Saturday, April 26, 2008

People love their porn

It is one thing to be obsolete within the context of your immediate surroundings, it is quite another to be ignorant of your own obsolescence. When you have ideals and ideas that have no real place in your surroundings, you are obsolete. So it is I find myself often beside myself as I meander around within this cheap and easy existence. In a give-it-to-me-now world, there is no place for careful deliberation of one's actions or the consequences, not only to self, but to others. The only thing that matters is the self. But what happens when instant gratification gives way to the realization that the self is illusory and transient? I don't know, and probably will not live long enough to see the pendulum swing back toward existentialism.

I do know that people love their porn. Having first been exposed to the stuff when I was very young, pornography and I have a mixed history. As a species, the gratuitous viewing of various sex acts goes back thousands of years. What we call pornography today was once the subject of murals hung in the main rooms of Pompeii homes. People and explicit depictions of sex go back eons, but most of what's on offer today is muc the same in its subject matter as it was then. It seems that in nearly all human endeavors, the only thing that really changes is the technology available for presentation and the exchange of money.

Why am I writing about porn? Because I came across a very interesting documentary on the subject on Bittorrent.com. The entire documentary spans 5 hours and is broken up into 6 parts. Even I, with all my obsolete and naive beliefs about sex, found the film interesting, if not outright compelling, viewing. Whether you believe sex is a throwaway act akin to shaking hands or that it is the most significant, physical action two people can engage in, chances are good there will be plenty worth watching with this one. The link to Episode 1 is below...enjoy. :)

Episode One

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Posted by Erik @ 4/26/2008 09:00:00 AM :: (0) comments

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Art may be greater than business

but art people do not connect with hardly makes any difference at all.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/23/2008 11:12:00 PM :: (0) comments

People like Hillary?

People like Hillary Clinton. It amazes me, but it's true. A woman with mountains of questionable business dealings, a penchant for exaggeration, and the integrity of a typical politician(which is to say none). This is a woman who backed NAFTA, backed favored trade status with China, and lusted so much for political power, that she was willing to remain married to a known philanderer because of the prospect that he would be useful to her down the road. It is that last point that bothers me most. NAFTA is a nightmare and trading openly with the most powerful, most oppressive government in the industrialized world, hasn't worked out so well either. Lead paint and lay-offs, anyone? But all of these things are typical side effects of wealthy Americans pandering to the desires of corporations with little or no moral leadership, and Hillary Clinton is very much a typical politician.

What really makes me wonder about the modern state of the Democratic Party, and what makes me think John McCain is almost surely going to be the next President, is that Democrats cannot recognize real leaders, even when they are standing right in front of them. Democrats will trust a woman with so little spine and integrity that she supposedly forgives a husband whom the entire world knows disrespected her, apparently for the sake of political power. They will trust someone who has a history of questionable finances, advocates massive increases in government spending and a willingness to do or say anything in order to win the Democratic primary. This is the type of person a large number of modern Democrats want leading their efforts. Even more interesting is that many of them support her because they continue to fantasize about Bill Clinton. The fact that Bill Clinton remains popular with a substantial bloc of Democratic voters, despite NAFTA, despite China, despite all of his political failings, and Monica et al, is telling. Modern Democrats equate the tech bubble, and the short lived prosperity that came with it, with Bill Clinton. As if Bill Clinton somehow made the tech boom possible. The fact that this surge in wealth was powered by illusions and financial card games, and that any President sitting over the country at the time would have benefited from its rise, seems to escape everyone. Bill Clinton was the beneficiary of lucky timing more than his own visionary political policy. If George W Bush had come along during the same period of time, people would be singing his praises, despite an alarming inability to string together coherent sentences.

Bill Clinton metaphorically spat in Hillary's face and she did not walk away. Regardless of that, I am supposed to believe she has the will and fortitude to make real change in a modern political landscape so infested with corruption that our typical choices are between corrupt and totally corrupt politicians? That choice is no choice at all and I could not honestly say Hillary Clinton is less corrupt than John McCain. If she carries the momentum she has supposedly gained in Pennsylvania on to victory in the primary, I think there will be many Independents and moderate Democrats staying home, or voting McCain. I know McCain would get my vote, despite his stance on the Iraq War. Time has an article that really rings true this morning. In it, a Time staffer suggests that the real winner in all of this is John McCain and I couldn't agree more. Hillary Clinton is going to attack and slander Barack Obama to the point where he becomes unelectable. In so doing, she will make herself unelectable, resulting in a John McCain victory in November.

Hillary Clinton operates with an "if I can't have it, no one will" mentality and it shows in her campaigning. She is an uninspiring, inauthentic candidate, but that will not stop her in the obsessive pursuit of power. In my opinion, she is the last person America needs in the White House for the next 4 years. I hope John McCain does a better, more competent job than his predecessor, otherwise there will not be much of a country left to lead in 2012. How many times can Democrats shoot themselves in the foot before it comes time to amputate and get a prosthetic? We may be getting closer to finding out.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/23/2008 12:38:00 PM :: (1) comments

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Art>business

During my second trip through the university experience, I've done pretty well in my management courses. So people seem to wonder why I would pick something like Visual Arts as a major. The answer is pretty simple, art is more enjoyable than business, but there is more to my reasoning than simple enjoyment, though that should be enough.

My primary justification for taking a degree in the Visual Arts and putting my management stuff on the back burner is rooted in art's overriding importance to our species. Before their was business or any need for management beyond managing our species' food and shelter needs, there was art. Our ancestors painted on cave walls thousands of years before consumerism became the species primary reason for existence. When the cycle resets itself and consumerism is replaced by some new form of survivalism, art will be there with us, communicating our ideas, our fears, our mundane existences.

Art is a human constant, whereas business is a human affliction, and ultimately, the arts will prevail. That is not to say art will save the world, it won't, but it will survive once things have collapsed under their own weight. There are only so many resources to extract and turn into useful, everyday porducts, just as there are only so many spaces for the human animal to insert itself, but any surface, any object, can be used as a component or means of artistic expression. Even the human voice and body can function as mediums in which to work. Art is a basic human endeavor as intrinsic to our species as the pursuit of food, water, and shelter. We can live without art, but we have chosen not to for eons, even under the most Hellish of circumstances. For instance, even when denied the bare necessities of food and water, Jewish prisoners at Auschwitz, one of Nazi Germany's most notorious death camps, found ways to make art.

And the idea that modern society has no use for art is an illusion. Everywhere you look and almost every thing you interact with has some form of design aesthetic applied to it. From items as utilitarian and mundane as staplers to the iPhone to nearly every building around us, art and aesthetic design play a role. There is a designer behind every product package, marketing campaign, and advertisement we see, hear, and buy on a day-to-day basis. Art is pervasive and universal. It transcends religion, politics, nation of origin, color, creed, even mental and physical health. Art, like most things today, may be cheap and easy, but it is still being made in mountainous amounts by millions of people every single day.

So called "high" art may be lost in the wilderness, though that depends very much on where you look and what you consider to be high art, and low art may be completely commmercialized and empty, but it is still being made in vast quantities.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/22/2008 01:08:00 PM :: (0) comments

Monday, April 21, 2008

Now squeeze...

Life feels claustrophobic, as if the bullshit and nonsense of modern life function as massive walls of granite slowly crawling together, so that the sense of being Han Solo stuck in the Death Star's trash compactor is becoming more and more tangible with time. A pervasive feeling that there is no escape from the ceaseless ridiculousness of humanity creates a subliminal sense of tension. From the tumbling economy to crumbling monogamy to mumbling hegemony, we are a fucking mess. As I fear for the job that buys my $3.65/gallon gas, politicians with no good intentions pay lip service to the genitals of corporate "America". How much America remains in the average American? The dream that never was is being spat out like so much extracted ejaculate, but those same mouths keep chanting "believe…believe…believe" and stupid ears keep pricking up, their mouths dutifully shaping the words "I believe…I believe…I believe". Without any idea what to believe in, and no will to seek their own answers, they plug in and let the answers be spoon fed down their throats.

What was once a rugged, idealistic, individualistic spirit has given way to unadulterated conformity and cowardice. We have taken what could have been a tapestry woven in vibrant, beautiful colors and turned it into the ubiquitous brown blanket the world reproduces ad nauseum. Wasted opportunity is wasted time and it seems pretty clear that much of our current time is being flushed, rather than invested. The America we have all been promised was little more than a makeup coated pig, and the drug soaked Boomers responsible for all this pork have plainly failed miserably in their quest to redefine the world. What choice do we have but to react and explore new directions? What choice do we have but positive action? Plenty, actually, and most of them seem to involve doing nothing at all. Watching television, being less involved with our own governance, producing little or nothing of any tangible value, changing little or nothing of significance, this is the new American way. We have become a people who avoid the responsibility of self-governance because it permits an escape from personal accountability. Handing control over to others creates an hallow of separation in which to hide when those others make a mistake or inevitably give into corruption. Laziness also plays a role, as the work required to make a Way, rather than following in the well worn footsteps of others, is more than the average individual is willing to shoulder.

Following others gives the follower freedoms from guilt that are not available to leaders and creators. Followers are free to claim a righteous path, while holding tight to the idea that someone else is to blame if things go wrong. The follower can tacitly participate in something as heinous as the holocaust, or something as insidious as the anti-labor movement infecting modern America, without having to take personal responsibility for any of it. Apathetic conformists are the engines that drive social destruction. As surely as they will be the first to condemn leadership in a crisis situation, they are the first to fall in line behind whoever is willing to lead.

Is your credit record a financial car accident with your credit score dipping into the double digits? Can you no longer afford your mortgage payment because your variable interest loan exploded? Blame the mortgage company and look for a government bail out. Are you the executive of a sup-prime lender that ended up getting burned because your company granted loans to people with credit reports resembling an Iraqi marketplace after a Sunni car bomb? Blame market forces and receive a government bail out.

Personal accountability is almost nil in the modern age. Industrialists escape guilt by hiding behind corporations, who answer to no one, and the proletariat escapes blame by hiding behind their childhoods, social pressures, or some other hardship. Where the only reasonable explanation is to put it on one's self and strive toward improvement, most people put their troubles on others and strive toward mediocrity, taking the rest of society down with them. The only way something as large and as powerful as America collapses is from within and the internal corrosion that brings such a monolithic power down starts with the people. I do not think there is anyone who can sincerely characterize modern America as a visionary, just, or thriving society.

More and more, Americans are becoming a people who are out of work, short on inspiration, and increasingly dependent on drugs, legal or otherwise, to quell their fears and anxiety. We have lost the fire that fueled us, and have begun giving in to fear. The only outcome of succumbing is the handing over of control to those who are not afraid. Unfortunately, that means giving the reins over to the same types of people that have benefited from fear since time immemorial, the greedy and power hungry. The decay is all around us, and it is fed by the collective efforts to ignore or redefine it. Yet people in Pennsylvania are offended when Barack Obama talks about “bitter Americans”, when everyone knows America is becoming more and more bitter by the day. They sink in the morass even as they deny its existence, so the walls continue squeezing, the space continues narrowing, and somewhere Darth Vader is having a laugh.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/21/2008 12:57:00 PM :: (0) comments

Friday, April 18, 2008

Up on a plain

Today's key to finding some form of contentment or acceptance is zero expectations. What do I mean by 'zero expectations'? I am talking about expecting nothing from your fellow human beings. While I am tempted to talk about having exceedingly low expectations as a way of avoiding disappointment, I think that sort of thinking is more a product of my personal biases and thinking in that way has not led me toward any form of contentedness. In actuality, I am probably less at ease now than I have ever been, despite having incredibly low expectations of human behavior, primarily because all too often, a large percentage of humanity does not ever fail to disappoint. So the solution is not low expectations, because low expectations still carry the burden of having an expectation, and the additional weight of disheartening ones.

Having no expectations frees us from the burden of anticipated behavior, either high or low, and removes a pathway through which the behavior of others can affect one's well-being. I am thinking more and more that there is a pressing need to untangle the individual's thoughts and ideas from what passes for culture in America today. If there is a way to stop giving any attention to what people are doing, and put one's focus exclusively on personal goals and endeavors in life, it only stands to reason that life would be more rewarding by default. Ignore the foundering of society at large and focus entirely on personal integrity, vision, and ascension. Of course, you run the risk of being labelled by any of The Conformed that might be aware of your presence, but what does a conformed person's judgment really matter, in the grand scheme of things?

Not caring may be a poor choice of words. Maybe a better way to put it would be to say that I need to disconnect from any craving to control, contain, or somehow manage the species' collective behavior beyond how it affects me directly. This is, of course, a very Buddhist notion, the idea that our personal suffering is rooted in various material cravings. The craving for behaviors in others that we perceive as being desirable, while potentially being full of positive intentions, is still just a craving. And the hard truth is, I am totally powerless to change the course of the masses. At best, all I can do is stand safely aside and watch the herd graze, meander, and occasionally stampede around, doing my best to stay out of their way.

The danger is that the majority tends to move as a unified mass behind one or two lead animals, so the threat of being run over is always high and anyone outside of the mob has to be aware of sudden changes in their direction, lest they end up under millions of feet. But finding a proverbial hill to watch their antics from has always been something I aspired to do. Maybe it's time...

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Posted by Erik @ 4/18/2008 12:49:00 PM :: (0) comments

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Not to whine, but...

Burnout is setting in like a gangrenous infection on an open wound these days. The simple act of thinking is becoming increasingly difficult, and I am beginning to feel like a kid with ADD. My focus is all over the place, my blood pressure is probably through the roof, and my energy level is through the shithouse floor. In short, I am stumbling along right now and it's as amusing as it is distressing. Amusing because I have the memory of a 90 year olds man, distressing because I am beginning to look and feel like a 90 years old man.

Work continues to whittle away at my well being, and school continues to be a load I am just barely carrying. In all my 30 years on this Earth, I have not been under so much continuous stress before in my entire life. Over a year of this is starting to make scribbles out of my mental processes. There are times when I will find myself drifting off into la la land in the middle of meetings. Just tonight, I lost track of what a woman in class was saying to me while in the middle of a conversation. She laughed, so I smiled and chuckled along, but I could not tell you what was so amusing to save my life. That type of thing is pretty discouraging.

On the flip side of that discouragement is something curious, something almost like optimism. While the stress and strain is taking a toll, it also strikes me as remarkable that I am able to hold up as well as I have. Somehow I have sustained this pace for a year and I feel confident that I can maintain it for the remaining 8 months of my time with Eckerd. I'm no longer certain all of this work will have even been worth it, at least in a tangible sense, but none of that matters now. In a weird way, I'm worried about what will happen after I graduate, since my work situation and the usefulness of my degree are both in question.

That's not say I am having second thoughts about getting a Visual Arts degree. Creating images is what I am good at, it is something I have always done, and I am getting better, so there really isn't any point in denying that in favor of a more utilitarian degree. There are plenty of business and finance majors in the same position I am, so there are no guarantees attached to any specific degree. The worry really arises from how to best leverage my next move using this degree and my experience. As of today, that piece of the plan is very much a work in progress.

But nothing is certain, in this life, so I try not to worry myself with that sort of thing. I do know one thing, I will finally be moving out again. Too many years after I originally moved back home on a "temporary" basis, I'm more sure than ever that it is time to get back out into the world. It's not that I have any trouble with 'rents, I'm just too goddamned old to be here, so it's time to go. Once I'm out, project Nótt begins. Nótt is the Norse goddess of night who gave birth to Earth and Day. Here is a brief entry from Wikipedia explaining her birth and position in the Norse pantheon:

There was a giant living in Giantland called Nörfi or Narfi. He had a daughter named Night. She was dark and swarthy, like the family to which she belonged. Her first marriage was with a man called Naglfari, their son was called Auð. Next she was married to Annar, their daughter was called Earth. Last, Delling married her, and he was of the family of the gods. Their son was Day, he was bright and beautiful like his father's side. Then All-father took Night and her son, Day, and gave them two horses and two chariots and put them up in the sky, so that they should ride round the world every twenty-four hours. Night rides first on a horse called Hrímfaxi, and every morning he bedews the earth with the foam from his bit. Day's horse is called Skinfaxi, and the whole earth and sky are illuminated by his mane. - Young's translation

So what is project Nótt? My next bike, of course! My brother has been slowly assembling his own custom and he's inspired me to see if I can make my own vision a reality as a sort of reward for having finally graduated college. Details to come, but needless to say I am stoked about the idea.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/17/2008 11:28:00 PM :: (0) comments

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Fleeting moments

Every once in a while, seemingly out of the blue, I will be struck by a penetrating "everything is gonna be alright" episode; a feeling that things will work themselves out, regardless of how dreadful life may appear at the time. For some reason, I had one of those moments yesterday morning. Maybe this particular experience is tied to having done unexpectedly well on an exam I took Monday night, or maybe it is Friday's trip to Tampa's Buddhist Vihara. Whatever the cause, I welcome these episodes the way a tree welcomes sunlight! With all the work going on in my life right now, it is incredibly easy to lose sight of the fundamental fact that life, in and of itself, has not been an unpleasant experience. I fall into the intellectual trap of letting external forces, or my perception of external forces, apply far too much pressure on my thinking. An unfortunate side effect of "thinking too much", I suppose.

But then, thinking too much is probably a better idea than thinking too little. Thinking too little tends to be the primary catalyst for many an internet video, usually prefaced by those famous last words, "Hey y'all, watch this". I would wager more than a few cataclysmic life events started with moments of too little thinking. So the problem is not necessarily thinking too much, it is thinking about the wrong things too much and too often. In my own life, the situation is that I expend far too much energy contemplating what is wrong with the human animal at the macro level, rather than focusing on what is right in my life at the micro level. I am not certain how this works for others, but all too often, I will find my internal processes invaded by some tidbit of information that sets my mind to work on the eternal ills of the human species, i.e. a SEC filing detailing our lay-off happy CFO's $900,000k+/year salary, or a story on the resurgence of teen pregnancy. It is almost as if my subconscious is continually building a case against goodness in the species.

When you find yourself in that sort of cycle, it becomes more difficult to see one's own goodness. That's the danger of focusing too acutely on Humanity's collective failure. For better or worse, mixing and intermingling with the masses means being exposed to all of the behaviors, good or bad, that define the human animal. Unfortunately, a great deal of these range from banal and boring to outright disgusting and dangerous. Introversion and isolation would seem to be a logical response, but the unfortunate truth is that we are hardwired to be social animals, so disconnecting completely will bring about its own negative outcomes. So we're left with sucking it up and living with "them", which is a very difficult thing to get excited about. Subsequently, the only real option is to turn your focus inward, so as to keep the world, or at least most of it, at arm's length. This way, it becomes possible to pursue yourself as a means to an end without succumbing to the negative influences of society at large.

Let's face it, a majority of society isn't doing much of anything in the way of positive, inspirational work. Most Americans seem to focus their lives on TV shows, sports teams, fornicating, making money, and/or getting intoxicated. There is not a whole lot to be optimistic about and we certainly do not seem ready for the next stage in evolution, so all one can do is live in accordance with some kind of vision or ideal, if one is so inclined. In my experience, the closer you get to your vision or ideals, the easier life becomes. Lately, I have been inching a tiny bit closer, so that could explain yesterday's "everything's alright" moment.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/09/2008 11:17:00 AM :: (0) comments

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Buddhism is beautiful

I had the opportunity to spend some time at Tampa's Buddhist temple, and yes, Tampa does have a Buddhist temple, Friday night. My Non-Western Religions class gathered for a visit to Tampa's Buddhist vihara. We had an opportunity to chat with the resident bhanti (monks), then participated in an half hour meditation. The bhanti and the vihara's regular attendees then recited a brief series of chants. The bhanti blessed gifts of fruit and water for those of us who were interested in partaking, then the elder monk gave a brief discertation on Buddhist Dhamma, Dhamma being the way of the Buddha as laid out in the Buddha's original teachings and sermons. He spoke specifically about elements of the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eight Fold Path, both of which are cornerstones of the Buddhist faith.

Following bhanti's Dhamma talk, the vihara's most experienced lay-Buddhist (non-monastic practitioner), whose name escapes me now, stayed on to have some tea and answer questions. We sat on the temple floor and listened to his personal experiences in the US and in India. He is an American-born woman's trauma councilor who works in Tampa. His religious background is rooted in Lutheranism, but he has been a practicing Buddhist for nearly 20 years. As it turned out, most of the temple regulars are US-born practitioners who converted from Protestant and Catholic Christian heritages. Of course, that is not surprising given the pervasive nature of the Christian faith in America. While the meditation was a highlight for me personally, the entire experience was very enjoyable. Having had an on again, off again connection to Buddhism since the age of 18, I was familiar with much of what was discussed, but there is a massive amount to learn. The entire canon of Buddhist writings is hundreds, if not thousands of times larger than the Bible, so no one could hope to master it in a single lifetime.

There is no denying that Buddhism makes more intrinsic sense to me than any other world religion I have ever been exposed to. Its focus on dispelling the illusion of self, the infinite possibilities of causation, and a life of minimal harm all make inherent sense to me. Whereas other religions require belief in an all powerful, all seeing, supernatural entity, Buddhism (like other Eastern religions) believes the Universe always has been and always will be. Buddhist doctrine denies the world's many Creation myths, and generally dismisses the importance of how the Universe came to be. Ultimately, all that matters is that the Universe is and that we are intrinsically interwoven into it. The Noble Eightfold Path lays out a path toward Nirvana through a life dedicated to living mindfully and morally. Each element within the path refers to an aspect of the personality contributing to one's wisdom, conduct and mental development.

There is no Hell beyond rebirth and no limitations to who can or cannot achieve Nirvana (Nibbana to a practicing Buddhist). Interestingly, the Buddhist Sangha, which refers more to the community of Buddhist practitioners than a formal church, dates to the 5th century BCE, making it the longest, continuously operational religious organization in human history. The entire faith was founded on the idea that seekers will come, so recruiting in the fashion of Western religions is unheard of. We talked about all of these things and as the conversation progressed, I was reminded of all the reasons I had come to think of Buddhism as the world's most beautiful religion. No money, no power, no selfishness, no sexism, no racism, no hierarchy of power, no controlling dogma, no "put it on Sunday, forget about it on Monday" conveniences; Buddhism is absent nearly every negative aspect of Humanity's prevailing religions, which allows for a focus on openness and possibility. In my mind, that is what religion and faith should really be about.

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Posted by Erik @ 4/05/2008 06:28:00 PM :: (0) comments

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Modern marriage may be the answer

I read that nearly 50% of America's families are headed by a stepparent. The divorce rate is floating in the 50%+ range. The obvious question is why are people getting married at all? A coworker and I had an email conversation that ended up touching on the subject and it occurred to me that marriage almost seems like a pointless enterprise in modern America. Honestly, I wouldn't bet $10 if I felt my chances or winning were less than 50/50, so betting my life on marriage, when over 50% of them are falling apart, seems like madness. I know I have written on this before, but my recent thinking on the matter has started opening new avenues of understanding for me and I think my attitude toward dating may be metamorphosing as a result. This idea ties into my previous post about not having a definitive idea of what to do about my annual case of Spring Fever.

Historically, I have had issues with girls' sexual histories, primarily because I have almost no history, so I do not relate with those who embrace the prevailing social norm that sex is a casual or disposable act. It always seemed logical that I have nothing to offer a girl with a prolific sexual history, since our ideas on sex, which serve as an integral part of a relationship in my mind, would be so vastly different. Promiscuous people fit better with other promiscuous people, if a long-term relationship is the goal. At some point, the difference in sexual attitudes and histories will surface, inevitably resulting in conflict. That just seems logical to me. The more people have in common, particularly on such an important thing as sex, the better their chances of having a healthy, long lasting relationship. Here's where my thoughts start to be conflicted.

Genuine issues like this one only become deal breakers when love gets involved and where love is involved for an extended period of time, we are socially programmed to start thinking about marriage. But what if you take marriage completely off the table? What if you declare it a non-option? What affect does that have on one's concepts of love? What does that mean If you have no intentions of ever being married, what difference does a girl's history make? If you reject marriage outright, does it become acceptable to refrain from allowing yourself to fall in love? If you reject the idea of marriage, do you free yourself from the confines of love?

At 30 years old, I have the relationship history of your average 18 years-old suburban kid. I'm not ashamed of that, quite the opposite actually, but I concede that my lack of sexual history speaks to the presence of dysfunction on some level. Whether that dysfunction is in my thinking and behavior, or in the functioning of modern females will inevitably depend on who you ask. My guess is, most people would point their fingers in my direction, but it has to be recognized that their opinions would be greatly influenced by their histories, ideals (if they have any), and the degree to which they embrace social conformity. Ultimately, the source of dysfunction is irrelevant, because I feel no need to change my attitudes toward sex and it is highly unlikely that society will pull back from the philosophy of promiscuity during my sexual lifetime.

So I am presented with a stifling conundrum. How does a sexual novice like myself function in a world of more experienced women, or women with other extenuating circumstances(children, addictions, mental disorders, etc)? I actually find myself physically and mentally unsettled by the question. Combined with my advancing age and the dwindling availability of options, the sense that I have painted myself into a corner feels more real than at any other time in my life. My only option is to start climbing the walls. Unfortunately, I can't go hog-wild and abandon the last 15 years of self-discipline and work. That just isn't an option, because doing so would mean sacrificing beliefs and ideas I am not prepared to live without. What I can do, and what has been on my mind lately, is find a way of freeing my approach to dating through the understanding that marriage and long-term commitment are not even factors. Instead of thinking, "is this the kind of girl I could be with for a year, or two, or three", I embrace the idea that there is no reason to worry about staying with a woman for an extended period of time.

If it happens, fine, but such an occurence is so unlikely as to be effectively impossible, so the energy spent thinking about it is best directed elsewhere. After all this time, it has become necessary to face the reality that I almost certainly could not function in a long-term relationship. Compounding the force of that realization is the fact that removing marriage as a potential outcome means that any relationship I enter into is ultimately fated to end at some point, regardless of my intentions. Just one more thing to think about as time races on...

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Posted by Erik @ 4/02/2008 02:31:00 PM :: (2) comments