind my fly-to-zapper mentality baffles me and has ultimately led me down a bad road. Getting older has taught me that time does eventually run out for all of us.
man erik, the perpetual dialogue you and i have going on cracks me up sometimes. one minute i'm saying companionship is the ultimate human aspiration, and you're pontificating the virtue in a solitary lifestyle. the next minute i'm boring my friends, family, and potential blog-visitors with how many million times more appealing single life is to me than the alternative, and you're ruminating wistfully over chances to find love that've passed.
anyway. do you honestly believe that the person you were at eighteen was ready to grab the "college experience" by the balls, so to speak, and do something positive with it? isn't it possible that all you've been through in the past dozen years have conspired to transform you into someone who can finally appreciate your educational opportunities? likewise, isn't it possible that tampawrx in his 20's was simply a person whose priorities rested with things like seeking out spiritual enlightenment, cultivating his desired physique, developing a clearer sense of what he wants to do with his life career-wise, exploring his hobbies and personal passions, and basically enjoying in a way most never do life without the bullshit that comes attached to relationships between young people in the present day? isn't it possible that these were things you as a unique individual needed to experience before you'd be ready to embark on the difficult journey that sharing one's life with another human being always is?
just some thoughts is all.
At 18, I was far too lost in angry confusion to make good on a trip away, and I take responsibility that, but I have to put some of the burden on my upbringing. My confidence was nil, so I stumbled and lost the plot. In my 20s, I could have done SO MUCH more, but the aforementioned bumbling in my late-teens set me up for a long, slow road out of limbo. I see your point, don't get me wrong, I'm just in a foul mood about it lately.
The main source of my concern is a constant whisper in the back of my mind. I could die at any moment, and this bothers me because there is so much I haven't had the opportunity to do. Much of that is the result of choices I have made, but there is certainly a role played by chance and society as we know it. We live in a world where it is easier to get laid than to find a healthy, loving relationship. I'm no Brad Pitt, but this IS Florida, after all. So much of what passes for relationships today is cheap and easy and meaningless, but the one facet of male-female interaction that truly means something, the one thing that has a chance to provide lasting satisfaction, thereby adding to the joy's of life, is nearly impossible to find. Because so many people have bought the bullshit, devaluing the idea of love and the power of making it, subsequently devaluing themselves, our modern culture finds itself struggling to find its way.
There is certainly some value in being single for an extended period of time. No better means of exploring one's self exists than to be alone, digging in to who we are, but nearly 30 years is a long time(15 if we're speaking reasonably), and the realization that 15 more years walking solo is not out of the question makes for some unsettling contemplation.
I'm just digging through this shit lately and not likely the work. I guess I'm making the mistake of wanting a reward of some sort for all the work I have put in. Life doesn't work like that, but I think it's only natural to feel entitled to a bit more than THIS, for Jebus' sake! lol
As Lenny Kravitz once said, "I want to get away. I want to fly awaaay! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
you've arrived at this "i'm very likely destined to be alone" place, and the way i see it, you have two real pieces of empirical evidence to support that supposition: one, your observations of other people's healthy relationships (or, more accurately, their lack thereof), and two, your own difficulties achieving healthy relationships.
so what i say is this.
reconsider your faith in people-watching. that's odd advice, coming from me, but here's why i say it: there is the grand potential that karmic forces of some kind are at work in this world. i know that's an appealing possibility for you. in my case, for example, i believe karma is the reality that our actions have repurcussions. in other words, doing good opens doors; doing wrong closes them. the upshot of this is that you, by your own admission, are not like other people. so stop expecting the world to dish out the same melange of poor consequences and bad luck (in the realm of relationships) to you that it does to all the poor schmucks you find yourself observing on a daily basis.
if you're looking back on your absence of companionship over the years and feeling skeptical, consider that you are a different person now than you were right out of high school, or even just last recently. this is also by your own admission, so how could it possibly seem reasonable to you to assume that the experiences of your future will mirror those of your past, when the person you are has so remarkably evolved? for goodness sake, it hasn't been that long since you were posting compelling arguments for why relationships are more trouble than they're worth. obviously you didn't even used to be open to the idea of love, the way you are now.
i sense that you're commencing a sort of personal rebirth. why not take advantage of it? a little optimism isn't gonna kill ya.
:)
You make a good point, but you know how difficult it can be to hold on to that perspective when you're actually living it. I guess I've just been feeling a little emo and needed to vent. As you pointed out, I seem to oscillate from one position to the next, but the reality is that I spend most of my time somewhere in the middle. I think we all do. Occasionally you start to list one way or the other, but generally speaking, most of us end up in the gray area between "relationships are totally unnecessary" and "I NEED someone in my life (boohoo!)".
And I think that I have always been open to the idea of love, but have been very rigid in protecting myself from what I saw many of my friends going through. Then there is the near total absence of healthy, loving relationships in this place, which has always angered/frustrated me. At some point, I grew tired of hearing people talk, but doing little or nothing to back that talk up with action.
One way or another, I've got to break out of this rut, because it's mixing with the garbage going on at work and making it difficult to stay focused.
Maybe you're right...maybe I should go get born again. ;)
It didn't happen for you in your teens and 20s because that's not the plan that was layed out. You're different than most people so naturally, your life won't follow the "norm" of dating around, marrying at the national average age, and having 2.5 children by age X. But that's not a bad thing. You're still really young in the grand scheme of things, your time will come.
If I've learned one thing it's the more I ruminate and try to understand everything that's happened in life, why things don't seem fair, the more screwed up it all becomes. I'm done with this whole thinking business. :)
Thanks for the encouragement. The trouble is, I'm not getting any younger, and I am dedicating less and less time to pursuing anything resembling "it". With the birth of The Twins, I've come to realize that the chances of me having kids of my own are dwindling as the years tick by and that is bothering me a bit. I like to think I would have made a good father, but it's looking like I'll have to settle for Uncle, not to say that I don't like the idea of being an uncle. I suppose I am young, but it's the not even getting close thing that has me worried, because I am becoming more demanding of myself, and others, as I grow older. That is not going to make things any easier. lol