Friday, January 12, 2007
Is this it?
Is this all there is? Once you alleviate the trials of Man's fight for survival, is all that's left a world of superficial accumulation and self-indulgence? Is life given purpose by the stockpiling of money, sex partners, material goods, and power? If we dedicate our lives to the pursuit of truth, are we wasting our time in a world where the story is never straight?
Looking back, I find myself wishing I had made better choices. Not going away to college was a huge mistake, and while I am working to correct part of that error, the experience of getting away from this place is one that cannot be regained fully. I can move away to get a taste of what lies beyond, but it will not ever be the same as it could have been. The world is a very different place through the eyes of an 18-years old than someone crossing the 29.5 threshold.
Certain questions haunt my thinking when the topic gains a hold on my conscious. Would I have met someone, settled down, made a life somewhere, freeing myself from ever having to manage the nagging questions that constantly dance in the back of my mind today? How bad would having one great love in this life be, compared to the reality of repeated failures? Isn't that what most of us want, after all? If life denies us that, or we are born into a time and place where such a thing is more running joke than attainable reality, how do we NOT become somewhat discouraged?
And I am aware that much of this is being brought to the surface by the births of Scott and Laura's daughters, but these thoughts have had a hold on my soul for well past a decade now. With a little over six months left in my 20s, one of my biggest regrets is not having had at least one loving, long-term relationship to look back upon. Those years and my youth are now cast forever into the stream of history, never to be lived or experienced again. I have no regrets about my behavior, as I think I did my best to remain true to the concepts of goodness and honesty that have become increasingly more dear to me. My lament is focused more on the lack of real opportunities life has presented, and the reality that my options will always be more limited than most because of my nature.
I never wanted to sleep with a hundred women, or make a billion dollars. The thought of waking up next to someone that would always make me smile was a million times more appealing than a thousand nameless faces and a pillow overflowing with money. The fact that I have not ever even been able to even come close is pretty telling. Modern people seem to be chasing a life fashioned after some bullshit, contrived sense of commercialized existence. They are chasing TV-inspired moments that will not ever be reality, inevitably failing to attain the mass marketed dream, ending up hoping for a salvation that will very liktely not ever come.
But I digress...and digress...and digress. School starts up again tomorrow morning...I have not ever been more excited about a Saturday morning class! Finally, I can get back to being busy with something other than work, which is miserable, and relationship ruminations, which are tiresome. I've started sketching one household object per day, in an effort to sharpen up my graphite skills, and have made further progress on my first ever Painter painting. There may also be some interesting news on the altruism/volunteering front in the near future. All things to keep me busy, which is a good thing. Less downtime equates to less time regurgitating what could have been, and more time spent on building what is to be.
Things can't get rolling soon enough.
Labels: bitching and moaning, general, life