Saturday, March 03, 2007
My life as a social retard
I'm not normal, that much I'm sure of. If you know me, you know that I say the word "normal" with more than just a little contempt. After all, "it's just a nice way of saying average". So then, I am abnormal...above average in some ways, behind the curve in others, weird by most peoples' estimations. I'm fine with it, wear it as a badge of honor, but I'm finally beginning to understand its origins a bit better. It all started with extreme insecurity...
There was a time when I spent a majority of my waking hours worrying about what other people thought, what other people were doing, and how they perceived me. I continued to do what I did, which amounted to little more than nothing, but I did it in constant fear of what this person or that person thought of me. The truth is, I saw myself as being inferior to most people in just about every way. I was shorter, chubbier, less interested in random acts of stupidity, and generally a perpetual fringe element in the teenage social circles of my day. Needless to say, I wasn't dating, partying, drinking, or participating in life in general during those formative years. So I didn't get laid, didn't get drunk, didn't get high...I more or less kept my nose clean and tried to do the right things as I understood them.
I was a total dork, but a relatively harmless and quiet one. Things changed drastically as I grew older, but none of that began until I finally came to understand just how full of shit 99% of the world truly is. Anyone with some semblance of intelligence gets there eventually, I suppose.
Anyway, not dating, and not partying ultimately helped keep me from making many of the mistakes my peers were making. I was discovering my spirituality while most of my cohorts were learning how to regret one night stands, cheating on their significant others, puking their guts out, and generally exaggerating the significance of it all in an effort to rise within the pecking order.
As I grew to see the human species for what it is, I started realizing how socially retarded, yet empowered, I really was. Here were my peers, piling on baggage, "living" life to its alleged fullest, when in reality they were utterly failing to meet any of their real needs. They were spiritually vacant, intellectually stunted, and overstimulated. So when I heard people rationalizing their behaviors with phrases like, "we've all been there" or "we've all done that", I started thinking to myself, no we haven't all been there or done that, you dumbfuck sheep. Eventually I started vocalizing these thoughts, and the rest, as they say, is history...or the lack thereof.
Looking back, I can't believe I ever questioned myself. Ten years on, most of those people are no better off in the ways that really mattered than they were then. Few, if any, have made any real progress toward real prosperity. Most of them are working on their first divorce, their first trip to rehab, or their first step toward mediocrity. And that's all fine and good. What really disgusts me is that I ever allowed myself to believe any of my peers actually knew something that I didn't. I was always on the outside looking in. Always the one trying not to fuck up and to avoid trouble. I was that kid hardly anyone would remember or recognize at a class reunion and it killed me then. Only in hindsight did I realize how much of a blessing those years proved to be.
At the time, I was trying to work up the nerve to erase myself from the face of the Earth, because I felt as if my life were somehow less than those lives being lived around me. I am sincerely thankful that I faltered in this, as the world would literally turn upside down for me in my 20s. Sometimes cowardice can be a blessing. The old cliche is true...only in discarding our fear of death can we truly come to embrace life. I'm not 100% there yet, but I am sure as Hell closer now than I was at 19. As I approach 30, I finally understand that the opinion of nearly every human I know means absolutely nothing, so long as I am not harming others, and taking care of myself. Nothing else matters, and accepting that is a lovely piece of freedom.
Labels: life, spirituality
Read or Post a Comment
You're right, you shouldn't worry about what other people think or question yourself just because you were doing things differently...
But, I don't regret my "partying" days. I had a blast, made many, many mistakes and learned so much from them. The difference is that some of us don't grow up and learn from our mistakes and in our mid-20's are still acting like seniors in high school. You can grow up and still have fun and so many people have yet to learn that.
Just because you chose to spend your younger years differently doesn't make you any worse or better of a person...being different is what makes the world go round.
Well, I like to think I'm a better human than some of the selfish, dishonest, and dishonorable people that I've known throughout my life, but I get your point. :) For me, it has more to do with strength than it does better or worse. I feel like I am a stronger person for having stood my ground, even if my original motivation was fear. Much of that fear arose from knowing I would be ostracized for not going along with the general consensus, but I refused to fall in line anyway. This is the sort of thing I perceived as making me pathetic then, but came to understand very differently as I grew older.
At some level, I think I knew that I wasn't ready to properly handle a lot of what was going on around me, so I focused on the things I understood: art, basketball, and basic survival. When it finally sunk in that none of the people I used to worry about had any grounds from which to judge anyone, particularly me, something like a revolution occurred in my psychology. My only real regret is that I didn't start the revolt sooner and with more confidence. That, and not finishing college the first time...this career/full-time student thing is KILLING me. lol