Friday, May 30, 2008
The Gecko
I killed a Gecko last night in probably the most horrible way I can imagine. It was an accident, but I still feel sick about it. He had gotten into the railing of my shower doors, presumably to find shelter from the giant monkey thudding around the building. When I decided it was time to clean myself up, the outer door must have run him over in its track as I slid it open. As a result, his back legs were completely ruined and he was partially disemboweled. I found him trying to drag himself away from the rails toward the bathroom floor. I cleaned him up the best I could, but it was clear that there was no saving him. So I did what I could, which wasn't much, and went to bed. By the time my alarm went off this morning, he was gone, and as silly as it sounds, I couldn't help but feel remorse. After all, this little gecko had done nothing to deserve the fate that had befallen him and to die under those circumstances must have been awful. Death is death I suppose, and his death was as inevitable as my own, but to be crushed and mangled in this way, without a quick end or any hope of recovery, is a terrible way to leave this life.
Now I understand that anyone reading this would probably be convinced, if they weren't already, that I am mentally ill, and at this point, I wouldn't argue with the idea. Be that as it may, I feel genuinely sad that I was the source of this gecko's destruction. Had I known he was there, I would have captured and released him in safety. As it happened, I destroyed him without even trying. Such is the nature of human existence. And I couldn't help wondering what I would be experiencing, were I in his place. Would I be afraid? Would I be calmly resolved to my destiny? I like to think I would be serene in my passing. I like to believe the understanding that death is little more than an inevitable transition from one state of existence to another, would soothe my passage from physical existence into something intangible. I like to believe that I would pass with some dignity, were something to happen and I found myself maimed beyond hope. But I am not 100% positive. I would not go screaming, that much I am confident of, but were I to be taken today, I am not sure I would be wholly prepared to go, despite my beliefs on the matter.
Were I to die today, I would go with a sense that I could have done more good in this life, could have been of more use in the losing war against humanity's destructive nature, but the reality is that I am part of that destructive force, as evidenced by this episode with the gecko. Buddhists believe that such accidental acts are not karmically staining, because there was no malicious intent or willfulness in the destruction of another life. Jains, on the other hand, would perceive this as a terrible turn of karmic events, though the degree of negativity would be mitigated somewhat by the unintentional nature of what occurred. Regardless, they would pay penance and seek a karmic cleansing. To the self-obsessed, ego-driven, Western mind, such an idea sounds absurd out of hand. After all, it was only a gecko, right? But in reality, that gecko was made of the same elemental components I am. We are both carbon-based, multi-cellular, flesh-and-blood beings. My superiority and his insignificance are purely and wholly perceptual concepts. In the context of the universe, which is utterly indifferent to homo sapiens' egomania, we are essentially equal. I suppose how much of that idea someone accepts as truth would determine how ridiculous my unease over what happened would appear to be.
I understand that the leather I wear when riding my motorcycle is the product of an animal's death, and I am sincerely sorry for it. I understand that I kill hundreds, if not thousands of insects when riding said motorcycle, or driving my car, or simply walking around, and I am sorry about that as well. Am I sorry enough to give up motorcycle riding and car driving? Not yet. Sorry enough to give up leather? Absolutely, should I find a suitable replacement in the world of synthetics. To the Judeo-Christian eye/ear, that probably sounds absolutely idiotic, but it's the truth. If one is to argue that good acts are more important than harmful ones and that all life has some value, the illusions of superiority, self-importance, even the self itself, have to be discarded. The idea that I somehow bring more value to the natural world than that gecko is asinine when my existence is examined objectively. I and my fellow humans have an infinitely more destructive impact on the living things around us than all of those living things combined have ever had upon us. If we do not recognize and consciously atone for that negative impact, we live in denial and only lose ourselves further in the lies we conjure to satiate our ravenous egos and fearful minds. In so doing, we become the servants of said illusions and falsehoods, thereby stepping further away from the fundamental truth that we are nothing more than matter and energy, the same matter and energy in all physical things. Nothing more, nothing less.
Labels: life or the lack thereof, spirituality
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I would hope most people ‘would’ feel bad, maybe not all would to the extent that you do/did, but at least feel bad. Yes I eat meat and wear leather, but I will always stop to pick up a stray dog wondering down the road if it's possible, I'm always picking up worms and moving them from the girls’ destructive path, if I see a bug obviously dying but not all the way I will try to put it out of its misery, etc, etc. I cry every time I see a dead animal on the side of the road and when I actually see the animal get killed by a car... images that haunt me to this day. Now, I'm no saint... I'll kill a spider if it's in my home without question, I don't like them and I can't take the chance that one will be a black widow or brown recluse and bite the girls (both of which we've seen on multiple occasions since we have lived in this state) but bottom line you are completely normal and far from being mentally ill in feeling bad about it, it is always sad to watch something die.
I try to practice ahimsa but to me there are different levels. There are sick people out there who will torture animals (and bugs) for their own enjoyment, and normal people who will kill bugs because they just don't see them as a big deal. Then there is killing bugs/critters in order to protect humans or other animals. To me that is when I don't follow ahimsa. That and of course accidental killing, most of which we don't realize on a day to day basis (stepping on ants).
The fact that you even feel some guilt and remorse for the accidental killing of a creature shows that you are a very empathetic person. And that's a good thing, not a weird thing. :)
It was a sad thing, particularly since it was totally avoidable. Had I seen the little guy, I would have fished him out and released him into the backyard. I try to avoid killing anything, but sometimes it just can't be helped. :-/